Wey susah nak kawin ni wei

Have you ever been in a situation where it is all dark all around you. It is as if you are closing your eyes but you are not. You cannot tell whether your are sleeping or awaken if not because of your eyelashes that keep the lids moveable.

So, so dark, and you are heading towards the end of the path. High walls all around you, you cannot climb, nor there is any door, any window. You want to get out, you keep walking but with no defined destination. You don't even know where are you actually heading. You keep on walking in the pitch-black situation, not knowing if there is a hole right in front, nor a trap, nor anything that can take your life away.

Sensation of drowning engulfing you. You feel lonely, hopeless, irritated, tired, anxious, uncertain. 

Ha inilah apa yang aku rasa sekarang. Nak kahwin, dengan orang yang aku sendiri pilih dan redha, famili pun nampak boleh terima, tapi entah kenapa, halangan datang dari sumber yang sama.

I would appreciate if there is no such question like bila nak kahwin. I don't have the answer, I don't know who have the answer. Am I not still trapped in the darkness? How is it possible the trapped to answer such question that requires freedom?

Tahniah for the race! 🎉🎉🎉

And the winner is...Mr. Tunang tahpape!

Congratulations!

Congatulations on the following offenses:

1. Racing with your fiancee and did not let her win;

2. Racing with your fiancee and mistreated her like your enemy;

3. Racing with your fiancee and disregard her safety - she almost crashed, thrice, but thanks to slowing down and the break;

4. Racing with your fiancee and left her behind so far like she is your ultimate enemy;

5. Racing with your fiancee and still pushed yourself to win on the very last minute;

6. Racing with your fiancee to her parents's house in her hometown and still did not let her win;

7. Racing with your fiancee and laughed at her upon your honorary winning moment;

8. Racing with your fiancee and did not notice how much it was offensive to not let her win;

9. Racing with your fiancee and after the race still so proud with your victory that you said "takpe lain kali A bagi A menang." Oh bagi menang? Oh please.

Congratulations!

So the prizes for this are (oh yes, prizeS):

1. A fiancee who no longer will treat you with respect, instead, with vengence.

2. A fiancee who will never forget about this until revenge is done.

3. A fiancee who has revenge towards you. The worst enemy you can get.

4. A fiancee who will treat you exactly like your enemy, just the way how your heart felt when you raced with her. Oh I know that "i am winning you are losing" feeling.

5. A fiancee who will be reluctant to talk to you, unless with hatred. Until she is satisfied. Even if you apologize and even if she sort of forgives you (note the IF there), there will still that spot in her heart that you have offended so badly. 

6. A fiancee who will doubt all your sweet talk. Huh, remember when you said you wanna take a good care of me? Well you did a great job that I almost killed myself. I may have misinterpreted that from you. Taking a good care of me must have meant that taking a good care of my body, which is, possible for you to do - take a good care of my corpse.

7. And last but not least, though this was not a gift unique and intended from me, a car dented, maybe not so bad but still dented. Which I want to make a public statement about this - PADAN MUKA.

Wowowowow congrats again! Horrayy you should celebrateee!

Tahniah for winning and losing at the same time. An achievement so rare, it's like winning a Noble Prize.

So proud of you.

Rindu II

Rindu.

Bila jumpa, seronok sangat. Sangat sangat. Tak tergambar. Prior to jumpa lagilah. Jantung laju, tersenyum sendiri tak sedar. Otak di bawah sedar, hanya fikir pasal dia. "Oh, nak jumpa," otak aku chant.

Bila depan mata. Tak nak lepas tengok wajah dia. Tak nak berkedip. Tak nak rugi walau sesaat. Rugi. Tuhan bagi mata untuk tengok keindahan kan?

Bila about to go. Feel so sad. So, so sad. So sad. But have to let go. Separate life, different responsibilities. Must let go.

Bila dah tak ada depan mata. Rindu. Sangat.
Dengan kekuatan yang sama dengan rindu inilah, aku gagahkan juga berhadapan dengan apa di depan mata, walau dia tak ada.

 

Jadual

Heh entah kenapa nak kena taip jadual kat sini.
Takpe, takde orang baca kot.
Harap takde.


OK so...hectic hectic. Nak masuk Jun dah jadi ...wargh.

Jun
2hb: Hm...
4hb: Kelas + cari tailor
5hb: Balik
Minggu-minggu seterusnya: Peperiksaan

*Dalam bulan ini mesti:
a) Bagi mak 1K untuk kemas rumah
b) Spend untuk baju
c) Beli tiket flight untuk honeymoon (RM3K per person, as for search done today in May)

Julai
Raya
Cari card designer (?)

Nak muntah. Semua ni aku tak boleh buat selagi satu je...satu je mulut ni....URGHHH.
Boleh buat satu je - duit 1K.


Pening.


Suddenly rasa nak buat satu kerja gila ni...

 

Countdown

Kelas Dr. Z: Research paper

Kelas Dr. Z2: Presentation

Kelas Dr. W: Individual & group essays, group presentation

Kelas Dr. S: Group essay

Kelas Prof H: Individual essay, presentation

So I have...5 papers, 3 presentations, 5 exams.

Noice.

I gotta pee.

Yet another rant on this.

Mula-mula dulu memang aku cemburu. OK, dengki.

Tapi lama-lama, tengok orang newlyweds ni post things and pics about their new marriage, just seems so...kesian.

Masih OK kalau kau post nak umumkan "aku nak nikah ni [gambar sign surat nikah]" atau post gambar dengan isteri/suami on the wedding date.

Tapi ni kalau dah berminggu berlalu, cerita kau kahwin dengan dia dah masuk arkib bhai...dah basi. Tak payahla hangatkan balik wall kau dan mencacatkan news feed aku dengan posts sebegitu.

Aku lagi SUKA kau post pasal dilema kau nak sambung PhD di Frankfurt atau California, mengenai next backpacking trip either ke Australia atau Korea. Nak beli Toyota atau Honda. Nak beli rumah kondo atau townhouse. Gambar kau baru dapat henpon baru, post mengenai kejayaan kau grad, post gambar kerja di syarikat paling tersohor di Malaysia.

Ini...gambar dengan isteri/suami kau? Itu je pencapaian kau? Kesian...only when you're married that you feel you achieved something. Or...finally achieved something in life.

C'mon bro, The Fat Duck dah pindah Australia dah, Luke Nguyen dah travel entah ke mana. Janet Hsieh tak kecoh langsung dapat suami hensem gila. Oh talk about her. I am amazed by her love story. Dia pernah hampir nak kahwin pada umur 26 tahun but shoot happened. She did not get married until she's 36. Wedding dia grand, akad dibuat di benua Antartik. Suami dia...every girl's dream. Imagine that 10 years she's been quite solo, I bet her heart did ache sometimes. Sometimes, when watching her friends getting married, she needs to be happy, right? Tapi dia sabar dan in the end, a perfect marriage. She has it all.

 Hm...

Just use your social media platform wisely. If you're really happy with your life then why bother showing it to everyone? Are you wishing to convince yourself that you're happy? Kenapa tak senyum depan cermin je? Lagi murah. Ini tak, kena guna that kilobyte, megabyte you paid just to reconvince yourself that you're in an earthly heaven. Are you actually okay in the head?


 






  

Bertunang dengan 25% Rangga

Pertama-tama nak ucapkan syukur alhamdulillah diberi kesempatan hari Ahad yang berbahagia ini untuk menonton Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2.

Alhamdulillah.

Segala onak duri ranjau untuk menonton filem ni berjaya aku atasi. Ini tontonan kedua selepas yang pertama diganggu oleh masa yang cemburu.

Overall, satisfied. That's the perfect ending. :)

A little bit disgusted apsal perempuan je yang perlu make the huge move. I mean, Cinta purposely went to New York with one intention, but Rangga went to Jogja to meet his mom, and Cinta was just an add-on. 

Tapi tak kisahlah, bukan cerita hidup aku haha. 

Bila tonton cerita ni pastilah teringat tentang yang dulu. Kenapa ek, kebanyakan first love di dunia ni bermula dengan lelaki yang tak boleh harap tak boleh jamin kehidupan stabil, dan yang datang kemudian itulah yang berwang, yang paling ideal, setuju bernikah bukan atas dasar sayang tapi sebab mahu setia mahu komited.

Kenapa kebanyakan perempuan, termasuk aku, jatuh minat pada karakter Rangga? Selain tampan, tinggi dan fizikal yang sedap mata memandang, Rangga ni...lelaki sejati. Yes perbuatan tinggalkan awek sikit punya cun tu dah menunjukkan dia lelaki tahpape tapi maksud lelaki sejati dalam konteks tulisan aku ni adalah Rangga tak terus reply, dia diam dan proses, lepas proses yang rumit di minda tu baru dia keluarkan kata-kata yang indah. Rangga ni simple je, cakap tak banyak tapi hati Cinta yang dah 9 tahun dizalimi tu senang-senang je maafkan dalam masa yang singkat. Just days.

Dan bila dikaitkan semula dengan hidup aku, ye aku tak ada Rangga dalam hidup aku. Why should I? Aku dah bertunang dengan orang yang cukup lengkap segala-galanya. Dia, walaupun perit nak mengaku dia bukan yang pertama, tapi dia hormati aku, dia tinggikan aku. Segala benda remeh aku penting bagi dia. 

Aku pernah tercrush kat dia dulu. Tapi heck I thought it was just a crush. Move on.

Tak sangka hari ini dah 7 bulan menyarung cincin pemberian dia. God nak dekat setahun.

He's not the character Rangga for most of the part - he does not write poems. But heck, he is the poem itself. And I, his avid reader.