Why ada orang tua yang kurang ajar?

 My biological father is not the kind of people that I look up to. Sometimes when I encounter ads or stories that one is proud of their father, one is loved by their father, one is looking up at their father, I feel empty.

I've been searching for the answer to kenapa ada ramai orang tua biadap, kurang ajar, when they're supposed to be role models, supposed to be respected la apela, but really, why should I respect orang tua yang kurang ajar?

There are many instances that I still remember to this date orang tua yang kurang ajar to me out of no where. I have vengeance toward them? Yes. Do I forgive them? No. Am I able to forgive them? Don't see why should I.

Because they're old people. Takkan dah tua pun bodoh? 

Some instances...

1. Old man driving car like an asshole. When honked, because how else right to teach these assholes, will look back at me like I'm wrong. WTH.

2. One mak cik scolded me in surau, yes SURAU, for me putting my laptop back on a chair that isn't being used. There were not many people in the surau anyways, like 4-5 people only and they are capable of standing. I was pregnant. Yes PREGNANT that heavy abdominal area situation. And this mak cik came to me, started to babble and pointed her finger to my face, just because I put my heavy bag on the chair, which I can't really bongkok to put the bag down on the floor, what more to pick it up later. Several people saw that, none defended. I was left mute, not even care to ask for the reason why I did it. WTH, you just met God and afterwards scolded me? Was that Islam? 

3. This old lady from a local wealth management company whom easily scolded "Saya ni bukan operator." Excuse me, even if I dialed the wrong number, can't you say it politely? What is wrong with you....you're a mak cik and doesn't even know what adab is?

I really wish I can find the answer to this....Why orang tua kurang ajar? And why do I still need to respect them? Why Islam still ask me to respect them? Shouldn't we teach them lesson? Or is God helping to teach the lesson? But I want to know, what's God doing on them. 

Nothing is more hideous in this world than orang tua yang buruk sikap and kurang ajar. 

Great Admin it is!

It's time of the year for annual performance review and I am excited because I have been in this job for over 6 months, and things so far look okay. OK JELAHHH.

In the beginning I am totally reluctant to ask this one person for feedback. I mean, why should I. Until a discussion with my counselor (the person in charge for my overall well-being, in short, who will affect boss's opinion on me to a large extent), who asked me to just get the person's view. Penatlah menaip person person, let's name them - GH and PK. GH is the counselor and PK is the person-whom-I-don't-want-to-get-review-from. 

It's not that I am not in good term with PK, it's just well, PK is ad hoc. Hmm not really ad hoc but kinda.

So the system in this office is surprisingly transparent. Meaning to say whatever people talked about you, or typed actually, can be read. Haha.

So upon PK responded to my request, okla kan dia respond jugak, with my never-insof curiosity, I opened PK's review to read. I know I was mean to PK before, on certain days and on certain things, not mean la, like *firm*.

Office politics is that they(me) gotta be nice to some people for future's sake, and I believe PK is like that. 

Tengok-tengok ditulisnya "expert in administrative 'stuff'" kome...

Hmmm...maybe I am too sensitive. I am reading multiple lines under from that one sentence. Maybe I should just read it at surface value.

At least, it's a praise...right? Mmmkay!

After 3 years !

Hello blog,

After 3 years now I'm back.

Wow peliknya baca blog sendiri, macam time capsule. This time around, malas nak italicize all those English words, German words whatsoever word not in Malay. Malaslah. Betapa skemanya aku dulu haha.

Now I'm nearing 30 walaweyyy surreal gila typing this blog now.

All that I wished before, and worked for, not wish only ya, almost all came true by God's grace.

I have:

1. A house, my own house. Ok on loan la I mean c'mon I'm not crazy rich, not even rich, but close.

2. A car. On load jugak, both these are currently on moratorium. Which reminds me, I need to check their statuses.

3. A husband. Opposite of my biological father and I am grateful for that.

4. A child. Accidental but now she's 3 so oklah. Didn't know I can raise a human that long, pokok pun tak sampai setahun dah layu mati.

5. A career. Not what I dreamed of, but something that keeps me going (and down), something that can give that jolt of adrenaline and stress. Most importantly, that I am very grateful of too, an international company.

6. A dream, or dreams, but I accumulate them together so it's a dream, not dreams - umrah, Haji, a second house, to drop everything one day and start something on my own.

Ok that's all as a 3-year quick summary of me. 

Going to be active back on writing here.

I was thinking of changing the layout to something cleaner, white wash ke kan...but upon seeing the picture I took years back with my sister's back that she didn't want to own anymore, I rest my case, bio jela.

20 days!

Tazzabarnye!

Seronoknye. So many things I wanna start and start over.

 

Aku betul-betul harapkan lepas kahwin ni hidup aku akan lurus balik, insyallah. Of courselah takdela terus jadi normal, mestilah berperingkat. Even though it will take time, but at least I am fully control of my life, and the best part is, I am in full control with the best supporter ever.

I am looking forward to a great life.

I imagine living in our new studio house. It's Sunday. Yesterday we went out to somewhere, and we got tired. So we (read: I) decided to enjoy that night and sleep after Fajr the next morning :p. He liked my idea. 

He gets up before I do. I can hear the rustle of our comforter. He walks to the bathroom. I push the home button of my phone. 5:50 AM. I go back to sleep, while waiting for him to use the only bathroom. Suddenly a soft touch on my shoulder, "wake up love, it's Fajr. Let's pray together." He repeats that a few times, each time with different calling names for me - love, manje, and my own name lastly. 

It's 6:20 AM. I am behind him, in my new telekung that he gave me on February 3rd. He announces the takbir. 

Al-Fatihah, then a surah he recites from the middle of the chapter, not sure the name of it. 

Ah, alhamdulillah lucky me. My husband knows surahs that I don't. Surely a motivation to learn and memorize the Qur'an.

Sujood. His head and tip of nose touch the prayer mat I bought for him, as a gift for our special day.

His voice, so deep. Breaking the silence of our 2-month old home. I feel so guided. So protected.

Serene. So peaceful.

Assalamualaikum warah matullah. 

He turns to the side, not facing me, but about 90 degrees. He lifts his hands and starts to recite du'as. For our parents, for us. For our present and future. #tilljannah, as he always say.

We go back to bed. The air-cond has long been turned off, but it's still cold. 

[skip to 9 AM. Hehe]

9:04 AM. I wake up, feeling sandy in my throat. He's still asleep. I look at him for a moment. Brush his hair slowly. Not to wake this piece of art. It's Sunday still, nothing to rush. I sway my view to in front of me. Warm light enters our house, illuminating the whole area from the windowed wall. I get off the bed, walking to the kitchen which is just next to our bed, separated only by a thin wall of shelves. 

I fill the empty pot with water, and empty the water next into the coffee maker. Instead of ground coffee, I leave the machine's container empty. I put 2 tea bags into the pot, and I turn the machine on. Water starts boiling. I open the fridge door and take out 2 eggs. Hm...maybe grilled cheese sandwich with eggs and sausages? That sounds delish. Okay now where's the bread I bought yesterday? Oh here. Gotta cut these sausages. I wash my hands  first. Cutting the sausages into coins-like. Omakkau! Cis. Here are his hands again, hugging my waits from behind. A little surprise he always like to do since. "Hey lelaki gatal," I always shriek like that. His common answer would be "lantakla," with a naughty smile.

Wah imaginasi. Takpela kalau tak dapat camni at least dah pernah tulis sini. Dapatla baca kalau kepunan perhatian.

 

I'LL HATE MY FIRST WEDDING

1. I'll hate my wedding because 50% of the invite card design IS HIDEOUS and it has my name on it.

2. I'll hate my wedding because I am 100% sure the doorgifts my mother and sister will buy today are extremely HIDEOUS and so 80's.

3. I'll hate my wedding because chances of my pelamin  to be according to what I want is NIL. It will be HIDEOUS AND I SWEAR TO GOD IF IT IS HIDEOUS AND NOT MY CHOICE I WILL NOT LET THE SKIN OF MY FOOT TOUCH ANY PART OF IT nor MY FACE TO HAVE THE BACKGROUND IF THE HIDEOUS PELAMIN.

4. I'll hate my wedding because I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE AT A HOUSE. I WANT TO BE AT AN OPEN VENUE, WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO THINK OF CLEANING UP AFTER (not that I'll do the cleaning anyway).

5. I'll hate my wedding because someone inserts pink into my theme without my consent and I HATE PINK.

6. I will definitely hate my wedding for the things to come after today.


I hate they're here cuz I wanna to my work and this noisy man has a mouth of a drain and I hate that my ears can't be close all the time. It is difficult for me to do my work right now.

I don't feel I need help for my own freaking wedding. I have money and I am closer to sources to buy those freaking wedding stuff. I can buy them anytime I wish. Why others are being nosy?

I WILL HATE MY WEDDING BECAUSE HAS ANYONE EVER ASKED WHAT DAMN THING THAT I WANT????? 

I WILL NEED TO MARRY AGAIN LATER WHEN I MYSELF CAN SET EVERYTHING I WANT. 

Rant on what I want

Hi blog, it's been long since last I utilized you. I guess life happened.

N'way so one day a friend asked me what motivates me to still grab the day instead of staying on bed and let the day wash on us, what has kept me going.

I thought hard on that question, despite it's simplicity in and of the question-self - it was asked over a WhatsApp message.

Me five, four years ago would answer that I want to fly, I want to pass INTEC, I want to be the Muslim who excel in my thang. Me three, two years ago would answer I want to graduate, get a good high-paying job and I want to be the Muslim who follows all His rules and stay like that till end of my time. Me one year ago, recent times, answered I want to have house, a nice car, stability and to have all that with my partner (soon to be), to feel like I am achieving my own self-actualization - Maslow's hierarchy of needs has always been at the back of my head, to some small percent contributing to motivate my move - to feel great, every day, and to die knowing I had done the best and I did have a good life.

Me now is the me who wants to be beautiful, great body great skin, healthy in and out. I desire to be someone who has a regular monthly spa visit just to check my skin. I want SKII to appear on my shelf in my bathroom, like a signature skin care product. And whenever people enter my bathroom and notice the clear glass bottle with silver top, they'll say in their head, "Ana punye," with awe. Not only one bottle but several bottles of SKII on my shelf, indicating how economically stable I am that I can afford a set of those high end skin care. I want to have a good skin that I don't have to worry about putting powder too much on it. I want my partner to know that he doesn't have to worry about accidentally sucking in chemicals when he kisses my cheeks or forehead.

 I want a vehicle that works for me now, doesn't matter what brand it is just as long as it is good to go. When the time permits I'll change to Hyundai or Honda. I want a house that's not too big, but has several sections because I like a space to be compartmentalized. I don't mind for a landed property or not, either one, its architecture needs to reflect the house similar to what I've seen in New York, at Buffalo. Humble house, rich content. I want the windows with white wood panels, flower box just outside. Real flowers of course. I want to have just a small space for a mini garden. One long bench or one swing to put there, and if possible, a mini water fountain would do the trick for a self therapy session.

I wish for a partner who randomly gives me flower bouquets - real flowers of course. I can always buy for myself and write on the card as if given from someone else, but knowing that I am lying to myself only make me feel more pity than ever. I wish to get bouquets like this, and of course a prettier one for my wedding:

Credit to singaporebrides.com

Nak cari jugak kat Ipoh something like this! - photo credit

To get like this sometimes, would made my day...sighs - credit

But of course I know him...he's just not like this. I have to write an SOP just to get bouquet. But the thing is, no girl likes to tell her man what he should do, even though when I understand that men are always blur. The struggle to fight our own ego just to let you know what we want - and ain't it obvious that girls like to be pampered with beautiful things? God did not create diamonds to only be mata gerudi terowong bawah tanah or as a tool to cut a stronger mineral, didn't He?- it painful, the same ego for you to tear just to ask someone on the street when you got lost trying to go to a wedding.

I guess aku pendam je la. Untung-untung Tuhan makbulkan keinginan hati ini one day. But when Tuhan makbulkan, Far, just a heads up that don't feel disappointed that the flowers you'll get will not be from him. Ever. It's just how the world is.

OK sambung balik...

I want...

haha...maybe next time. Gotta get my ass together to write proposal paper. Sighs. I'll never take Master's during working again and I won't go for PhD.

Yah, no thanks.

I feel empty. But sense of purpose is still there, just empty.

So aku relakan untuk kurangkan mesej, tak call dia and vice versa, because I want him to be in a good shape. Not sure la if I am stupid...I mean, can a man really be trusted? Either boleh dipercayai or he is already halfway through with another woman la right now. And I'll be yet another girl in the history of stupid girls. Actually currently am feeling like that but...hmm...ntahlah.

Weird though ... really sakit kepala because of too much exposure to screen? I am positive it is because of the earphones, and not computer/phone screen. 

I care about him so much that I am willing to sacrifice my personal interest to always communicate with him. Entahlah...I hope what I am doing is worth it. 

I miss you so so much :)