Saturday, 12 December 2015

Worse --> HAPPY.

So after falling into the same trap, finally, I moved my Facebook app to another less visited space on my smartphone. Thinking of deleting it permanently but then I will need WiFi to re-install in case there's something urgent online [that I need to see]. And to have WiFi, with a speed that permits installations and updates, is a faraway luxury.

Dear tough heart,

No one is comparable to you. 
You've overcome so many challenges successfully, despite your sometime-sad background. If the person who hold your jealousy were to be in your position, I bet, tough heart, she would've fallen. 

Damn who can get two degrees, active in a club awarded as the best, and dang landed on a heart of a guy who is not just nice, but is willing to do (and actually is doing) all that he can to provide the life that is similar to what you're having or better, all in the same year?

Just because you don't share pictures or success moments does not mean you don't have all that in your hands.

Grow up and out of it. They're kids. You were a kid when you were like them, weren't you? 

Live your life, one day at a time. Ignore people who make you feel worse. Like flies, they won't be around for long.

OKAYYY move on move onnn

So semester break is comin'!!!What should I dooooo???

Plan is:

1. To finish my writing
2. To find a publisher
3. To publish
4. To learn Japanese
5. To finish "Jerusalem" and start a new book
6. To work part time as a tuition class teacher
7. To have regular work out schedule (just for 1 month tough heart,...plish make it happen this time)
8. To relax and enjoy breathing

Okay tough heart, make sure you do this all ya!

Back to the now...where finals are just a few weeks away with an essay on Kuhn still incomplete...


Friday, 11 December 2015

Keep the private, private.


One  fine day during my Thanksgiving one-week break, I was invited to a friend's friend house for my first ever American Thanksgiving dinner. It was in this hilly Indiana outskirt, very serene, very my kampung.

I remember seeing a green chicken egg for the first time. Talk about organic food. 

Surprisingly the family did not feel awkward with the presence of 3 Muslims girls. I mean, us, 'moslems' in a strong Christian family's house, aren't you supposed to be in an islamophobic state? Well I guess when you understand religion, you don't have to feel fear for anything but God.

Prior to going to that house, we were at her friend's house. Okay so her friend, is a guy with one wife and I think 5 kids. The house that we had our dinner was his parents' house. So it's like a traditional culture of coming back to kampung to celebrate their 'Raya.'

At his house, we were sat in his cozy living room, getting to know each other. Well, without a cuppa tea it was awkward...but things went well, the couple were friendly, talkative, and very open to sharing their thoughts on religion.

Now it's almost time for dinner, we gotta leave the house by car to his parents', where all family members will gather. Since one car wasn't enough, my friends and I had to choose to ride with the wifey - awkward, because although she is friendly, but her face was tired when we entered her house. It was as if we are an add-on burden to her. Of course, 5 kids, the burden to the in-laws, expectation for an important feast...that hassle of being a full-time mom and still gotta look like angel fresh from heaven...and now, 3 moslem girls? 

I was nervous at first in the car. But turned out she is friendly. So we talked and talked, and eventually she revealed her history. She was a top student at her college, graduated with a degree. I bet she perhaps was a summa holder. And she went on to talk about her marriage, starting with meeting her soon-husband on a friend-arranged meet up, riding his bike around town, sound like so much in love. And decide to 'settle down' and be a full-time mom.

I thought, what a waste. She could've been a CEO by now, having an empire of her own, a closet as huge as her house just for shoe racks, and all the Pradas, MKs, and Tag Heuers in the world. She looked like she's in her thirties.

I mentioned to her, when she asked about marriage, that I think marriage is the end to my freedom. I don't want, at least in the near future. Then she said something that have made me ponder till this day. Her words, two years ago, still new and fresh to my ears.

"Marriage is freedom."



Hikhik can't wait. 


But really, for friends who got married lately, really you really need to promote your marriage life at public space? I mean I really don't mind if you get all high with your spouse at public, but not in public - Facebook, etc. 

 I know and truly understand you're happy, finally its halal for you to touch each other, hijab off, baby. 

But really? 

Some people might have been desperately trying to handle their goal towards a halal relationship. But because of religion and culture (and culture weighs the most, the culprit), these desperate, tortured souls have to hold back for a while.

I know someone who had to wait 12 freakin' years to get married with whom she believe truly her Mister Right. If I were her and not that strong, I would've two PhDs completed. Alhamdulillah she's amazing. And her husband too, for having to hold that manly lust for one girl when he can already got a grandson by then.

Opening Facebook is not to see any of your happy story. Well, of course, I'm happy you're happy. I am jubilant, in fact, because I know someone who at least live a life like another normal human being. I am exuberant to be a friend to yet another human. I am happy I am in the right society.

But really...all I wanted to see on my news feed is current news in my country and the rest of the world, interesting articles with eye-poppin' headlines from the Huff or Buzzfeed. And perhaps some quirky status from genius (read:weird) friends.

Ain't love supposed to be private, intense and intimate? If that is love than I need to find or create a word that represent so.

Some people perhaps have been trying for eons to get just one child. And there you just posted you fifteenth baby. It's sunnah to announce a birth, but proof is not necessary.

I may be sounding like a person with a dark hasad, jealous of everything. But I'm just another person looking at you from a side that you never saw maybe. I did upload several pictures of me in the States, but most of them just to share the beautiful sights. And I know perhaps someone did complain of my actions. But I think I did it moderately, but if I'm not, please tell me and help me to change.

Eventually, the 'unfollow' button is really helpful. Thank God and thank Zuckerberg.

It is of course a stupidity to satisfy everyone. But isn't a moderate step (to show off in public) is enough to live life to the fullest?

Back to selepas, actually, I do am looking forward to live with you.
  Marriage is not 'settling down'
  It's moving forward, faster even.