Hari Terakhir Internship

Huhu.

Kadang-kadangkan, akan ada hari yang kita akan mess up. We thought we gonna start that day perfectly because we did nothing wrong yesterday, or maybe we did nothing wrong AND we did something good yesterday, so we think we at least deserve a decent reward from fate to have at least another normal day today. Guess what...fate doesn't have ears.

16 Ramadan 1435

Lepas sahur, macam biasala, perut boroi mana mahu tidur terus. Jadi aku pun chillax dengan mushaf Uthmani, sebelum tidur balik dalam jam 4.50 pagi gitu, aku sempat lagi baca artikel Dr.MAZA fasal kenapa kempen antisematik Hitler dahulu berjaya. Tapi entah kenapa, mungkin sebab perut yang keterlaluan boroi gamaknya, susah jugakla aku nak tidur balik. Dahla kena pergi naik shuttle jam 7.30. Kalau tak tidur, bila pulak nak ganti tidur. Nanti tertidur kat tempat intern memang nayala. So tossing punya tossing, akhirnya tertidur jugak. Set alarm jam 6.40 pagi. In shaa Allah bangun huhu.

Memang bangun pun. Jam 7.22.

(-________-)"



Mandi tak, gosok gigi tak payah, dengan masam-masam tu aku sarung jeans, pakai cardigan, pin tudung, cau. Alhamdulillah dapat naik shuttle. Hari last intern ni, everything kena perfect! Dahla ada presentation.

Okay, maka sampailah aku dengan selamat. Masuk pejabat aku, alang-alang ada lagi 5 minit sebelum waktu intern aku start, aku pun bertolakla ke tandas. Laju je aku pergi tandas sebab yela, tandas...tandas.


Dah tenang-tenang tu aku pun nak masukla ruang office aku balik. Punyala sentap jantung aku bila aku sedar aku lupa bawak security card. Ya Allah....camne nak masuk opis balik arghhh. Ruang pejabat tu ada banyak lapisan. Untuk masuk lapisan tempat aku intern, kena ada security card, tapi nak masuk office aku, tak payah. Jadi dengan rasa kebodohan melampau, aku pun tunggula orang lalu situ, kot-kot bolehla tolong bukakan pintu. 3 minit, 6 minit...10 minit...haiyoyo. Aku dah rasa macam dalam perut ikan nun dah. Mulala aku baca doa Nabi Yunus...doa taubat Nabi Adam pun aku tibai baca. Kantoila kalau supervisor aku call office aku pastu aku takde, habisla evaluation aku nanti. Satu-satunya akses aku ke dunia luar adalah elevator. Aku pun duk turun, naik, cari-cari orang boleh tolong aku untuk masuk ke pejabat balik. Memang lengang betul bangunan tu.

Alhamdulillah lepas hampir 20 minit aku buang masa...ada seorang staf yang sangat cwit ni tolong aku. Yes, yes, kenapa aku tak guna cell phone aku untuk call for help kan...sebab aku pergi tandas tu memang sehelai sepinggang bawak diri dan botol je. Pandai betul...


Okay so far the good news is, aku tak kantoi dengan supervisor aku. Aku berjaya sampaikan pembentangan dan hampir-hampir aku nak keluar, supervisor aku beri kerja yang terakhir. Aku pun macam, oklah kan, tak kisah buat jela. Dan of course aku screwed up. Yang kena print  2 helai pdf document je, tapi aku pergi print 2 sets, siap warna lagi. Dahla supervisor aku pesan jangan guna color quota. Kalau ikutkan hati aku yang biul ni, nak je aku sorok set dokumen tu, tak pun buang on the way keluar bangunan. Tapi memandangkan bulan Ramadan ni bulan melatih akhlak mulia, aku pun beritahu jela apa jadi. Memang muka supervisor aku tadi macam serigala tercekik air liur sendiri huhu. Tapi mungkin sebab hari ini last day aku, jadi dia senyum senyum jela. Haha.

Balik intern, pergi kelas kat North, pastu pergi makmal kat South. Petang tu aku balik memang tidur 2 jam. Hadoihh. Bangun-bangun dah jam 6.30. Solat belum lagi, mandi lagila. Masak iftar pun tak mula lagi.

Hari ini hari pertama bekalan ayam aku habis kat rumah, jadi terpaksala makan daging. Dengan rajinnya aku melangkah ke dapur nak buat daging bakar. Ala ramas-ramas je daging tu dengan garam, Greek seasoning, dan EVOO, pastu biar masak atas kuali. Senang, cepat dan beres. Bila waktu dah masuk, aku pun pergila dengan gumbiranya nak makan, cedok nasi.

Sedih gilerr bila tengok nasi yang aku warm dalam rice cooker basi. Alahai. Makan daging dengan sayur jela.

Yang paling best adalah aku suka masak awal, dan bila dah dekat waktu nak iftar aku akan re-heat makanan aku on stove. Aku pun panaskanla balik daging aku tadi. Memang harum semerbak la rumah, kuat sangat bau daging tu. Aku spray dengan pewangi pun still bau daging lagi.
Lepas aku selesai ambik wudu' untuk Isya', baru aku perasan yang aku tak tutup stove, bila aku buka penutup kuali, asap berkepul-kepul keluar...daging aku dah nak hangit dah. Actually, memang dah rentung.


So, itulah kisah hari ini. Semua serba serbi tak kena walau macam mana aku cuba untuk make things straight.

Haha, it's just one of those days. Small, small things that make you smile if you choose to. 

An Obituary for Stupidity

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim



Post kali ini adalah post terakhir berkenaan masalah pemulihan yang sedang aku lalui. Promise that to myself. 

I'm willing to let go now. Like, seriously. I have to hold to my previous words that I told him, that if not, life goes on. Then it should. 
So to let go, I did something rather childish, but it works. It has been working so far and alhamdulillah for the idea. 

Lovely words written on a white tombstone

 
Once he replied me with a poem. I loved that poem so much because I don't know, it just sounded out of sincerity of his heart. The words are so, so beautiful to me. He must have been writing and editing that for one whole week, if not for 10 minutes.



It was the last nicest thing.




In mid June, I decided I have to do something to let it go. Seriously something is haunting me, and I don't like it. So I print that out, bought a decent frame, put the poem into the frame, place it on the fireplace and ornate it with a single dried red rose. (No I didn't buy the flower, hell no)

It is meant as his "tombstone".





...and it works. So far alhamdulillah.


Yeah, yeah lame me. I think I have problem with letting people go. Because I make sure that people who enter my life, like really personally, are worth to be there. And always do I found myself greedy of that person's attention, though seldom I show it. By my definition, letting go here doesn't include death...I mean so far, my logic and rational thinking says that death is something unavoidable, so there shouldn't be an issue of keeping it, no issue of letting go at all. Why you want to be afraid nor sad about it, since you're returning back home, to the Arms of your Creator? Why must we be worried when there's death, since that person whom we care is in the care of the Most Merciful now? Okay that's how I see death, for now.

But if the person whom you care, love, if you will, is going away from you not because of death, but because of another person, that's something unacceptable. Or if the reason is just plain stupid like..."I'm not good for you". Blahhh.
If you know something wouldn't last, why bother starting it at the first place? Like, seriously people.


Hell yeah I'm angry. But it's an in-thing, I don't show and will not show it, that emotion, instead of pulling me down, will only turn me into another new person - a whole new character. A new person who will not remember that person anymore, in any way or circumstance. A person with A-amnesia.

I was expecting myself to be all aloof, saddened, for months, like in the movies. Or like, the semester after he left.
But hey, that will only make me the stupid one. And I'm above that. And I have a legit future. All too good that I was willing to let this person enters it for the sake of a better future. But the door has now closed. It was an ultimatum. The ultimate decision has been made and there is no turning back.

God, it feels so so good to let it go here. I have been writing another personal log in another medium but my ego just like the idea of pouring everything here. Normally when it is out here, it is no longer in me, my mind, my heart. So yes, I'm letting go.

Yes, it is a rushing decision, if you see it that way. I am rushing to cure myself because I need to guard my future. 23 is the age to know where you want to stand. No more playing around. It's time to think money, wealth, career, posh cars, expensive condo and what not. Yes, say that I am materialistic but you, I gave you the chance to change this but you declined. I'm blaming you alright.


Seeing this situation from another perspective, the nice babes will say that it is all fated, written in the Qadr. Yes I know. I realize that because I don't want to deny that I did pray. It is Allah's decree for this not to happen, but I am more fond to blame your stupidity. One of the reasons a Muslim's prayer is not granted is because He wants to protect that Muslim from a calamity. Guess what, I think you are a mistake, and will be the disaster in my future life. Thank God that you decided to withdraw from the play. But I still blame your stupidity.


Once I visited my friend at Colorado. It was a pretty personal journey, just to get out of the situation. I've always wanted to see the mountains there anyway. One great advice that he said to me was "A, do you want to be known as the A, who has done this and that, achieved this and that, or do you want to be known as A, this person's wife?"
I was silenced by that.
So true.


I don't regret this happen, for it is a learning process. I regret only 2 things along this episode of life: 1) his stupidity, and 2) the very last question I asked Wani, one of the people who I dragged into this. I wish I could take back the question before she answer it. But that'd be awkward. Let it be then, I don't bother the answer anymore.


I write this because the person exist, the story is true and the impact is huge.
But the memory is dead, the story ended and the scar will always bleed.

I still care though. But it was an ultimatum.

A Duckling from the Pith of an Abyss

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate,




When I was in high school, I can't remember exactly at what age I was, maybe 14, or 15...either one, it was the age where most of my peers were busy searching the attention of boys. And vice versa.

Of course, being among them and being a girl at that age, I was trapped. That was the pop-culture.


One of my escape routes was to think that there's no point of having such time-limited relationship. C'mon, your monkey love ain't gonna be forever. It's the reality. History has it that not many high school lovers safely entered marriage. It is a waste of time, and phone credit, and not to forget energy for emotions, to be engaged in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

Another one of my routes of thinking was that I am an ugly duckling. Nobody wants to look at me nor have the fantasy to be with me. Yeah, a pretty matured way of thinking, if you want to put it that way. So I pinned that believe strongly in my mind and heart, because I believed this ugly duckling need to focus on her goals to end high school with flying colors first, to enter a creme de la creme college, to grad with honors, to get the best-paying job, to have a nice, up-to-the-beat car, and to own the most peaceful-looking house (not renting). Then, she'll turn into the most beautiful swan anyone could've ever seen.

Blahh...I'll be the most mesmerizing swan! - Credit

But along the way walking to fulfill my fate, I somehow forgot that I'd such thinking embedded in me. Oh well...

Because I forgot who I aimed to be - the beautiful swan adored by many - I began to lower my guard. I'd fell into a deep hole in which I admit, I am still in progress climbing out from it. I hole dug by someone who not only refused to help me out of it, he even denied he was the one digging it. I hope he does bother to cover it up, for the hole is too deep an abyss, and whosoever trap in it, I believe, only a soul can be given as an exchange for the freedom of the victim's heart.

Okay okay, I'm trying to get over it. Gee. Anyways,

To love - one of the things that I've learned while climbing out of the hole - means to let go.
As I was watching the third episode of season one "Lie to Me", it came to me why God does what He does. He knows the future, what will happen to you, if you disobey Him. Like, when you want to perform adultry. The consequent is, needless to say, always bad. Either you end up behind bars, or I don't know...you hang yourself because you're too stress, maybe you'll start taking drugs and you'll die because of overdose. In short, the aftermath is not pretty.

God knows when you have the desire to do it, and He knows, He is actually seeing you doing it. But He doesn't, in a normal situation, save that maybe you're rescued by someone else's prayers or whatnot, stop you like...literally stop you. He doesn't shout from above the Heavens "Hey you there! Stop it, otherwise you'll enter Hell!". Well, technically He does warn mankind via the Holy Qur'an. But that requires effort of opening the Book, reading it and searching for the most trusted translation to the Arabic scriptures for one to know that he is warned.

In that episode of "Lie to Me", Dr. Lightman's daughter, Emily, was caught in a party by the police. She previously called her dad to inform she was going to stay a night at her friend's to prepare for an exam. Dr.Lightman, being a professional lie detector he is, knew that his daughter was lying but he still gave her permission. After  the caught, Emily was punished to clean Dr.Lightman's store room. While carrying heavy stuff, Emily was helped by Gillian, Dr.Lightman's collegue. Gillian told her that Dr.Lightman already knew she was lying, but he still gave her permission for having the night at her friend's. Emily, being a 15-year-old, didn't understand her father's choice. Gillian gladly explained that if he didn't let her to pursue her wish, it won't be any sooner that she will distance herself from him. So, to put this scene into another perspective...


Allah deliberately gave humans free will. I mean, He did mention in the Qur'an that if He wants, He can make every human to obey Him, to perform His commands exactly as they are executed, but He didn't. He gave us the freedom to choose. Adam was the first human given the choice, the first human to feel how is it like to choose something, a feeling that we now call free will (thanks to Jeffrey Lang, author of "Losing My Religion: A Call for Help", indeed that is a good read).

He knows we will do wrong (notice that I didn't say He knew? Because God is not entitled to time), yet He still let us. Because He doesn't want His constant watch irritates us, among other reasons.

If your parents were to constantly nagging at you to do something perfectly, wouldn't you feel that you don't have the freedom to prove yourself? It is a suffocating feeling to have someone over your shoulder telling you to keep driving at 55 mph all the time till you reach your destination, when you know that sometimes your foot will jerk to 57 mph, or slow down to 48 mph. But that voice keep on saying, "Watch out, 55!". Without a doubt, you definitely will not driving with that person beside you again. That person has now been estranged. So does Allah, if He does the same.


Well, of course you have the thought that simply because Allah just want to give a severe punishment to those who cross His line. But why thinking that way, when you know that His Mercy is far beyond His Wrath? Didn't I start this post with His Loving names? Not to mention almost every surah in the Qur'an (except for at-Taubah) starts with bismillahi ar-Rahman ar-Rahim.



Food for thought. Thought for thy heart.




And f, this is for you. May you heal fast. You need to be a swan soon. (such a gorgeous pianist btw).