Define: Wallow

In the current modern culture where free mixing of men and women have led to cross-sex friendship, wallow is a part of it. A subculture. In fact, intermixing is rather a new, shocking human-to-human interaction, thank you to PSY 250 course at UB which made me to write a paper that explains the scientifically-proven logic that men and women cannot be mutual, platonic friends, never in the past, not even in the now, and will not be in the near infinite future.

Define wallow. An act to overcome the heartache after the heart was crushed by an idiot.

The freedom in determining to whom we can speak freely with today has led to unnecessary communication which may be processed by the opposite-gender conversation partner as a flirtation act towards matrimony. Well, in most cases the female would think like that being that they are created to have such a soft heart and a tendency to submit to males due to their several attributes which are taken as an advantage by this homosapien sub-species over their counter sub-group.

This freedom has made many hearts to grow with hopes. But then found wounded in the center of a dark alley with all other trashes, visible to you from afar is a crowd of maggots, eating away that piece of junk, used to be shone so proudly with cheap words (or actions) from a walking corpse termed "lover".

Welp, be careful dear.
Wallow is a part of this novel culture. If you haven't gotten there, just be prepared. Alas, stay away.


Check this out: http://bleske-rechek.com/April%20Website%20Files/Bleske-Rechek%20et%20al.%202012%20Benefit%20or%20Burden.pdf

Thanks to the researchers. You've done justice to balance between scientific logic and human congenital intuition that many seems to have been denying of having one.


Anyways, wallow. Yes.

If I may recall my first time ever wallowing, it was due to a tragic event of a desired being dumped like it was the printer cover paper that you usually don't use unless it is for note-taking or to write your formula and whatnot before an open-book test.



The first time. was a denial. didn't cry. wanted to. but can't.



On top of that major emotional event which was somewhat burdensome,
I had other technical aspects of life going on - volunteer work, exams, planning for the summer session, internship application, missing my mom.



I turned on my laptop (deceased) that morning, clicked on Excel, resumed my work on arranging rooms and namelist for an upcoming event at the embassy.

I placed the laptop on my bed. I was in my best, most comfortable weekend-morning uniform, I was a satiate champ thanks to a great breakfast. The day was splendid, the sun was like a king that morning, its army of light illuminated the whole world of my backyard and my room.

I started checking the namelist, scrolling with my cursor. Typing things but my mind was not focusing. As if my fingers had their own brain.

That was when it came out.
Slow.
On my cheeks.

God that hurt.






---


So the take-home message is, don't deny. Just let whatever hurt you, to do its job. Afterall, pain demands to be felt (The Fault in Our Stars). The more denial comes in, the deeper you're going to drown in your misery. Just let the tears out, don't hold back.

Of course, I wish,
I can turn back time.
Undid what I've done.
If I can meet up with that 2011 me, I would warn her, no, don't go, don't start, don't even open the door.
But what can I do? The Narrator always plans the best now aren't you now here with me?

It's a part of being human, and are we not the consequence of one another?



---



Sigh.
Sometimes I am ashamed of myself, what kind of Muslim am I?
But come again, think.
I'm still a human though. But to embrace Islam doesn't mean I am an angel. It just means I am choosing a better way of handling my humanly corruptions. That I accept my errs are infinite, but it doesn't mean I can't change and be closer to being a saint.



---

Sorry that I mentioned about him many times. I just want you to understand.
Sorry for making you confused, because well, all females are confusing. We always think you men are illogical. Our logic is the logic.
Sorry for not knowing you were there.
Sorry for

Just sorry.




*am throwing away everything that can remind me of     , one last piece is still in Malaysia. Please forgive me. Wasn't fair for the injured to create another injury.

she went crazy.

So there's this girl who has this multipolar personality that she doesn't know what she wants. She's so confusing, not only to anyone who knows her by name, but also to herself.

She wants that but she's too shy.
Since when she becomes a shy person only God knows that when and why (rolling eyes).

She had a strong fort
Now crumble bit by bit.
She tried to fix it
But no brick could fit.

After one hollow event
She tried to laugh and smile
She watched Netflix for awhile
Though nothing seems to change
She keeps on sighing and spinning
Her head won't stop cracking.

That girl wants what every girl wants
A house of dolls, pink and peachy
All groom to well
Like a heaven on earth

It may seem she's all lady-like and Victorian
But maybe she's not revealing
That she's a feminist too
All too proud for a touch of a man
Nothing can stop her,
Not giving anything any chance

Be it a lion
A storm
or that dragon from Shrek

She's all she is
A strong heart of steel.

But hush
Don't tell anyone
That her weak spot is one
And you know.
I know you know.
Because maybe it's you,
the missing piece of brick.

Kuot: Sollah

"You want to pray?"

Aku memandang mak cik berkulit gelap, berhoodie kelabu itu. Rasanya adalah dalam 34 milisaat aku pandang matanya tanpa sebarang pergerakan, walaupun pernafasan. Tibbah muncul dari sebalik rak buku tingkat 1M Heath Sciences Library, UB South Campus, mahu aku tak terkejot.

---


"Okay, by 2 o'clock I gotta go," aku kata kat diri sendiri. Aku tumpukan semula perhatian aku ke kertas soalan exang terakhir Biomolecular Techniques & Diagnostics, dang. Subjek yang paling aku serami in my entirety of being. Ok bukan nak sound berlagak tapi...why peeps keep sayin' orgo is hard? They haven't gotten to this part of life just yet. Stop complaining and wait till you get here. For me, this is one of the most difficult parts, for others...might not. Aku ranting melalut. Kembali kepada cerita pokok.

Jam digital di skrin dah 1:59. Aku harus, wajib keluar awal, sebelum exang tamat jam 2:45. Sebab? Asar masuk jam ~2:20, aku belum Zohor sebab exang started before Zohor. Jamak? I opted not to.

2:00

Far, you're hopeless.

Aku masih di section MCQ, filling in the MCQ sheet cuz earlier I marked on the test paper instead. Another way of me double checking my answers. 

2:09

 Shoot. Okay it's time. Tawakkal jela. Bukan tak habis jawab, tapi aku lagi suka kalau aku dapat stay dalam dewan exang tu sampai habis waktu, making sure that I've done what I supposed to do. Making sure things perfect, that if there's any fault, the blame will be solely on me. No one but me.

Tapi solat tetap solat boi. Rasa tak sedap hati makin makan. Aku terus hantar kertas exang, berlari keluar dewan. Dapat rasakan semua orang dalam dewan tu tengok aku lari, sebab aku buka pintu punyala bergema. Huhu.

Aku pun lari punya lari ke perpustakaan, kat situ dah jadi salah spot aku, level 2M. Dalam pada aku lari-lari gaya cam tak cukup tanah, boleh pulak kaki kanan aku tergeliat. Adeh. Facepalm. Untuk menjatuhkan saat macho aku cover tergelecek aku tu, leh pulak ada mamat omputeh gaya cam encem dalam satu kereta ni tengok aksi aku, dan pastilah aku terpandang dia eye-to-eye. Adoiii.

OK takpe kita tinggalkan saat memalukan itu dan fokus kepada hajat nan satu: solat.


-We skip this part of the story time line (me performing wudu')-


Usai semua pre-salah prep - macam tak caya aku dapat selesaikan semua in less than 10 minutes -, aku pun terus naik tangga ke tingkat 1M. Rasanya nak ke pot aku tu macam tak sesuai, iyelah, minggu final, mesti semua cubicle penuh.


Aku pun jalan macam ribut, from one aisle to another, looking for a secluded spot. Aisle 1, nope, 2, nope, 3...er...okay...4? Nope. Okay 3. Saat aku kibas-kibas kain batik untuk dibuat sejadah, tibbah sangat ada this really sporty-looking woman, yang aku tak expect langsung dia ni Muslim (sebab tudung-less), approached me and asked if I want to pray. She offered me her prayer mat (of course I refused out of being courteous, because I already had mine out), and showed me the qiblah (needless to say I doubted the qiblah she pointed for me at first, but out of me losing my own sense of direction at a new place where I'm not sure where I was located, I trusted her. And Allah knows best, in shaa allah khair). Usai solatul Zohor, aku tunggu Asar. Solat Asar, dan from the corner of my eye, I noticed her greenish turquoise prayer mat, and heard her reciting slowly, the recitation for salah.

Wallahi rasa sangat terharu saat itu. Macam mana, out of nowhere, tibbah ada orang Muslim, who pointed for me the qiblah and offered me a prayer mat? Wth. Alhamdulillah.

Selesai study sikit untuk exang seterusnya, aku melangkah ke rak buku belakang aku, perempuan itu sedang duduk dengan laptop dan buku dan kertas. Study jugak barangkali. I said my thanks, and hope she got it good in whatever she was doing. Before I walked away, she said salam. Lagi sekali aku terkesan. Aku yang pakai tudung ni tak beri dia salam pun, dengan anggapan yang mak cik ni jenis mak cik Hard Rock Cafe, jenis Muslim yang biasa-biasa je janji solat. Ha inilah manusia. Inilah aku. Perasan baik.

Jadi aku jawab salamnya dengan senyuman paling bling-bling. Berlalu pergi melangkah ke exang makmal Biomolecular jam 3:30 petang itu.

Hmm. Banyak yang perlu diubah, perlu belajar semula, perlu dipelajari.





 

I need ... More acetaminophen.

So I've found these to be very punny (funny)

I held that piece for quite a time and the popcorn bag still wouldn't open itself.hahhaa.

And uh this this...

Cis factor

...it means a DNA sequence that marks places on DNA involved in the initiation and control of RNA synthesis. 

Hahahah cis kau cissss.

yeah I'm losing it. Lame Far, lame. But still hahahha.

Kekhilafan dimaafkan.

Third's a charm. Let it be the final second.

So please focus on your exams.

You and I both have much to do for our future.

Happy finals.

Stay away from temptations. 

I can be one of them.

Sincerely yours.

Ingatan capaian rawak dari cpu seorang diri

Pada

piksel-piksel kecil itu

terbina kata

yang menggunung menjadi

harapan

Pada 

butir-butir hitam itu

ada hasrat yang menyulam

menawarkan sesuatu yang besar

menawarkan hati.

Pada kata-kata dia yang aku percayai

Ikatlah hati ini dengan kata-katamu

Sesungguhnya manusia itu disanjung dan tersanjung dengan kata-kata,

Ingatkah pada ucapan pertama bapa kita?

Dan dengan kata-kata juga bakal memberatkan timbanganmu di hadapan Tuhan

menjadi ukuran

apakah selayaknya kamu manusia.

Jadi sayang

kusanjung ikhlas 

piksel-piksel hitam itu

yang dikau tenun halus dengan jejarimu

yang lalu terbina menjadi satu harapan.

Dan dengan piksel-piksel kecil ini juga

aku sedia membalas 

kata-kata hatimu.

(jangan nak perasan)

and he died.

Nope, perhaps this person is still alive, God knows.

إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ

"Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return"

Thank you my Black Prince, for serving me like a queen, since December 2011. Till we meet again in Firdaus, God will.

Or because she just lost her laptop that has important stuff in it three weeks before the semester ends.

  ‎

rindu :)

Warning: post ini berbaur personal dan sangat jiwang. jiwang yang menggelikan. tiada unsur ibrah, ta'alim mahupun tarbiyyah di sini.



Susah untuk aku develop perasaan.
Perasaan-less.

Bila nenek maternal aku meninggal, beberapa bulan lepas tu baru aku terasa.
Bila atok paternal aku meninggal, sampai hari ni aku tak rasa apa-apa.
When he came, after he left I knew I couldn't accept it (which now the plot-twist has taken its role. No more in heart, no more in mind. He came just to create a story in my life, and it has ended)
Bila buruk sangka hampir jadi realiti, baru aku tahu tanpa dia aku lebih distracted. Tak sedar selama ini.



After 2 years, I just believed this is true:

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

I just learned the true meaning behind those words.

Aih, setelah 2 tahun, baru aku tahu erti rindu.

Aku rindu

rutin harian pasca-SPM. 

bangun subuh, lepas solat lepak jap atas sejadah.

Pergi bangunkan mak aku (sebab mak aku ni jenis tak duduk diam pastu penat, dah penat tu tidur pun terlajak. Ayah aku biasanya lepas subuh dia akan keluar)

Sementara tunggu matahari naik, either aku tertidur depan tibi atau duduk depan laptop, buat segala kejadah possible i.e. blog hopping, blogging, surf surf and surf or chat.

Bila dah cerah, aku pergi sapu sampah. 

Lepas sapu sampah, pergi berbasikal di route favorite aku.

Kalau rajin, pergi downtown, beli 10,15 keping roti canai.

Pulang, makan macam orang kebulur seminggu (bukan mak aku tak buat/tak suruh aku breakfast, aku just belum lapar lagi)

Usai makan, tidur. 

Kemudian petang hingga malam, tibi tibi tibi dan tibi lagi. Kalau rajin, baca novel.

Esoknya, kembali bangun subuh.

Aku rindu

rasa bebas 

naik basikal keliling kampung

kena kejar dengan geng angsa

rindu sembang dengan Mak Mah dan Pah Cik

rindu dengar ayam Tok Ba.

Aku rindu

geng "tunggu bapak ambik" 

sementara tunggu, memekik melalak, karaoke lagu-lagu bersama

Aku rindu.

Okay lagu ni terlebih jiwang. Kenala ada puisi. Rosak...
And yeah, not absence that makes my heart to grow fonder. C'mon we're in the age of social media. "Absence" doesn't apply much in this era.

Tweet tweet chip chip

Okay...this is not good.
I'm supposed to study for Biomolecular exam. BIOMOLECULAR.

2 kredit je tapi macam haremmm.


Anyways.


So I received an invitation from quite an important person, to join Twitter.

Re-join.




Honestly, no big deal. Twitter, another social media.
Before this, I deleted that account. I refused 'cuz oh well...I disliked to be associated. And because there's already too much to munch from Facebook.

No biggie, really. I can have a Twitter, being that my current position and the world that I need myself to be exposed to.

Just that when I received that email, it makes me remember the event that brought me to delete my Twitter account that instant. That night. Haha.




How time passes. And how heart can change.

.

Boi,

Manusia takkan berdoa,
andai tiada perkara
untuk diharap.

Untuk apa berdoa
untuk hal yang sudah diketahui
tiada kesudahan?

Penat.

Terhapus masa,
waktu
memakan usia
sia-sia.










Ah, mungkin ada
kesudahannya.

Tapi kalau buruk di akhirnya,
untuk apa berdoa?

Berdoa supaya Tuhan menukarnya menjadi
satu kebaikan?

Tidak, tidak.
Dunia tempat hati-hati dicalar.
Dihancur,
dihempas.

Jadi
apa perlu berdoa boi?


Jika itu bayaran untuk ke syurga
ya, tidak mengapa

Tidak perlu berdoa untuk satu penghujung
Biar kecewa
Kerna Tuhan akan mengubati hati itu
biar Dia yang mengubati.
Di syurga nanti.





Aku menyesal
dan pernah menyesal.
Aku mahu hentikan sesalan.

Kalau kau berharap menjadi sesalan itu
ku pohon,
nyah kau dari hidup aku.

Orang Atas.

It's echoing in my head.

"You really don't get it, don't you?"


Bodoh.


Don't you know how insecure I feel?
Seems like you know all of my secrets.


I'm opening it for you but I'm afraid you gonna waste it.
Just like what he did.



Besides,
Who, having the straight mind hopefully, would decline you?



You know,
I wish I can listen to that soothing Adhan caller,
for the rest of my life.

Kuot: Dang

"Dia tak give a damn"

Sambil memandang ke arah aku. Yang lain dah menjerit, ada yang tutup muka dengan bantal pony. Dah la duduk agak dekat, kot ye pun tak payahlah tengok lama-lama, semata-mata nak tengok reaksi wajah aku. Aku? Pastilah maintain macho, aku pandang je skrin televisyen nipis itu, cerita hantu sedang dimainkan daripada akaun Netflix aku. Yang cakap itu pun maintain macho jugak, mungkin sebab dia senior jadi ah, boi, perlulah jaga status itu! Mana boleh kecut depan junior boi!

Sebenarnya...kalau ada mahram kat sebelah aku, lama dah aku peluk. Ini tak. Aku hanya ada dua kaki aku je, lutut je aku dapat peluk. Huhu. Bantal, hapah, tada.

Tapi aku memang takda mood nak takut waktu tu. So aku maintain macho jela. 

Kata-kata lelaki daripada batch ATU16 itu berbunyi agak kasar, pada telinga marhaen. Tapi aku ok mendengarnya. Malah tiap kali aku dah tahap malas nak layan karenah orang-orang di sekeliling aku yang kadang kala memang menyengalkan (dan aku ada tahap kesabaran yang agak tinggi, cepat bengang, tapi lambat marah. Ada beza tu haha), aku akan ulang semula kata-katanya dalam hati. Mungkin dia pernah mengalami situasi yang sama, mungkin berulang kali, mungkin lebih teruk. Lalu phrase tu menjadi phrase epic, yang aku adore. 

Lately aku dapat rasakan aku ada negative mood, rasa nak marah je. Aku tak nak salahkan hormon, sikit-sikit hormon. Apa manusia, perempuan, tak boleh nak marah based on logical reasons?

The anger was an accumulated series of angers. Was, sebab lepas aku berbual dengan Tuhan petang Jumaat selepas Asar, dan sekali lagi sebelum tidur, aku rasa bahagia dan happy hari ini. Mungkin Tuhan menjahit luka-luka hati sewaktu aku tidur. Ah, Maha Penyayang. :)

Maka betullah kata-kata Mark Twain,

 

Since aku tak membela anjing,

the more I love my birdhouse.

Kuot: Izlamik

"Tak nak jadi islamic sangat"

Aku terkesima. Terdiam. Dalam diri aku, hati memberontak mendengar kata-katanya.
Kejadah, kau sedar tak kau cakap apa ni?

Tapi aku terus diam. Aku tetapkan pandanganku ke hadapan sahaja. Menghadap pemandangan yang polos, yang kukira lebih enak daripada kata-katanya.

Kenapa. Kau Muslim. Kau tidak bersyukurkah memiliki agama yang paling dekat cara hidupnya dengan Tuhan? Di mana kepercayaanmu? Apa telah terjadi?

Atau soalanku yang salah. Apakah ada terma "terlalu islamic", "kurang islamic", "tidak islamic"?  Apa bukan semua yang Islam itu islamic? Terus laluan hidup kita selaku Muslim seharusnya mencerminkan kebenaran agama kita, kebenaran deen kita.

Aku akui aku pernah berada di tempatnya dahulu. Waktu muda-mudi remaja. Berfikir bahawa agama hanyalah sekadar cara grouping manusia. Aku malah pernah terfikir, kalau-kalau aku ini boleh beragama samawi yang lain. Agamaku rumit. Solat 5 waktu itu dahulunya payah. Ruhi aku pernah rebel, menolak, hati mahu dunia. Bebas berlari sambil rambut dikibas-kibas angin. Ingin sekali ku dedahkan ketiakku saat panas menggigit. Apatah lagi, selaku perempuan, ingin juga memakai skirt pendek atau shorts di khalayak. Yes, itu fitrah kawan. Fitrah perempuan, mahu dilihat cantik dan indah, walaupun hakikatnya, ada yang dilahirkan dengan takdir, wajah biasa-biasa sahaja.

Aku tidak pernah lontarkan kekeliruan agama kepada sesiapa. Taboo topic. Boleh dihukum murtad oleh manusia. Tapi alhamdulillah, hidayah datang, lalu aku sambut hidayah itu untuk masuk ke dalam hati (naa hidayah datang dalam pelbagai bentuk, datang selalu malah. Contoh kes - Tipulah kalau ada si fulan ni (sesiapalah si fulan tu, tiada nama spesifik) tak pakai tudung dengan alasan tak dapat hidayah lagi. Cuba koreksi hati. Tak pernah terlintas walau sesaat untuk mempersoalkan tentang jilbab? Lalu pintasan itu dibiarkan sahaja. Pintasan itu hidayah boi. Tambah lagi kalau dikelilingi wanita-wanita berjilbab. Facepalm. Masakan Tuhan tidak pernah sekalipun memakbulkan doa ihdinas sirotul mustaqim yang kau ucap hampir setiap hari itu). Hidayah untuk aku fahami agamaku. Bukan secara paksaan, bukan kerna mahu mengikut-ikut norma masyarakat sekelilingku. Sebab aku sendiri, secara sedar, telah memilih islam kembali.

Tapi ya pastilah along the way aku ada juga terjatuh, tapi bangun baliklah.


Pokoknya di sini,
Aku hanya terkejut mengapa sampai ada pemikiran yang sebegitu. Ya yang berbicara quote itu masih muda. Mungkin dari segi ruhinya, dia belum matang lagi. Mahu sahaja kulontarkan soalan radikal..."Kepale hotak kau, tak nak masuk syurga ke? Dush dush (sound effect kena penampar 2 das)" haha. Bapak kasar. Tapi soalan itu kukira seperti awakening moment untuk aku. Untuk aku koreksi semula diri aku. Adakah aku islam?

Dan aku? Aku hanya menjadi aku. Aku tetap memandang ke hadapan, melihat bangunan dan pemandangan yang membosankan di downtown Buffalo. Mempersembahkan islam yang aku kenal ini, seadanya.

Apa Terjadi di Colorado

Awal cuti musim panas 2014, aku pergi ke Denver, Colorado untuk bercuti musim panas. Duh.



Semester spring 2014 aku ambil 16 credit hours, agak banyak, 5 kelas kalau tak silap. Tapi alhamdulillah ringan jugalah subjek-subjek aku tu. Doable, scoreable. Memandangkan aku seorang je dalam KULN yang agak free (aku rasala), aku pun terimalah tawaran Ustaz H kalau aku nak jadi PD untuk kursus pra-perkahwinan. Memang hampir semua kerja-kerja yang sepatutnya dibuat secara berkumpulan, aku yang buat seorang. Terima kasih kepada Google for making everything possible nowadays, Google form yang memudahkan kerja pengumpulan data, dan yang memudahkan urusan untuk aku kongsi maklumat peserta dengan pihak penganjur. Okay dah macam blog post iklan Google pulak...

Pokoknya aku sibuk jugala dekat-dekat nak akhir semester. Tambah pula dengan masalah peribadi yang aku kira entah apa-apa tapi terjadi juga sebab certain things just can't wait. Maka kesimpulannya aku memang tak cukup tanah nak lari, tak cukup oxygen untuk bernafas dan tak cukup otak untuk berfikir dan agih kerja. Kenapa otak ada 2 hemisfera? Tak bolehke 3 ke, 4 ke ...huhu.


Usai kursus pra-perkahwinan tu, which ended tip top thanks to Mr. President KULN yang sanggup naik D.C., and to friends from Iowa, aku terus bertolak ke Denver esok harinya, pagi-pagi naik flight. Sebelum tu, sementara di D.C., aku melawat rumah sponsor aku. Melawat ada makna sebenarnya. Disebabkan maksud ziarah aku dikompromi, on the way nak pulang ke Buffalo (aku ambil flight dari Buffalo > Boston > Denver), aku demam. Dah lama aku tak demam, mungkin sebab malam lawatan itu hujan, lepas tu aku minum Nescafe panas. Tapi aku rasa musabab utama adalah sebab hati aku hancur waktu itu. Nak tahu serba-serbi cerita, scroll bawah bawah. Adala aku taip beberapa log yang berkaitan dengan hal ni. Untuk pengajaran bersama semata-mata.

Pokoknya...kembali kepada yang pokok:

Oh pokok...

Aku sampai ke Colorado, ke CSM (Colorado School of Mines) untuk lebih tepat, dalam keadaan masih demam. Dan sepanjang seminggu aku di sana, tiap-tiap pagi aku bangun bukan terkejut alarm, tapi sebab sakit tekak, hidung berhingus. Aku hembus hingus, keluar darah. Merah membara semangat waja pulak tu. Aku pun mulala fikir ho aku ada terminal illness, macam drama bersiri Korea gitu. Nanti kalau aku mati mesti orang yang hancurkan hati aku tu menyesal pastu dia berlari-lari dalam hujan sambil menangis. What the heck.

 Apa-apa pun ketidakupayaan badan aku tu telah mengganggu serba sedikit my escapism to the Midwest. Aku sempat pergi satu national park je: Roxborough State Park.

Ni je aku kasi tengok. Nak gambar lain, cari di Facebook :p

Oh ya apa terjadi di Colorado?


Setelah melihat keindahan alam ciptaan Tuhan di Roxborough, mestila aku nak tengok lagi dan lagi, di tempat lain pulak. Jadi adala kawan aku ni cadangkan aku pergi the Garden of the Gods. Aku Google, macam best. Okay set, book Zipcar di downtown Denver. Esoknya, aku bertolak ke Denver dengan kawan aku untuk lunch, lepas tu dia ditch aku (okay bukanlah ditch ditch, dia pergi kerja sebenarnya), maka aku pun merendek sekejap sebelum ambil Zipcar aku, lalu bertolak ke Colorado Springs, tempat state park berkenaan. Jauh jugak, satu jam lebih. But not a sweat cuz I love driving. Apatah lagi memandu di Colorado....fuh heaven babe, heaven! Cantik sungguh pemandangan sepanjang lebuh raya. Macam di Munich.

Tiba-tiba, sedang aku memandu dengan syiok, signal radio terganggu, ada bunyi buzzing gitu. Aku malas nak tukar stesen so aku layan jela buzzing tu. Tiba-tiba keluar suara dj ala-ala suara orang zaman 60-an. Bunyi suara macam serius je. Serau aku dalam kereta sorang-sorang. Lagi menyeraukan bila dj tu bagi amaran akan ada tornado. Holamangai.


Kat depan aku memang ada kilat kilat dah tadi tapi aku macam ignore je la. Manalah tahu kot-kot ibarat mendengar guruh di langit, air di tempayan dicurahkan. Eh.


Tiba-tiba, buzzing kali kedua. Dj bagi amaran yang sama. Dah 2x dj tu mention jugak tempat-tempat yang akan kena tornado ni tapi aku manala nak ambik pusing kat mana, aku sendiri pun tak tahu aku tengah drive di mana. Ke mana aku tahula. So I was thinking, Far, there is a fine line between being brave and being stupidly brave. Make a u-turn and go back to Denver. And so, I did. Pfft.

Jalan aku u-turn. In the middle of nowhere, CO.

 Alhamdulillah selamat sampai kembali ke downtown Denver. Yang buat bengkek tu...sampai downtown, hari cerah balik. Grrr. So please don't put your total trust on weather forcast. Trust your gut. Even though sometimes it can tell you stupid things. Or how about this, have 0.5 forecast and 0.5 gut, yeah, that sounds more acceptable.


Jadi esok pagi aku wanna try my luck again. Aku nak book Zipcar lagi sekali, nak pergi jugak Garden of the Gods. Tengah aku duk Google, tiba-tiba dapat satu panggila daripada nombor Rochester. Heh, apakah? Tak kenal pulak nombor tu. "I think you've left your purse in the car". Adoi Far...aku tertinggal dompet aku dalam kereta Zipcar yang aku sewa semalam. Dan boleh pulak aku tenang, tak sedar apa-apa. Mungkin korang pening, kalau dompet aku dalam kereta, macam mana aku survived pulang balik ke rumah kawan aku yang aku tumpang, daripada downtown Denver? Aha, traveler's tip #01: Simpanlah sedikit wang tunai dalam kocek atau poket.

Jadi, makanya, more reasons to go back downtown. Sampai di downtown, si pemanggil tadi janji jam 7 malam untuk jumpa dan pulangkan dompet aku sebab dia guna Zipcar tu dan akan pulangkan semula pada waktu yang dinyatakan di permulaan second line di atas. Yang menariknya, flight untuk aku pulang semula ke Buffalo adalah jam 10.30. Mestila aku perlu ada di lapangan terbang paling lewat pun satu jam sebelum. Jam 7...tak ada lagi. 7.10... ah sudah macam mana ni nanti nak kena balik rumah kawan balik dari downtown Denver makan masa 1 jam. Dari rumah kawan nak bertolak ke airport satu jam jugak. Mahu terkucil aku di situ. huhuh.


Tunggu punya tunggu...7.15 dia datang. Alhamdulillah dompet selamat, wanita putih berhati batu permata tu tak usik apa-apa pun. Sebagai hadiah, aku belanja dia kopi Caribou secawan. :)

Okay, I said my thanks to fate for an interesting day. But like I said, fate...it was created without no ears. Maka aku pun berjalan lajulah ke arah stesen bas Denver, tinggal lagi 2 jam or so to catch my flight. Sampai ke stesen...Ya Rabbi... TUTUP! Sebab ada keramaian apa tah. Sabauuuu je la. Mana aku nak cekau bas waktu-waktu hampir maghrib ni?

Aku buka data plan, google jadual bas, google itu google ini. Masyaallah brother, there's so many things one can google for haha. Pap, dapat...akan ada bas di perhentian fulan dan pada waktu fulan. Tapi sedang aku google macam mana nak ke tempat tu... waktu dah limiting, boleh pulak ada pak cik wartawan Kanada ni sembang dengan aku. Hadoiiii. Yang aku ni pulak bukan jenis yang suka rudely end a conversation, jadi aku pun layan la dia. Facepalm. 

Nasib baik bas dia datang. Dan pada waktu yang sama, aku dah terlepas bas aku. Ok.

Dalam keadaan kelam kabut kelicau, there's no other way but to make an emergency call to my working friend, which hopefully has ended his work. Bila aku terangkan kat dia situasi aku dalam keadaan, dia pulak yang gabra lebih haha. A caring dude he is (please don't get carried away after reading that statement).

Alhamdulillah dengan kelajuan maksima 2 buah kenderaan, satu kereta daripada Denver pulang ke Mines, satu lagi, dari Mines ke airport, selamat sampai ke lapangan terbang, 10 minit sebelum gate dibuka, tanpa ada barang yang tertinggal, waima beg aku perlu diselongkar sebab aku bawa pisau lipat (walau dah banyakkkk kali naik kapal terbang, aku masih tak register what I can and cannot bring with me in a flight).

Sampai ke Buffalo pada hening pagi Ahad. Alhamdulillah. Demam aku sembuh on the dot. Mungkin aku rindu Buffalo? Nehh tak kot. Mungkin hati dah separuh sembuh? Mungkin mungkin.

Alhamdulillah. Tadabbur alam. Perjalanan ke Colorado adalah satu rehat untuk minda dan hati. Walaupun aku bawa juga komputer riba aku haha, tapi what meant the most was to see my friend there, to seek his thoughts and to listen to his advice, and to see the mountains because I do miss one, and I cannot find one here in Buffalo. There are hills, but overall, the clear blue, sometimes grey, skies conquer the view. 

Kalau aku bisa upload segala apa yang terjadi di Colorado, seperti yang mata ini lihat, aku nak buat. Sebab narration aku ni mungkin tak mencapai maksud. Sekadar berkongsi pengalaman. Pengalaman seorang hipster musafir.

That bus ride.

I like being on Stampede. That 15-minute ride, between South and North Campuses.

To sit at my favorite spot - well, everyone's favorite spot - at the back corner of the bus. Stretch my legs out, put on my earphones and sip my warm tea or coffee. Either I bring one from home, or I buy one from Tim Hortons. And start to listen to my favorite songs, analyzing the lyrics and the rhythm, or just ponder out,  ponder about life, about what had happened that day, what I should have learned, what I should change and improve, of myself, of my surrounding. Think about God, think about His creations, think about who gonna enter the garden of Eden, about how to enter paradise easily, am I gonna enter it, to think the meaning of life, what am I doing here, why God allowed me to be here today, just wondering why. Why He wants me here. To create this self and let it wander the Earth. Such a simple question, requiring a pretty complex answer.


Stampede, kabhi kushi kabhi gham. Mere pyar.

 

Catharsis of Anger

Yes, pretty childish, immature.

But a better alternative rather than going directly to him, cursing him right in front of his face. Or better than doing anything low and stupid. I am above that. I am above him.

Hear this, love.
For this is how I feel. The closest that I can get to express.

How to Kill a Girl

How to kill a girl without
being caught red-handed?

Without blood stains
up your sleeves?

An instant death
No pain, I promise.
Even if there's one
it would only hurt for a blink of an eye

No one will see you kill her
Even when you're in a crowd
Hush...don't tell anyone that you gonna kill her...
Just do it.
It's a secret, just you, and me

You can kill a girl
Or do an all-girls massacre

Ahh, don't frown just yet.
It's not complicated at all.

Ahh easy boy, easy...my my you don't even need a knife,
or a gun
or an AK47 for that matter
nor do you need a bottle of 5.0M HCl
nope, neither do you need a rat poison.

You just need your mouth. Your mfckg mouth.



Just say this:

"You're not beautiful"

or perhaps a longer sentence to savor seeing the effect, like this:

"You're not beautiful enough"

Yeah, adding one word before you end your core sentence might prolong your screen time to say...1-2 milliseconds.

After you've done so, seat back, relax, enjoy the show.
See how she will crumple within. Rotten. Dark. Black. Dead.
Such a great entertainment. A live show.
Want to intensify the effect? Tell her first that you love her. That you care about her. Or even if you don't want to tell, afraid that you're sinning for lying, imply it to her so. Imply those things implicitly. Let her figure it to be that way.
Play with her. Play with her feelings. Play with her heart. Make her laugh. Make her happy. Make her dream of you night and day.
After a while,
say that to her face.
No, don't be a coward. Don't use Facebook. C'mon, really, social media? Don't say that to another third party. C'mon be a man, chicken! Face her and say that.

Hush,...I won't tell anyone
That you just murdered a girl.

Shh...it's a secret, remember?

Hari Terakhir Internship

Huhu.

Kadang-kadangkan, akan ada hari yang kita akan mess up. We thought we gonna start that day perfectly because we did nothing wrong yesterday, or maybe we did nothing wrong AND we did something good yesterday, so we think we at least deserve a decent reward from fate to have at least another normal day today. Guess what...fate doesn't have ears.

16 Ramadan 1435

Lepas sahur, macam biasala, perut boroi mana mahu tidur terus. Jadi aku pun chillax dengan mushaf Uthmani, sebelum tidur balik dalam jam 4.50 pagi gitu, aku sempat lagi baca artikel Dr.MAZA fasal kenapa kempen antisematik Hitler dahulu berjaya. Tapi entah kenapa, mungkin sebab perut yang keterlaluan boroi gamaknya, susah jugakla aku nak tidur balik. Dahla kena pergi naik shuttle jam 7.30. Kalau tak tidur, bila pulak nak ganti tidur. Nanti tertidur kat tempat intern memang nayala. So tossing punya tossing, akhirnya tertidur jugak. Set alarm jam 6.40 pagi. In shaa Allah bangun huhu.

Memang bangun pun. Jam 7.22.

(-________-)"



Mandi tak, gosok gigi tak payah, dengan masam-masam tu aku sarung jeans, pakai cardigan, pin tudung, cau. Alhamdulillah dapat naik shuttle. Hari last intern ni, everything kena perfect! Dahla ada presentation.

Okay, maka sampailah aku dengan selamat. Masuk pejabat aku, alang-alang ada lagi 5 minit sebelum waktu intern aku start, aku pun bertolakla ke tandas. Laju je aku pergi tandas sebab yela, tandas...tandas.


Dah tenang-tenang tu aku pun nak masukla ruang office aku balik. Punyala sentap jantung aku bila aku sedar aku lupa bawak security card. Ya Allah....camne nak masuk opis balik arghhh. Ruang pejabat tu ada banyak lapisan. Untuk masuk lapisan tempat aku intern, kena ada security card, tapi nak masuk office aku, tak payah. Jadi dengan rasa kebodohan melampau, aku pun tunggula orang lalu situ, kot-kot bolehla tolong bukakan pintu. 3 minit, 6 minit...10 minit...haiyoyo. Aku dah rasa macam dalam perut ikan nun dah. Mulala aku baca doa Nabi Yunus...doa taubat Nabi Adam pun aku tibai baca. Kantoila kalau supervisor aku call office aku pastu aku takde, habisla evaluation aku nanti. Satu-satunya akses aku ke dunia luar adalah elevator. Aku pun duk turun, naik, cari-cari orang boleh tolong aku untuk masuk ke pejabat balik. Memang lengang betul bangunan tu.

Alhamdulillah lepas hampir 20 minit aku buang masa...ada seorang staf yang sangat cwit ni tolong aku. Yes, yes, kenapa aku tak guna cell phone aku untuk call for help kan...sebab aku pergi tandas tu memang sehelai sepinggang bawak diri dan botol je. Pandai betul...


Okay so far the good news is, aku tak kantoi dengan supervisor aku. Aku berjaya sampaikan pembentangan dan hampir-hampir aku nak keluar, supervisor aku beri kerja yang terakhir. Aku pun macam, oklah kan, tak kisah buat jela. Dan of course aku screwed up. Yang kena print  2 helai pdf document je, tapi aku pergi print 2 sets, siap warna lagi. Dahla supervisor aku pesan jangan guna color quota. Kalau ikutkan hati aku yang biul ni, nak je aku sorok set dokumen tu, tak pun buang on the way keluar bangunan. Tapi memandangkan bulan Ramadan ni bulan melatih akhlak mulia, aku pun beritahu jela apa jadi. Memang muka supervisor aku tadi macam serigala tercekik air liur sendiri huhu. Tapi mungkin sebab hari ini last day aku, jadi dia senyum senyum jela. Haha.

Balik intern, pergi kelas kat North, pastu pergi makmal kat South. Petang tu aku balik memang tidur 2 jam. Hadoihh. Bangun-bangun dah jam 6.30. Solat belum lagi, mandi lagila. Masak iftar pun tak mula lagi.

Hari ini hari pertama bekalan ayam aku habis kat rumah, jadi terpaksala makan daging. Dengan rajinnya aku melangkah ke dapur nak buat daging bakar. Ala ramas-ramas je daging tu dengan garam, Greek seasoning, dan EVOO, pastu biar masak atas kuali. Senang, cepat dan beres. Bila waktu dah masuk, aku pun pergila dengan gumbiranya nak makan, cedok nasi.

Sedih gilerr bila tengok nasi yang aku warm dalam rice cooker basi. Alahai. Makan daging dengan sayur jela.

Yang paling best adalah aku suka masak awal, dan bila dah dekat waktu nak iftar aku akan re-heat makanan aku on stove. Aku pun panaskanla balik daging aku tadi. Memang harum semerbak la rumah, kuat sangat bau daging tu. Aku spray dengan pewangi pun still bau daging lagi.
Lepas aku selesai ambik wudu' untuk Isya', baru aku perasan yang aku tak tutup stove, bila aku buka penutup kuali, asap berkepul-kepul keluar...daging aku dah nak hangit dah. Actually, memang dah rentung.


So, itulah kisah hari ini. Semua serba serbi tak kena walau macam mana aku cuba untuk make things straight.

Haha, it's just one of those days. Small, small things that make you smile if you choose to. 

An Obituary for Stupidity

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim



Post kali ini adalah post terakhir berkenaan masalah pemulihan yang sedang aku lalui. Promise that to myself. 

I'm willing to let go now. Like, seriously. I have to hold to my previous words that I told him, that if not, life goes on. Then it should. 
So to let go, I did something rather childish, but it works. It has been working so far and alhamdulillah for the idea. 

Lovely words written on a white tombstone

 
Once he replied me with a poem. I loved that poem so much because I don't know, it just sounded out of sincerity of his heart. The words are so, so beautiful to me. He must have been writing and editing that for one whole week, if not for 10 minutes.



It was the last nicest thing.




In mid June, I decided I have to do something to let it go. Seriously something is haunting me, and I don't like it. So I print that out, bought a decent frame, put the poem into the frame, place it on the fireplace and ornate it with a single dried red rose. (No I didn't buy the flower, hell no)

It is meant as his "tombstone".





...and it works. So far alhamdulillah.


Yeah, yeah lame me. I think I have problem with letting people go. Because I make sure that people who enter my life, like really personally, are worth to be there. And always do I found myself greedy of that person's attention, though seldom I show it. By my definition, letting go here doesn't include death...I mean so far, my logic and rational thinking says that death is something unavoidable, so there shouldn't be an issue of keeping it, no issue of letting go at all. Why you want to be afraid nor sad about it, since you're returning back home, to the Arms of your Creator? Why must we be worried when there's death, since that person whom we care is in the care of the Most Merciful now? Okay that's how I see death, for now.

But if the person whom you care, love, if you will, is going away from you not because of death, but because of another person, that's something unacceptable. Or if the reason is just plain stupid like..."I'm not good for you". Blahhh.
If you know something wouldn't last, why bother starting it at the first place? Like, seriously people.


Hell yeah I'm angry. But it's an in-thing, I don't show and will not show it, that emotion, instead of pulling me down, will only turn me into another new person - a whole new character. A new person who will not remember that person anymore, in any way or circumstance. A person with A-amnesia.

I was expecting myself to be all aloof, saddened, for months, like in the movies. Or like, the semester after he left.
But hey, that will only make me the stupid one. And I'm above that. And I have a legit future. All too good that I was willing to let this person enters it for the sake of a better future. But the door has now closed. It was an ultimatum. The ultimate decision has been made and there is no turning back.

God, it feels so so good to let it go here. I have been writing another personal log in another medium but my ego just like the idea of pouring everything here. Normally when it is out here, it is no longer in me, my mind, my heart. So yes, I'm letting go.

Yes, it is a rushing decision, if you see it that way. I am rushing to cure myself because I need to guard my future. 23 is the age to know where you want to stand. No more playing around. It's time to think money, wealth, career, posh cars, expensive condo and what not. Yes, say that I am materialistic but you, I gave you the chance to change this but you declined. I'm blaming you alright.


Seeing this situation from another perspective, the nice babes will say that it is all fated, written in the Qadr. Yes I know. I realize that because I don't want to deny that I did pray. It is Allah's decree for this not to happen, but I am more fond to blame your stupidity. One of the reasons a Muslim's prayer is not granted is because He wants to protect that Muslim from a calamity. Guess what, I think you are a mistake, and will be the disaster in my future life. Thank God that you decided to withdraw from the play. But I still blame your stupidity.


Once I visited my friend at Colorado. It was a pretty personal journey, just to get out of the situation. I've always wanted to see the mountains there anyway. One great advice that he said to me was "A, do you want to be known as the A, who has done this and that, achieved this and that, or do you want to be known as A, this person's wife?"
I was silenced by that.
So true.


I don't regret this happen, for it is a learning process. I regret only 2 things along this episode of life: 1) his stupidity, and 2) the very last question I asked Wani, one of the people who I dragged into this. I wish I could take back the question before she answer it. But that'd be awkward. Let it be then, I don't bother the answer anymore.


I write this because the person exist, the story is true and the impact is huge.
But the memory is dead, the story ended and the scar will always bleed.

I still care though. But it was an ultimatum.

A Duckling from the Pith of an Abyss

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate,




When I was in high school, I can't remember exactly at what age I was, maybe 14, or 15...either one, it was the age where most of my peers were busy searching the attention of boys. And vice versa.

Of course, being among them and being a girl at that age, I was trapped. That was the pop-culture.


One of my escape routes was to think that there's no point of having such time-limited relationship. C'mon, your monkey love ain't gonna be forever. It's the reality. History has it that not many high school lovers safely entered marriage. It is a waste of time, and phone credit, and not to forget energy for emotions, to be engaged in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

Another one of my routes of thinking was that I am an ugly duckling. Nobody wants to look at me nor have the fantasy to be with me. Yeah, a pretty matured way of thinking, if you want to put it that way. So I pinned that believe strongly in my mind and heart, because I believed this ugly duckling need to focus on her goals to end high school with flying colors first, to enter a creme de la creme college, to grad with honors, to get the best-paying job, to have a nice, up-to-the-beat car, and to own the most peaceful-looking house (not renting). Then, she'll turn into the most beautiful swan anyone could've ever seen.

Blahh...I'll be the most mesmerizing swan! - Credit

But along the way walking to fulfill my fate, I somehow forgot that I'd such thinking embedded in me. Oh well...

Because I forgot who I aimed to be - the beautiful swan adored by many - I began to lower my guard. I'd fell into a deep hole in which I admit, I am still in progress climbing out from it. I hole dug by someone who not only refused to help me out of it, he even denied he was the one digging it. I hope he does bother to cover it up, for the hole is too deep an abyss, and whosoever trap in it, I believe, only a soul can be given as an exchange for the freedom of the victim's heart.

Okay okay, I'm trying to get over it. Gee. Anyways,

To love - one of the things that I've learned while climbing out of the hole - means to let go.
As I was watching the third episode of season one "Lie to Me", it came to me why God does what He does. He knows the future, what will happen to you, if you disobey Him. Like, when you want to perform adultry. The consequent is, needless to say, always bad. Either you end up behind bars, or I don't know...you hang yourself because you're too stress, maybe you'll start taking drugs and you'll die because of overdose. In short, the aftermath is not pretty.

God knows when you have the desire to do it, and He knows, He is actually seeing you doing it. But He doesn't, in a normal situation, save that maybe you're rescued by someone else's prayers or whatnot, stop you like...literally stop you. He doesn't shout from above the Heavens "Hey you there! Stop it, otherwise you'll enter Hell!". Well, technically He does warn mankind via the Holy Qur'an. But that requires effort of opening the Book, reading it and searching for the most trusted translation to the Arabic scriptures for one to know that he is warned.

In that episode of "Lie to Me", Dr. Lightman's daughter, Emily, was caught in a party by the police. She previously called her dad to inform she was going to stay a night at her friend's to prepare for an exam. Dr.Lightman, being a professional lie detector he is, knew that his daughter was lying but he still gave her permission. After  the caught, Emily was punished to clean Dr.Lightman's store room. While carrying heavy stuff, Emily was helped by Gillian, Dr.Lightman's collegue. Gillian told her that Dr.Lightman already knew she was lying, but he still gave her permission for having the night at her friend's. Emily, being a 15-year-old, didn't understand her father's choice. Gillian gladly explained that if he didn't let her to pursue her wish, it won't be any sooner that she will distance herself from him. So, to put this scene into another perspective...


Allah deliberately gave humans free will. I mean, He did mention in the Qur'an that if He wants, He can make every human to obey Him, to perform His commands exactly as they are executed, but He didn't. He gave us the freedom to choose. Adam was the first human given the choice, the first human to feel how is it like to choose something, a feeling that we now call free will (thanks to Jeffrey Lang, author of "Losing My Religion: A Call for Help", indeed that is a good read).

He knows we will do wrong (notice that I didn't say He knew? Because God is not entitled to time), yet He still let us. Because He doesn't want His constant watch irritates us, among other reasons.

If your parents were to constantly nagging at you to do something perfectly, wouldn't you feel that you don't have the freedom to prove yourself? It is a suffocating feeling to have someone over your shoulder telling you to keep driving at 55 mph all the time till you reach your destination, when you know that sometimes your foot will jerk to 57 mph, or slow down to 48 mph. But that voice keep on saying, "Watch out, 55!". Without a doubt, you definitely will not driving with that person beside you again. That person has now been estranged. So does Allah, if He does the same.


Well, of course you have the thought that simply because Allah just want to give a severe punishment to those who cross His line. But why thinking that way, when you know that His Mercy is far beyond His Wrath? Didn't I start this post with His Loving names? Not to mention almost every surah in the Qur'an (except for at-Taubah) starts with bismillahi ar-Rahman ar-Rahim.



Food for thought. Thought for thy heart.




And f, this is for you. May you heal fast. You need to be a swan soon. (such a gorgeous pianist btw).

 

For that child

Go home,

child

Go, be safe

In the warmth of your

mother's breath

Don't turn back

Don't flip the previous pages

And that's a lover's wish

Please

Go home safe

I whisper to You

My prayers 

In hope He will grant them soon

So don't be afraid

Just go home safe

With the touch of love

Believe

That you'll be home

safe.

"...with the touch of love, everyone turns into a poet"

Where did it go?

I'm losing it.

I've lost my poetic side.

Did you mistakenly take it? Or it was you, all along?













Hypothetically speaking, if you were to come back...it just won't happen.

Sigh.

Let Go...Maybe

Aih boi...

Aku seorang yang tidak suka bersukan. Sebab aku tak suka terluka. Sakit.

Yela, yela...luka sikit dah nak heboh.

Sebab aku jarang terluka.

Amazing enough, the cut healed pretty fast. It was a deep wound though.
Perhaps it's still bleeding, too much, that I don't even notice the pain. I got numbed.

Weird...

"To love someone doesn't mean that you have to own..." said a friend. Ah, kau, kau pun 2x5 dalam situasi ini.
Haha.

For

when Love blossoms

everything turns into

a poem

...

but when Spring ends

does the Sonnet buries

under those rotten petals

hm?

Time will heal everything. It will.

Perhaps one day, looking back at this, I will smile, laugh, maybe give out a sigh of relief.

I will understand. Just please don't say "tak ada jodoh". I know, you don't have to say.

Let me heal myself.

Time will heal.

 

que sera sera

Aih ... boi,

Kadang-kadang aku merasakan masalah-masalah dalam hidup aku, diselesaikan oleh Tuhan ibarat sedang membuka kulit pisang.
Satu persatu. 
Manis.
Kadang-kadang, masalah yang datang sangat pelik. Meninggalkan aku hairan. 
Hairan memikirkan solusi. Hairan pada nasib. Hairan bagaimana Tuhan menyelesaikannya. Tak pelik meh?
Bagaimana Tuhan bisa mengukir kisah kita semua, kisah kau, kisah aku, kisah kau dan aku, 50 000 tahun sebelum bapa kita dicipta? 

Perlahan mimpi terasa mengganggu

Kucoba untuk terus menjauh

Aneh itu barangkali satu perkataan yang terlalu rendah untuk menggambarkan kebesaran Tuhan. Gempak, ya, that's the word.

Perlahan hatiku terbelenggu

Kucoba untuk lanjutkan hidup

Perempuan itu makhluk yang pelik. Banyak bercakap. Sokseksoksek. Perkataan yang patut dirahsiakan, tidak dipendam. Mengapa? Sebab kami aneh.
Jadinya, aku ingin berbicara. Throwbackthreeyears.
Pena Tuhan telah menulis bahawa aku akan berjumpa dengan seseorang. Jatuh hati. Lalu menunggu. Akhirnya kecewa. 

Engkau bukanlah segalaku

Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahku

Aku manusia, tak kiralah aku join usrah ke, tak join ke, komponen manusiawi aku akan tetap menjajah aku. Ya, ya, iman aku lemah. 

Kecewa itu ada. Tapi expected.
Boi...bila lagi kau mahu belajar tentang kecewa? 
Yang pasti kau tidak belajar kecewa di kuliah harianmu, mahupun ketika perjumpaan Tau Sigma.
Bukan juga melalui NAK series di YouTube, ataupun memalui program-program ilmiah EM.

Boi, kecewa itu lebih daripada tidak mendapat A dalam subjek pre-req, lebih daripada meninggalkan meeting dengan perut kosong, lebih daripada buffering yang menjengkelkan, dan lebih daripada tidak mendapat subsidi kenderaan yang mencukupi.

Kecewa itu...
tidak menjumpai almond dalam Hershey's Kisses setelah manisnya dihisap-hisap. 
Sebab aku suka almond. Aku nak almond. Aku expect almond itu ada, wujud. 
Tapi aku lupa, Tuhan telah menulis, tiada almond di situ. Sorryla bhai. 

Pena Tuhan juga telah menulis, bahawa aku akan berjumpa dengan seseorang, jatuh hati, lalu menunggu, akhirnya kecewa. Tapi aku bangun, aku tidak menoleh, aku tidak tinggalkan ruang, aku menjadi kuat, aku menjajah hidupku, aku kembangkan sayapku, aku pergi, melangkah jauh, meninggalkan seseorang itu, meninggalkan masa lalu.




Pena Tuhan menulis, 

Usai sudah semua berlalu

Biar hujan menghapus jejakmu

Boi,

The first cut is always the deepest,

But it is also a rebirth. 

Dalam hati...

Uih...dalam hati...rase nak bagi penampo je. Ha, geram la ni. Eh eh...

Tempat bersandar

Perasan tak, with a slight change in the font, lagu ini dapat mengingatkan kita kepada Tuhan?


Tanpa sebarang nama Tuhan,
Hanya sifat-Nya,
Cukup untuk mengingatkan kita kepada Tuhan,

Padahal kalau dibuka video klip asal lagu ini, aku tak rasa Neo asalnya menulis puisi ketuhanan.

Indahkan. Listen to it. Sounds so "mukhlis" (sincere).


Kita terlalu menekankan romanticism dalam agama sehingga kita lupa to get back to the basics. Agama yang pada asalnya hanyalah untuk kita mengenal Tuhan (langsung beribadah kepada-Nya) kini sudah menjadi terlalu complicated. Term ini term itu, pening. Kalau tak guna, tak masuk group. Kalau guna, eh pelik pula. Tak pernah-pernah guna sebelum ini. Kawan-kawan lagi mesti akan cakap "tibbah sangat ni!".

Entahlah kawan, apa agama bagimu?

Adakah dengan menyebut "Oh my God" saat mendapat tahu kelas esok dibatalkan atau saat terkejut kawan anda membelikan anda iPhone 5 (huh? Adeke kawan macam ini? Haha. Mungkin) menjadi indikasi bahawa anda bertuhan?

Hm. Apa itu bertuhan, kawan?

Entahlah kawan. Kita kehilangan erti ketuhanan. Tanpa sedar kita beragama tapi tiada bertuhan. Oh, ada juga yang bertuhan namun hidup tanpa agama.
Aku kagum bagaimana para sahabat Rasulullah s.a.w. dahulu, sebelum semua ibadat-ibadat yang kita tahu kini di-established, yang syahid, terus masuk ke syurga. Tak, tak perlu teruk-teruk beribadah, hanya ikhlas kepada Tuhan. Tapi itu dahulu. Kawan itu dahulu. Setelah pena diangkat untuk perkara yang diwajibkan, kita perlu laksanakan. Exception ke Jannah tanpa ibadah yang kaw-kaw hanyalah pada zaman pre-Islam sahaja. Mereka ada ujian mereka, kita ada ujian kita. Tapi point aku, kawan, aku merasa hilangnya keikhlasan dengan perhiasan agama yang terlalu merimaskan.

Alhamdulillah aku termasuk dalam kalangan mereka yang berubah, in shaa allah. Aku tahu bagaimana rasanya, ada mata-mata memandang saat kita lakukan kesilapan di luar norma agama. Aku tahu apa rasanya saat ada masalah memahami perkara-perkara agama yang sulit namun simple di mata mereka. Aku tahu. I've been there and alhamdulillah Allah saved me, still saving me, and I hope he will save me in the future in shaa allah. 

Lalu bagaimana kawan, untuk mereka yang mahu berubah namun disebabkan oleh elemen-elemen agama yang memberatkan, yang dibawa oleh para hipokrit itu, lalu bagaimana untuk berubah? Tiada ruang. Susah. Sempit. Sesak. Lemas, tak bernafas.

Entahlah kawan.

Teruskan saat niat sedang terpacak di hati. Jangan toleh ke belakang, teruskan langkah. Biar mereka kritik, biar. Dengar jika tidak mampu dibisukan. Pekakkan telinga, jika kaki tidak dapat membawa pergi. Teruskan niat, sebab kau ikhlas, kawan.

Siapa sangka, yang mendengar Linkin Park mungkin sedang mengingati Tuhan dengan lebih khusyuk berbanding yang berdiri malam menunaikan qiam. 

Kalau hati ingin mengingati Tuhan, segala perkara kau akan lihat Dia.

Oh, "Cinta Yang Sempurna" by 6ixth Sense ft. Neo Letto juga antara lagu ketuhanan tanpa nama Tuhan. :)
Carian seleksi nasyid Malaysia kebanyakannya mengenai soal jodoh dan pernikahan. Bro, tak semua mahukan romanticism agama sebegitu rupa. Kami hanya mahukan Tuhan. Saya mahukan Tuhan.