A Duckling from the Pith of an Abyss

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate,




When I was in high school, I can't remember exactly at what age I was, maybe 14, or 15...either one, it was the age where most of my peers were busy searching the attention of boys. And vice versa.

Of course, being among them and being a girl at that age, I was trapped. That was the pop-culture.


One of my escape routes was to think that there's no point of having such time-limited relationship. C'mon, your monkey love ain't gonna be forever. It's the reality. History has it that not many high school lovers safely entered marriage. It is a waste of time, and phone credit, and not to forget energy for emotions, to be engaged in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

Another one of my routes of thinking was that I am an ugly duckling. Nobody wants to look at me nor have the fantasy to be with me. Yeah, a pretty matured way of thinking, if you want to put it that way. So I pinned that believe strongly in my mind and heart, because I believed this ugly duckling need to focus on her goals to end high school with flying colors first, to enter a creme de la creme college, to grad with honors, to get the best-paying job, to have a nice, up-to-the-beat car, and to own the most peaceful-looking house (not renting). Then, she'll turn into the most beautiful swan anyone could've ever seen.

Blahh...I'll be the most mesmerizing swan! - Credit

But along the way walking to fulfill my fate, I somehow forgot that I'd such thinking embedded in me. Oh well...

Because I forgot who I aimed to be - the beautiful swan adored by many - I began to lower my guard. I'd fell into a deep hole in which I admit, I am still in progress climbing out from it. I hole dug by someone who not only refused to help me out of it, he even denied he was the one digging it. I hope he does bother to cover it up, for the hole is too deep an abyss, and whosoever trap in it, I believe, only a soul can be given as an exchange for the freedom of the victim's heart.

Okay okay, I'm trying to get over it. Gee. Anyways,

To love - one of the things that I've learned while climbing out of the hole - means to let go.
As I was watching the third episode of season one "Lie to Me", it came to me why God does what He does. He knows the future, what will happen to you, if you disobey Him. Like, when you want to perform adultry. The consequent is, needless to say, always bad. Either you end up behind bars, or I don't know...you hang yourself because you're too stress, maybe you'll start taking drugs and you'll die because of overdose. In short, the aftermath is not pretty.

God knows when you have the desire to do it, and He knows, He is actually seeing you doing it. But He doesn't, in a normal situation, save that maybe you're rescued by someone else's prayers or whatnot, stop you like...literally stop you. He doesn't shout from above the Heavens "Hey you there! Stop it, otherwise you'll enter Hell!". Well, technically He does warn mankind via the Holy Qur'an. But that requires effort of opening the Book, reading it and searching for the most trusted translation to the Arabic scriptures for one to know that he is warned.

In that episode of "Lie to Me", Dr. Lightman's daughter, Emily, was caught in a party by the police. She previously called her dad to inform she was going to stay a night at her friend's to prepare for an exam. Dr.Lightman, being a professional lie detector he is, knew that his daughter was lying but he still gave her permission. After  the caught, Emily was punished to clean Dr.Lightman's store room. While carrying heavy stuff, Emily was helped by Gillian, Dr.Lightman's collegue. Gillian told her that Dr.Lightman already knew she was lying, but he still gave her permission for having the night at her friend's. Emily, being a 15-year-old, didn't understand her father's choice. Gillian gladly explained that if he didn't let her to pursue her wish, it won't be any sooner that she will distance herself from him. So, to put this scene into another perspective...


Allah deliberately gave humans free will. I mean, He did mention in the Qur'an that if He wants, He can make every human to obey Him, to perform His commands exactly as they are executed, but He didn't. He gave us the freedom to choose. Adam was the first human given the choice, the first human to feel how is it like to choose something, a feeling that we now call free will (thanks to Jeffrey Lang, author of "Losing My Religion: A Call for Help", indeed that is a good read).

He knows we will do wrong (notice that I didn't say He knew? Because God is not entitled to time), yet He still let us. Because He doesn't want His constant watch irritates us, among other reasons.

If your parents were to constantly nagging at you to do something perfectly, wouldn't you feel that you don't have the freedom to prove yourself? It is a suffocating feeling to have someone over your shoulder telling you to keep driving at 55 mph all the time till you reach your destination, when you know that sometimes your foot will jerk to 57 mph, or slow down to 48 mph. But that voice keep on saying, "Watch out, 55!". Without a doubt, you definitely will not driving with that person beside you again. That person has now been estranged. So does Allah, if He does the same.


Well, of course you have the thought that simply because Allah just want to give a severe punishment to those who cross His line. But why thinking that way, when you know that His Mercy is far beyond His Wrath? Didn't I start this post with His Loving names? Not to mention almost every surah in the Qur'an (except for at-Taubah) starts with bismillahi ar-Rahman ar-Rahim.



Food for thought. Thought for thy heart.




And f, this is for you. May you heal fast. You need to be a swan soon. (such a gorgeous pianist btw).

 

For that child

Go home,

child

Go, be safe

In the warmth of your

mother's breath

Don't turn back

Don't flip the previous pages

And that's a lover's wish

Please

Go home safe

I whisper to You

My prayers 

In hope He will grant them soon

So don't be afraid

Just go home safe

With the touch of love

Believe

That you'll be home

safe.

"...with the touch of love, everyone turns into a poet"

Where did it go?

I'm losing it.

I've lost my poetic side.

Did you mistakenly take it? Or it was you, all along?













Hypothetically speaking, if you were to come back...it just won't happen.

Sigh.

Let Go...Maybe

Aih boi...

Aku seorang yang tidak suka bersukan. Sebab aku tak suka terluka. Sakit.

Yela, yela...luka sikit dah nak heboh.

Sebab aku jarang terluka.

Amazing enough, the cut healed pretty fast. It was a deep wound though.
Perhaps it's still bleeding, too much, that I don't even notice the pain. I got numbed.

Weird...

"To love someone doesn't mean that you have to own..." said a friend. Ah, kau, kau pun 2x5 dalam situasi ini.
Haha.

For

when Love blossoms

everything turns into

a poem

...

but when Spring ends

does the Sonnet buries

under those rotten petals

hm?

Time will heal everything. It will.

Perhaps one day, looking back at this, I will smile, laugh, maybe give out a sigh of relief.

I will understand. Just please don't say "tak ada jodoh". I know, you don't have to say.

Let me heal myself.

Time will heal.

 

que sera sera

Aih ... boi,

Kadang-kadang aku merasakan masalah-masalah dalam hidup aku, diselesaikan oleh Tuhan ibarat sedang membuka kulit pisang.
Satu persatu. 
Manis.
Kadang-kadang, masalah yang datang sangat pelik. Meninggalkan aku hairan. 
Hairan memikirkan solusi. Hairan pada nasib. Hairan bagaimana Tuhan menyelesaikannya. Tak pelik meh?
Bagaimana Tuhan bisa mengukir kisah kita semua, kisah kau, kisah aku, kisah kau dan aku, 50 000 tahun sebelum bapa kita dicipta? 

Perlahan mimpi terasa mengganggu

Kucoba untuk terus menjauh

Aneh itu barangkali satu perkataan yang terlalu rendah untuk menggambarkan kebesaran Tuhan. Gempak, ya, that's the word.

Perlahan hatiku terbelenggu

Kucoba untuk lanjutkan hidup

Perempuan itu makhluk yang pelik. Banyak bercakap. Sokseksoksek. Perkataan yang patut dirahsiakan, tidak dipendam. Mengapa? Sebab kami aneh.
Jadinya, aku ingin berbicara. Throwbackthreeyears.
Pena Tuhan telah menulis bahawa aku akan berjumpa dengan seseorang. Jatuh hati. Lalu menunggu. Akhirnya kecewa. 

Engkau bukanlah segalaku

Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahku

Aku manusia, tak kiralah aku join usrah ke, tak join ke, komponen manusiawi aku akan tetap menjajah aku. Ya, ya, iman aku lemah. 

Kecewa itu ada. Tapi expected.
Boi...bila lagi kau mahu belajar tentang kecewa? 
Yang pasti kau tidak belajar kecewa di kuliah harianmu, mahupun ketika perjumpaan Tau Sigma.
Bukan juga melalui NAK series di YouTube, ataupun memalui program-program ilmiah EM.

Boi, kecewa itu lebih daripada tidak mendapat A dalam subjek pre-req, lebih daripada meninggalkan meeting dengan perut kosong, lebih daripada buffering yang menjengkelkan, dan lebih daripada tidak mendapat subsidi kenderaan yang mencukupi.

Kecewa itu...
tidak menjumpai almond dalam Hershey's Kisses setelah manisnya dihisap-hisap. 
Sebab aku suka almond. Aku nak almond. Aku expect almond itu ada, wujud. 
Tapi aku lupa, Tuhan telah menulis, tiada almond di situ. Sorryla bhai. 

Pena Tuhan juga telah menulis, bahawa aku akan berjumpa dengan seseorang, jatuh hati, lalu menunggu, akhirnya kecewa. Tapi aku bangun, aku tidak menoleh, aku tidak tinggalkan ruang, aku menjadi kuat, aku menjajah hidupku, aku kembangkan sayapku, aku pergi, melangkah jauh, meninggalkan seseorang itu, meninggalkan masa lalu.




Pena Tuhan menulis, 

Usai sudah semua berlalu

Biar hujan menghapus jejakmu

Boi,

The first cut is always the deepest,

But it is also a rebirth. 

Dalam hati...

Uih...dalam hati...rase nak bagi penampo je. Ha, geram la ni. Eh eh...

Tempat bersandar

Perasan tak, with a slight change in the font, lagu ini dapat mengingatkan kita kepada Tuhan?


Tanpa sebarang nama Tuhan,
Hanya sifat-Nya,
Cukup untuk mengingatkan kita kepada Tuhan,

Padahal kalau dibuka video klip asal lagu ini, aku tak rasa Neo asalnya menulis puisi ketuhanan.

Indahkan. Listen to it. Sounds so "mukhlis" (sincere).


Kita terlalu menekankan romanticism dalam agama sehingga kita lupa to get back to the basics. Agama yang pada asalnya hanyalah untuk kita mengenal Tuhan (langsung beribadah kepada-Nya) kini sudah menjadi terlalu complicated. Term ini term itu, pening. Kalau tak guna, tak masuk group. Kalau guna, eh pelik pula. Tak pernah-pernah guna sebelum ini. Kawan-kawan lagi mesti akan cakap "tibbah sangat ni!".

Entahlah kawan, apa agama bagimu?

Adakah dengan menyebut "Oh my God" saat mendapat tahu kelas esok dibatalkan atau saat terkejut kawan anda membelikan anda iPhone 5 (huh? Adeke kawan macam ini? Haha. Mungkin) menjadi indikasi bahawa anda bertuhan?

Hm. Apa itu bertuhan, kawan?

Entahlah kawan. Kita kehilangan erti ketuhanan. Tanpa sedar kita beragama tapi tiada bertuhan. Oh, ada juga yang bertuhan namun hidup tanpa agama.
Aku kagum bagaimana para sahabat Rasulullah s.a.w. dahulu, sebelum semua ibadat-ibadat yang kita tahu kini di-established, yang syahid, terus masuk ke syurga. Tak, tak perlu teruk-teruk beribadah, hanya ikhlas kepada Tuhan. Tapi itu dahulu. Kawan itu dahulu. Setelah pena diangkat untuk perkara yang diwajibkan, kita perlu laksanakan. Exception ke Jannah tanpa ibadah yang kaw-kaw hanyalah pada zaman pre-Islam sahaja. Mereka ada ujian mereka, kita ada ujian kita. Tapi point aku, kawan, aku merasa hilangnya keikhlasan dengan perhiasan agama yang terlalu merimaskan.

Alhamdulillah aku termasuk dalam kalangan mereka yang berubah, in shaa allah. Aku tahu bagaimana rasanya, ada mata-mata memandang saat kita lakukan kesilapan di luar norma agama. Aku tahu apa rasanya saat ada masalah memahami perkara-perkara agama yang sulit namun simple di mata mereka. Aku tahu. I've been there and alhamdulillah Allah saved me, still saving me, and I hope he will save me in the future in shaa allah. 

Lalu bagaimana kawan, untuk mereka yang mahu berubah namun disebabkan oleh elemen-elemen agama yang memberatkan, yang dibawa oleh para hipokrit itu, lalu bagaimana untuk berubah? Tiada ruang. Susah. Sempit. Sesak. Lemas, tak bernafas.

Entahlah kawan.

Teruskan saat niat sedang terpacak di hati. Jangan toleh ke belakang, teruskan langkah. Biar mereka kritik, biar. Dengar jika tidak mampu dibisukan. Pekakkan telinga, jika kaki tidak dapat membawa pergi. Teruskan niat, sebab kau ikhlas, kawan.

Siapa sangka, yang mendengar Linkin Park mungkin sedang mengingati Tuhan dengan lebih khusyuk berbanding yang berdiri malam menunaikan qiam. 

Kalau hati ingin mengingati Tuhan, segala perkara kau akan lihat Dia.

Oh, "Cinta Yang Sempurna" by 6ixth Sense ft. Neo Letto juga antara lagu ketuhanan tanpa nama Tuhan. :)
Carian seleksi nasyid Malaysia kebanyakannya mengenai soal jodoh dan pernikahan. Bro, tak semua mahukan romanticism agama sebegitu rupa. Kami hanya mahukan Tuhan. Saya mahukan Tuhan.