Why eh?

"Wahai Ali, ada tiga perkara janganlah di lewat-lewatkan. Yang pertama, solat apabila telah masuk waktunya, yang kedua, jenazah apabila telah hadir dan yang ketiga, anak dara apabila telah ada orang sekufu dengannya."

Hmm...mayat lagi cepat masuk kubur compared dengan aku yang dah bertunang tapi tak nikah-nikah lagi.

Aku bayangkan, sebagai perempuan yang agak menjaga itu ini dalam agama, aku akan dapatla happy ending yang selalu orang-orang usrah ni gebang-gebangkan: ecece nikah dengan lelaki beragama, kenal melalui borang baitulmuslim, tak bercintun pun, waima wajah pun tak pernah tengok, aci tengok di gambar je. Ecece waktu nikah ala-ala tema Arab, semua orang senyum happy redha, tutup aurat terpisah lelaki perempuan. Yang aku, nikah aku pakai jubah putih, kalau rajin mungkin pakai niqab. Lepas lafaz nikah selesai, terus solat sunat. Suami letakkan tangan di ubun-ubun doa, jadi isteri taat dan bertaqwa. Happy. Hidup diredhai, semua orang suka senang dengan kami. Mati, Tuhan pun redha maka masuk syurga. Life's good.

Panjang angan-angan yang telah dibina dalam suasana usrah dulu.

Sakitnye hati semua tu tak berlaku. Aku rasa betrayed. 

Untuk stay sane dan sedar hidup bertuhan, aku keluar dari usrah. Rasa plastik dalam usrah membuak-buak waktu senior year. Biarlah hidup dengan layar aku sendiri. 

Dah bosang dah. 

Ape nak jadi, jadilah. 

Hey Far, may you never stop praying. May you be the stronger person that everyone one day shall envy. Amin.

the second

Why am I always the second? Almost always the second.

It is always your family first. Everything is.

Of course no doubt, and I fully realize, I am just your fiancée, still an outsider. 

But you are an outsider to me too and I have been putting you in front. I accept to go for Master's in Malaysia, for you, I accept that I have to work for at least 7 months, for you. I argued about marriage with my parents, for you. To some point I even deliberately starved, for you.

Some nights I don't even eat and sleep in starvation and when the next day comes, headache hits me. 

I prayed non-stop for you. I wake early on somedays, for you. Some days in months before I fasted, for you. 

I traveled far, day by day from morning till black night, for you. I was willing to spend, for you.

Weekends and you can sleep in till noon comes, I have to struggle to finish my readings, for you.

Some nights when I want to do assignments instead, I put it aside, for you.

If you want to argue about the ring then did not I have to be the one who requested for it? Did not I have to be the one who always remind my mother to have your akad by December?

I lower my crown, for you.

But did you ever go this far, for me?

You only give me your saliva and convincing words. Only "love" but less of action. You are working for yourself. You have a dem car for yourself. Weekends you can go anywhere enjoy your money but I am stuck here alone with burderns.

So you cannot anwser my call when you are with your family but why did I answer your call when I am with my family?

Still I am the second. Always have and will always be.

What is it left for me? The second one, the one who always gets what is left. 

Feel so stupid right now. 

One month from now is the finals week. Shit I have plenty of essays to work on. Even if I fail, I will still be his second. More reasons to be the second.

Me, this has to stop. 

Belajar terbang semula

Long story short, so I cried in front of my top two bosses.

Yang sorang ala-ala bapak-bapak. Yang sorang ala-ala abang-abang. Kalau tak kenal lebin lanjut memang akan ingat beliau ni jenis hisap shisha bukak kedai vape.

But they do have my respect. 

***

Dah. Mari kita bedah kenapa aku menangis.

Can I be more child-like? Yes.

Mengikut analisa aku, semuanya terjadi sebab aku mempunyai prinsip ini:

I shall delete, eliminate, anyone who causes nuisance in my life, for eternity.

Dan jenis anyone ini termasuklah mereka yang buat aku sakit hati. Sebab bila aku sakit hati, aku jadi marah dan sedih, bila aku marah dan sedih, aku jadi takde mood, bila aku takde mood, aku tak stay on track pada sesuatu yang aku hajatkan. Bila ini terjadi, life goal aku terganggu. Dan aku rasa useless. Better off I just be dirt then.

See. I hate, loath, toxic person. Doesn't matter who she or he is. 

Hmmm...macam mana nak atasi, yep?

Betul kata Encik A, aku dah pernah duduk luar negara jadi aku sepatutnya lebih hebat sebab aku dah tempuh macam-macam. 

Aku percaya aku tabah dan boleh handle pressure. Loh aku sangat tak puas hati beliau kata aku tak boleh handle pressure. Did you know aku kena marah dengan minah Telen Kop depat Malaysians di RIT? Aku tak nangis pun since, aku boleh elok lagi salam dengan beruang tu. Were you there when aku sanggup redah ribut salji (without realizing I was in one) jam 11-12 malam untuk pergi perpustakaan dan siapkan kerja aku, walhal aku bukannya tangguh kerja tapi laptop aku crashed last minute? Dan tak termasuk demam selesema sakit kepala waktu tiada laptop tp harung jugak siapkan, jam 2-3 pagi. Dan oh waktu tayar kereta meletop waktu aku memandu seorang diri di Tampa. Dengan GPS tak ada, harapkan signboard dan memori je. 

Habeh dia tu macam ler boleh handle pressure. Tu hisap rokok tu? Bukan tanda tak boleh deal pressure? Kalau boleh handle pressure kenapa tak teruskan dengan kerja at hand kenapa kena berhenti untuk nyalakan puntung yang ada kandungan pencuci restroom tu?

Loh dah cara aku handle pressure camtu - nangis, takde mood, dan menukar nama xhaj/&7& tu dengan 🐽 -, so camtula.

Takpela, kita quote beliau balik di sini. Ape yang Encik A cakap ni "boleh keluar telinga kiri dah."

Keluar kau 👂🏻💨

Pokoknye aku perlu rediscover myself. 

Aku suka kata-kata tunangku...yang aku dah overcome one setback ke arah nak jadi CEO.

Bosses yang dua ni mungkin boleh ketawakan aku - "HAHAHAHA ade hatiww nak jadi CEO. Kena cikit dah nanes."

Takpe. Tak kisah. Aku memang ada elemen muka tak malu aci taram. One day in shaa allah, aku akan dapat apa yang aku nak. In shaa allah, aku yakin!

Can we sing together again? Encore.

One night when I was driving home from class, never had I felt so tired in my freaking life.

So I called up my fiancé, to accompany me for the whole 40-minute+ journey. 

Radio sucks. If I let my thoughts running wild in the empty car space, they would zap me into slumber.

I was sooooo sleepy that I can close my eyes while my tires are still rolling on the road.

He answered my call.

I was mumbling things about how sleepy I am.

Then he started singing. Inviting me to sing along with him.

And out of all songs, several songs later, he suddenly chose to sing Ada Apa Dengan Cinta by Melly Goeslaw ft. Eric. 

Can he be sweeter than this?

:)

Thanks. One road accident was managed to be avoided that night :)

Conditional Love

Sunday, apart from Saturday, is the most waited day in a week.

Got Nona at 2, and back to back re-shown series at channel 104. This week's "Aku Bukan Bimbo." Love the story because it seems like it had really happen at one point of time, and the casting is really great. 

Then went to Pizza Hut, thought of using my RM2 coupon for a personal-sized pizza. Got back home, can't wait to eat. Ouui panas lagiiii cepat cepat nak makannn...but hey solat dulu!

Okay. Solat done. Water in the kettle is put on stove for a nice hot milk tea later. Washed my hands. Sat in front of the honorable pizza and pftttt....all four slices look like crap.

APE NIIII CHEESE TAKDEEEEE???!

Ration ke ape niiiii

Oh my God sapela kedekut masin niiii letak keju sejemput jeeee and the rest all I see is red! RED!

Euuhh. That's no food.

Won't eat it till I can remediate it with cheese and more cheese. God...

Cheese keping kat dalam fridge expired 2015. Great. Nak keluar for a packet of shredded cheese worth at least RM11-ish, not worth it. Plus gas...eughhhh totally not worth it.

Why Pizza Hut whyyy. Why are you downgrading pizza to that level? A very sinful act! Bertaubatlahhh Pizza Hutttt.

Is it because I ordered a personal size using a coupon so you think I don't know anything about pizza? You're SO WRONG.

I hatechu.

I'm gonna complain so baddddly!

Dah le lapo tahu lapoo dekat nak period lapoooo. Bukak kotak nampak a third-world-like pizza. C'mon...😡

Worse --> HAPPY.

So after falling into the same trap, finally, I moved my Facebook app to another less visited space on my smartphone. Thinking of deleting it permanently but then I will need WiFi to re-install in case there's something urgent online [that I need to see]. And to have WiFi, with a speed that permits installations and updates, is a faraway luxury.






Dear tough heart,


No one is comparable to you. 
You've overcome so many challenges successfully, despite your sometime-sad background. If the person who hold your jealousy were to be in your position, I bet, tough heart, she would've fallen. 

Damn who can get two degrees, active in a club awarded as the best, and dang landed on a heart of a guy who is not just nice, but is willing to do (and actually is doing) all that he can to provide the life that is similar to what you're having or better, all in the same year?

Just because you don't share pictures or success moments does not mean you don't have all that in your hands.


Grow up and out of it. They're kids. You were a kid when you were like them, weren't you? 

Live your life, one day at a time. Ignore people who make you feel worse. Like flies, they won't be around for long.





OKAYYY move on move onnn

So semester break is comin'!!!What should I dooooo???


Plan is:

1. To finish my writing
2. To find a publisher
3. To publish
4. To learn Japanese
5. To finish "Jerusalem" and start a new book
6. To work part time as a tuition class teacher
7. To have regular work out schedule (just for 1 month tough heart,...plish make it happen this time)
8. To relax and enjoy breathing


Okay tough heart, make sure you do this all ya!

Back to the now...where finals are just a few weeks away with an essay on Kuhn still incomplete...



 
 

Keep the private, private.

Sebelum.


One  fine day during my Thanksgiving one-week break, I was invited to a friend's friend house for my first ever American Thanksgiving dinner. It was in this hilly Indiana outskirt, very serene, very my kampung.

I remember seeing a green chicken egg for the first time. Talk about organic food. 

Surprisingly the family did not feel awkward with the presence of 3 Muslims girls. I mean, us, 'moslems' in a strong Christian family's house, aren't you supposed to be in an islamophobic state? Well I guess when you understand religion, you don't have to feel fear for anything but God.

Prior to going to that house, we were at her friend's house. Okay so her friend, is a guy with one wife and I think 5 kids. The house that we had our dinner was his parents' house. So it's like a traditional culture of coming back to kampung to celebrate their 'Raya.'

At his house, we were sat in his cozy living room, getting to know each other. Well, without a cuppa tea it was awkward...but things went well, the couple were friendly, talkative, and very open to sharing their thoughts on religion.

Now it's almost time for dinner, we gotta leave the house by car to his parents', where all family members will gather. Since one car wasn't enough, my friends and I had to choose to ride with the wifey - awkward, because although she is friendly, but her face was tired when we entered her house. It was as if we are an add-on burden to her. Of course, 5 kids, the burden to the in-laws, expectation for an important feast...that hassle of being a full-time mom and still gotta look like angel fresh from heaven...and now, 3 moslem girls? 

I was nervous at first in the car. But turned out she is friendly. So we talked and talked, and eventually she revealed her history. She was a top student at her college, graduated with a degree. I bet she perhaps was a summa holder. And she went on to talk about her marriage, starting with meeting her soon-husband on a friend-arranged meet up, riding his bike around town, sound like so much in love. And decide to 'settle down' and be a full-time mom.

I thought, what a waste. She could've been a CEO by now, having an empire of her own, a closet as huge as her house just for shoe racks, and all the Pradas, MKs, and Tag Heuers in the world. She looked like she's in her thirties.

I mentioned to her, when she asked about marriage, that I think marriage is the end to my freedom. I don't want, at least in the near future. Then she said something that have made me ponder till this day. Her words, two years ago, still new and fresh to my ears.

"Marriage is freedom."


HEHZ???





Selepas.


Hikhik can't wait. 




Semasa.




But really, for friends who got married lately, really you really need to promote your marriage life at public space? I mean I really don't mind if you get all high with your spouse at public, but not in public - Facebook, etc. 

 I know and truly understand you're happy, finally its halal for you to touch each other, hijab off, baby. 

But really? 

Some people might have been desperately trying to handle their goal towards a halal relationship. But because of religion and culture (and culture weighs the most, the culprit), these desperate, tortured souls have to hold back for a while.

I know someone who had to wait 12 freakin' years to get married with whom she believe truly her Mister Right. If I were her and not that strong, I would've two PhDs completed. Alhamdulillah she's amazing. And her husband too, for having to hold that manly lust for one girl when he can already got a grandson by then.

Opening Facebook is not to see any of your happy story. Well, of course, I'm happy you're happy. I am jubilant, in fact, because I know someone who at least live a life like another normal human being. I am exuberant to be a friend to yet another human. I am happy I am in the right society.

But really...all I wanted to see on my news feed is current news in my country and the rest of the world, interesting articles with eye-poppin' headlines from the Huff or Buzzfeed. And perhaps some quirky status from genius (read:weird) friends.

Ain't love supposed to be private, intense and intimate? If that is love than I need to find or create a word that represent so.

Some people perhaps have been trying for eons to get just one child. And there you just posted you fifteenth baby. It's sunnah to announce a birth, but proof is not necessary.


I may be sounding like a person with a dark hasad, jealous of everything. But I'm just another person looking at you from a side that you never saw maybe. I did upload several pictures of me in the States, but most of them just to share the beautiful sights. And I know perhaps someone did complain of my actions. But I think I did it moderately, but if I'm not, please tell me and help me to change.

Eventually, the 'unfollow' button is really helpful. Thank God and thank Zuckerberg.

It is of course a stupidity to satisfy everyone. But isn't a moderate step (to show off in public) is enough to live life to the fullest?



Back to selepas, actually, I do am looking forward to live with you.
  Marriage is not 'settling down'
  It's moving forward, faster even.