Saturday, 14 January 2017

20 days!


Seronoknye. So many things I wanna start and start over.

Aku betul-betul harapkan lepas kahwin ni hidup aku akan lurus balik, insyallah. Of courselah takdela terus jadi normal, mestilah berperingkat. Even though it will take time, but at least I am fully control of my life, and the best part is, I am in full control with the best supporter ever.

I am looking forward to a great life.

I imagine living in our new studio house. It's Sunday. Yesterday we went out to somewhere, and we got tired. So we (read: I) decided to enjoy that night and sleep after Fajr the next morning :p. He liked my idea. 

He gets up before I do. I can hear the rustle of our comforter. He walks to the bathroom. I push the home button of my phone. 5:50 AM. I go back to sleep, while waiting for him to use the only bathroom. Suddenly a soft touch on my shoulder, "wake up love, it's Fajr. Let's pray together." He repeats that a few times, each time with different calling names for me - love, manje, and my own name lastly. 

It's 6:20 AM. I am behind him, in my new telekung that he gave me on February 3rd. He announces the takbir. 
Al-Fatihah, then a surah he recites from the middle of the chapter, not sure the name of it. 
Ah, alhamdulillah lucky me. My husband knows surahs that I don't. Surely a motivation to learn and memorize the Qur'an.

Sujood. His head and tip of nose touch the prayer mat I bought for him, as a gift for our special day.

His voice, so deep. Breaking the silence of our 2-month old home. I feel so guided. So protected.
Serene. So peaceful.

Assalamualaikum warah matullah. 

He turns to the side, not facing me, but about 90 degrees. He lifts his hands and starts to recite du'as. For our parents, for us. For our present and future. #tilljannah, as he always say.

We go back to bed. The air-cond has long been turned off, but it's still cold. 

[skip to 9 AM. Hehe]

9:04 AM. I wake up, feeling sandy in my throat. He's still asleep. I look at him for a moment. Brush his hair slowly. Not to wake this piece of art. It's Sunday still, nothing to rush. I sway my view to in front of me. Warm light enters our house, illuminating the whole area from the windowed wall. I get off the bed, walking to the kitchen which is just next to our bed, separated only by a thin wall of shelves. 

I fill the empty pot with water, and empty the water next into the coffee maker. Instead of ground coffee, I leave the machine's container empty. I put 2 tea bags into the pot, and I turn the machine on. Water starts boiling. I open the fridge door and take out 2 eggs. Hm...maybe grilled cheese sandwich with eggs and sausages? That sounds delish. Okay now where's the bread I bought yesterday? Oh here. Gotta cut these sausages. I wash my hands  first. Cutting the sausages into coins-like. Omakkau! Cis. Here are his hands again, hugging my waits from behind. A little surprise he always like to do since. "Hey lelaki gatal," I always shriek like that. His common answer would be "lantakla," with a naughty smile.

Wah imaginasi. Takpela kalau tak dapat camni at least dah pernah tulis sini. Dapatla baca kalau kepunan perhatian.


Saturday, 26 November 2016


1. I'll hate my wedding because 50% of the invite card design IS HIDEOUS and it has my name on it.

2. I'll hate my wedding because I am 100% sure the doorgifts my mother and sister will buy today are extremely HIDEOUS and so 80's.

3. I'll hate my wedding because chances of my pelamin  to be according to what I want is NIL. It will be HIDEOUS AND I SWEAR TO GOD IF IT IS HIDEOUS AND NOT MY CHOICE I WILL NOT LET THE SKIN OF MY FOOT TOUCH ANY PART OF IT nor MY FACE TO HAVE THE BACKGROUND IF THE HIDEOUS PELAMIN.

4. I'll hate my wedding because I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE AT A HOUSE. I WANT TO BE AT AN OPEN VENUE, WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO THINK OF CLEANING UP AFTER (not that I'll do the cleaning anyway).

5. I'll hate my wedding because someone inserts pink into my theme without my consent and I HATE PINK.

6. I will definitely hate my wedding for the things to come after today.

I hate they're here cuz I wanna to my work and this noisy man has a mouth of a drain and I hate that my ears can't be close all the time. It is difficult for me to do my work right now.

I don't feel I need help for my own freaking wedding. I have money and I am closer to sources to buy those freaking wedding stuff. I can buy them anytime I wish. Why others are being nosy?



Friday, 11 November 2016

Rant on what I want

Hi blog, it's been long since last I utilized you. I guess life happened.

N'way so one day a friend asked me what motivates me to still grab the day instead of staying on bed and let the day wash on us, what has kept me going.

I thought hard on that question, despite it's simplicity in and of the question-self - it was asked over a WhatsApp message.

Me five, four years ago would answer that I want to fly, I want to pass INTEC, I want to be the Muslim who excel in my thang. Me three, two years ago would answer I want to graduate, get a good high-paying job and I want to be the Muslim who follows all His rules and stay like that till end of my time. Me one year ago, recent times, answered I want to have house, a nice car, stability and to have all that with my partner (soon to be), to feel like I am achieving my own self-actualization - Maslow's hierarchy of needs has always been at the back of my head, to some small percent contributing to motivate my move - to feel great, every day, and to die knowing I had done the best and I did have a good life.

Me now is the me who wants to be beautiful, great body great skin, healthy in and out. I desire to be someone who has a regular monthly spa visit just to check my skin. I want SKII to appear on my shelf in my bathroom, like a signature skin care product. And whenever people enter my bathroom and notice the clear glass bottle with silver top, they'll say in their head, "Ana punye," with awe. Not only one bottle but several bottles of SKII on my shelf, indicating how economically stable I am that I can afford a set of those high end skin care. I want to have a good skin that I don't have to worry about putting powder too much on it. I want my partner to know that he doesn't have to worry about accidentally sucking in chemicals when he kisses my cheeks or forehead.

 I want a vehicle that works for me now, doesn't matter what brand it is just as long as it is good to go. When the time permits I'll change to Hyundai or Honda. I want a house that's not too big, but has several sections because I like a space to be compartmentalized. I don't mind for a landed property or not, either one, its architecture needs to reflect the house similar to what I've seen in New York, at Buffalo. Humble house, rich content. I want the windows with white wood panels, flower box just outside. Real flowers of course. I want to have just a small space for a mini garden. One long bench or one swing to put there, and if possible, a mini water fountain would do the trick for a self therapy session.

I wish for a partner who randomly gives me flower bouquets - real flowers of course. I can always buy for myself and write on the card as if given from someone else, but knowing that I am lying to myself only make me feel more pity than ever. I wish to get bouquets like this, and of course a prettier one for my wedding:

Processed with VSCOcam with hb1 preset
Credit to

Image result for beautiful flower bouquet, rustic
Nak cari jugak kat Ipoh something like this! - photo credit

Image result for beautiful flower bouquet, rustic, valentine
To get like this sometimes, would made my day...sighs - credit

But of course I know him...he's just not like this. I have to write an SOP just to get bouquet. But the thing is, no girl likes to tell her man what he should do, even though when I understand that men are always blur. The struggle to fight our own ego just to let you know what we want - and ain't it obvious that girls like to be pampered with beautiful things? God did not create diamonds to only be mata gerudi terowong bawah tanah or as a tool to cut a stronger mineral, didn't He?- it painful, the same ego for you to tear just to ask someone on the street when you got lost trying to go to a wedding.

I guess aku pendam je la. Untung-untung Tuhan makbulkan keinginan hati ini one day. But when Tuhan makbulkan, Far, just a heads up that don't feel disappointed that the flowers you'll get will not be from him. Ever. It's just how the world is.

OK sambung balik...

I want...

haha...maybe next time. Gotta get my ass together to write proposal paper. Sighs. I'll never take Master's during working again and I won't go for PhD.

Yah, no thanks.

Thursday, 13 October 2016

I feel empty. But sense of purpose is still there, just empty.

So aku relakan untuk kurangkan mesej, tak call dia and vice versa, because I want him to be in a good shape. Not sure la if I am stupid...I mean, can a man really be trusted? Either boleh dipercayai or he is already halfway through with another woman la right now. And I'll be yet another girl in the history of stupid girls. Actually currently am feeling like that but...hmm...ntahlah.

Weird though ... really sakit kepala because of too much exposure to screen? I am positive it is because of the earphones, and not computer/phone screen. 

I care about him so much that I am willing to sacrifice my personal interest to always communicate with him. Entahlah...I hope what I am doing is worth it. 

I miss you so so much :)

Monday, 1 August 2016

Rendah diri

So...first day at new work place.
I told my fiancé what happened and he responded they should not have treated me as a second-class citizen.

Jujurnya aku adalah perasan aku dipandang rendah, but honestly, I didn't feel ashamed nor humiliated. I noticed that but I didn't really bother. I don't care if they see me with tacky things, with head scarf far from being a hijabista, with a Myvi (if they see it as a second-class car), hell, if they see me with whatever things not up to their value, hell I don't care.


I have my own goals, my own desires and my own priorities. I have my own principles, my own feeling of accomplishment. 

Besides, what is there to make you feel bigger anyways? Your shoes your clothes  are not made in heaven, your food your steak your pies are not cooked baked by angels, you did not drink from a goblet made of gold this morning, and for goodness' sake you are still on Earth, the same place all humans live, the same place we dump our shit and the same place where our food grows. Jesus. Hai ya Allah...pfft.

So, Far, ape-apelah. Layankan aje. Seek the good.

Monday, 11 July 2016

Wey susah nak kawin ni wei

Have you ever been in a situation where it is all dark all around you. It is as if you are closing your eyes but you are not. You cannot tell whether your are sleeping or awaken if not because of your eyelashes that keep the lids moveable.

So, so dark, and you are heading towards the end of the path. High walls all around you, you cannot climb, nor there is any door, any window. You want to get out, you keep walking but with no defined destination. You don't even know where are you actually heading. You keep on walking in the pitch-black situation, not knowing if there is a hole right in front, nor a trap, nor anything that can take your life away.

Sensation of drowning engulfing you. You feel lonely, hopeless, irritated, tired, anxious, uncertain. 

Ha inilah apa yang aku rasa sekarang. Nak kahwin, dengan orang yang aku sendiri pilih dan redha, famili pun nampak boleh terima, tapi entah kenapa, halangan datang dari sumber yang sama.

I would appreciate if there is no such question like bila nak kahwin. I don't have the answer, I don't know who have the answer. Am I not still trapped in the darkness? How is it possible the trapped to answer such question that requires freedom?

Monday, 6 June 2016

Tahniah for the race! 🎉🎉🎉

And the winner is...Mr. Tunang tahpape!
Congatulations on the following offenses:

1. Racing with your fiancee and did not let her win;

2. Racing with your fiancee and mistreated her like your enemy;

3. Racing with your fiancee and disregard her safety - she almost crashed, thrice, but thanks to slowing down and the break;

4. Racing with your fiancee and left her behind so far like she is your ultimate enemy;

5. Racing with your fiancee and still pushed yourself to win on the very last minute;

6. Racing with your fiancee to her parents's house in her hometown and still did not let her win;

7. Racing with your fiancee and laughed at her upon your honorary winning moment;

8. Racing with your fiancee and did not notice how much it was offensive to not let her win;

9. Racing with your fiancee and after the race still so proud with your victory that you said "takpe lain kali A bagi A menang." Oh bagi menang? Oh please.

So the prizes for this are (oh yes, prizeS):

1. A fiancee who no longer will treat you with respect, instead, with vengence.

2. A fiancee who will never forget about this until revenge is done.

3. A fiancee who has revenge towards you. The worst enemy you can get.

4. A fiancee who will treat you exactly like your enemy, just the way how your heart felt when you raced with her. Oh I know that "i am winning you are losing" feeling.

5. A fiancee who will be reluctant to talk to you, unless with hatred. Until she is satisfied. Even if you apologize and even if she sort of forgives you (note the IF there), there will still that spot in her heart that you have offended so badly. 

6. A fiancee who will doubt all your sweet talk. Huh, remember when you said you wanna take a good care of me? Well you did a great job that I almost killed myself. I may have misinterpreted that from you. Taking a good care of me must have meant that taking a good care of my body, which is, possible for you to do - take a good care of my corpse.

7. And last but not least, though this was not a gift unique and intended from me, a car dented, maybe not so bad but still dented. Which I want to make a public statement about this - PADAN MUKA.

Wowowowow congrats again! Horrayy you should celebrateee!

Tahniah for winning and losing at the same time. An achievement so rare, it's like winning a Noble Prize.

So proud of you.