Rindu II

Rindu.

Bila jumpa, seronok sangat. Sangat sangat. Tak tergambar. Prior to jumpa lagilah. Jantung laju, tersenyum sendiri tak sedar. Otak di bawah sedar, hanya fikir pasal dia. "Oh, nak jumpa," otak aku chant.

Bila depan mata. Tak nak lepas tengok wajah dia. Tak nak berkedip. Tak nak rugi walau sesaat. Rugi. Tuhan bagi mata untuk tengok keindahan kan?

Bila about to go. Feel so sad. So, so sad. So sad. But have to let go. Separate life, different responsibilities. Must let go.

Bila dah tak ada depan mata. Rindu. Sangat.
Dengan kekuatan yang sama dengan rindu inilah, aku gagahkan juga berhadapan dengan apa di depan mata, walau dia tak ada.

 

Jadual

Heh entah kenapa nak kena taip jadual kat sini.
Takpe, takde orang baca kot.
Harap takde.


OK so...hectic hectic. Nak masuk Jun dah jadi ...wargh.

Jun
2hb: Hm...
4hb: Kelas + cari tailor
5hb: Balik
Minggu-minggu seterusnya: Peperiksaan

*Dalam bulan ini mesti:
a) Bagi mak 1K untuk kemas rumah
b) Spend untuk baju
c) Beli tiket flight untuk honeymoon (RM3K per person, as for search done today in May)

Julai
Raya
Cari card designer (?)

Nak muntah. Semua ni aku tak boleh buat selagi satu je...satu je mulut ni....URGHHH.
Boleh buat satu je - duit 1K.


Pening.


Suddenly rasa nak buat satu kerja gila ni...

 

Countdown

Kelas Dr. Z: Research paper

Kelas Dr. Z2: Presentation

Kelas Dr. W: Individual & group essays, group presentation

Kelas Dr. S: Group essay

Kelas Prof H: Individual essay, presentation

So I have...5 papers, 3 presentations, 5 exams.

Noice.

I gotta pee.

Yet another rant on this.

Mula-mula dulu memang aku cemburu. OK, dengki.

Tapi lama-lama, tengok orang newlyweds ni post things and pics about their new marriage, just seems so...kesian.

Masih OK kalau kau post nak umumkan "aku nak nikah ni [gambar sign surat nikah]" atau post gambar dengan isteri/suami on the wedding date.

Tapi ni kalau dah berminggu berlalu, cerita kau kahwin dengan dia dah masuk arkib bhai...dah basi. Tak payahla hangatkan balik wall kau dan mencacatkan news feed aku dengan posts sebegitu.

Aku lagi SUKA kau post pasal dilema kau nak sambung PhD di Frankfurt atau California, mengenai next backpacking trip either ke Australia atau Korea. Nak beli Toyota atau Honda. Nak beli rumah kondo atau townhouse. Gambar kau baru dapat henpon baru, post mengenai kejayaan kau grad, post gambar kerja di syarikat paling tersohor di Malaysia.

Ini...gambar dengan isteri/suami kau? Itu je pencapaian kau? Kesian...only when you're married that you feel you achieved something. Or...finally achieved something in life.

C'mon bro, The Fat Duck dah pindah Australia dah, Luke Nguyen dah travel entah ke mana. Janet Hsieh tak kecoh langsung dapat suami hensem gila. Oh talk about her. I am amazed by her love story. Dia pernah hampir nak kahwin pada umur 26 tahun but shoot happened. She did not get married until she's 36. Wedding dia grand, akad dibuat di benua Antartik. Suami dia...every girl's dream. Imagine that 10 years she's been quite solo, I bet her heart did ache sometimes. Sometimes, when watching her friends getting married, she needs to be happy, right? Tapi dia sabar dan in the end, a perfect marriage. She has it all.

 Hm...

Just use your social media platform wisely. If you're really happy with your life then why bother showing it to everyone? Are you wishing to convince yourself that you're happy? Kenapa tak senyum depan cermin je? Lagi murah. Ini tak, kena guna that kilobyte, megabyte you paid just to reconvince yourself that you're in an earthly heaven. Are you actually okay in the head?


 






  

Bertunang dengan 25% Rangga

Pertama-tama nak ucapkan syukur alhamdulillah diberi kesempatan hari Ahad yang berbahagia ini untuk menonton Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2.

Alhamdulillah.

Segala onak duri ranjau untuk menonton filem ni berjaya aku atasi. Ini tontonan kedua selepas yang pertama diganggu oleh masa yang cemburu.

Overall, satisfied. That's the perfect ending. :)

A little bit disgusted apsal perempuan je yang perlu make the huge move. I mean, Cinta purposely went to New York with one intention, but Rangga went to Jogja to meet his mom, and Cinta was just an add-on. 

Tapi tak kisahlah, bukan cerita hidup aku haha. 

Bila tonton cerita ni pastilah teringat tentang yang dulu. Kenapa ek, kebanyakan first love di dunia ni bermula dengan lelaki yang tak boleh harap tak boleh jamin kehidupan stabil, dan yang datang kemudian itulah yang berwang, yang paling ideal, setuju bernikah bukan atas dasar sayang tapi sebab mahu setia mahu komited.

Kenapa kebanyakan perempuan, termasuk aku, jatuh minat pada karakter Rangga? Selain tampan, tinggi dan fizikal yang sedap mata memandang, Rangga ni...lelaki sejati. Yes perbuatan tinggalkan awek sikit punya cun tu dah menunjukkan dia lelaki tahpape tapi maksud lelaki sejati dalam konteks tulisan aku ni adalah Rangga tak terus reply, dia diam dan proses, lepas proses yang rumit di minda tu baru dia keluarkan kata-kata yang indah. Rangga ni simple je, cakap tak banyak tapi hati Cinta yang dah 9 tahun dizalimi tu senang-senang je maafkan dalam masa yang singkat. Just days.

Dan bila dikaitkan semula dengan hidup aku, ye aku tak ada Rangga dalam hidup aku. Why should I? Aku dah bertunang dengan orang yang cukup lengkap segala-galanya. Dia, walaupun perit nak mengaku dia bukan yang pertama, tapi dia hormati aku, dia tinggikan aku. Segala benda remeh aku penting bagi dia. 

Aku pernah tercrush kat dia dulu. Tapi heck I thought it was just a crush. Move on.

Tak sangka hari ini dah 7 bulan menyarung cincin pemberian dia. God nak dekat setahun.

He's not the character Rangga for most of the part - he does not write poems. But heck, he is the poem itself. And I, his avid reader. 

Why eh?

"Wahai Ali, ada tiga perkara janganlah di lewat-lewatkan. Yang pertama, solat apabila telah masuk waktunya, yang kedua, jenazah apabila telah hadir dan yang ketiga, anak dara apabila telah ada orang sekufu dengannya."

Hmm...mayat lagi cepat masuk kubur compared dengan aku yang dah bertunang tapi tak nikah-nikah lagi.

Aku bayangkan, sebagai perempuan yang agak menjaga itu ini dalam agama, aku akan dapatla happy ending yang selalu orang-orang usrah ni gebang-gebangkan: ecece nikah dengan lelaki beragama, kenal melalui borang baitulmuslim, tak bercintun pun, waima wajah pun tak pernah tengok, aci tengok di gambar je. Ecece waktu nikah ala-ala tema Arab, semua orang senyum happy redha, tutup aurat terpisah lelaki perempuan. Yang aku, nikah aku pakai jubah putih, kalau rajin mungkin pakai niqab. Lepas lafaz nikah selesai, terus solat sunat. Suami letakkan tangan di ubun-ubun doa, jadi isteri taat dan bertaqwa. Happy. Hidup diredhai, semua orang suka senang dengan kami. Mati, Tuhan pun redha maka masuk syurga. Life's good.

Panjang angan-angan yang telah dibina dalam suasana usrah dulu.

Sakitnye hati semua tu tak berlaku. Aku rasa betrayed. 

Untuk stay sane dan sedar hidup bertuhan, aku keluar dari usrah. Rasa plastik dalam usrah membuak-buak waktu senior year. Biarlah hidup dengan layar aku sendiri. 

Dah bosang dah. 

Ape nak jadi, jadilah. 

Hey Far, may you never stop praying. May you be the stronger person that everyone one day shall envy. Amin.

the second

Why am I always the second? Almost always the second.

It is always your family first. Everything is.

Of course no doubt, and I fully realize, I am just your fiancée, still an outsider. 

But you are an outsider to me too and I have been putting you in front. I accept to go for Master's in Malaysia, for you, I accept that I have to work for at least 7 months, for you. I argued about marriage with my parents, for you. To some point I even deliberately starved, for you.

Some nights I don't even eat and sleep in starvation and when the next day comes, headache hits me. 

I prayed non-stop for you. I wake early on somedays, for you. Some days in months before I fasted, for you. 

I traveled far, day by day from morning till black night, for you. I was willing to spend, for you.

Weekends and you can sleep in till noon comes, I have to struggle to finish my readings, for you.

Some nights when I want to do assignments instead, I put it aside, for you.

If you want to argue about the ring then did not I have to be the one who requested for it? Did not I have to be the one who always remind my mother to have your akad by December?

I lower my crown, for you.

But did you ever go this far, for me?

You only give me your saliva and convincing words. Only "love" but less of action. You are working for yourself. You have a dem car for yourself. Weekends you can go anywhere enjoy your money but I am stuck here alone with burderns.

So you cannot anwser my call when you are with your family but why did I answer your call when I am with my family?

Still I am the second. Always have and will always be.

What is it left for me? The second one, the one who always gets what is left. 

Feel so stupid right now. 

One month from now is the finals week. Shit I have plenty of essays to work on. Even if I fail, I will still be his second. More reasons to be the second.

Me, this has to stop.