Friday, 30 January 2015

Interesting.

Muslim Meaning:
The name Farhana is a Muslim baby name. In Muslim the meaning of the name Farhana is: Happy. Joyful. Cheerful. Glad.
 
SoulUrge Number: 3 People with this name have a deep inner desire to create and express themselves, often in public speaking, acting, writing or singing. They also yearn to have beauty around them in their home and work environment.

Expression Number: 4 People with this name tend to be orderly and dedicated to building their lives on a solid foundation of order and service. They value truth, justice, and discipline, and may be quick-tempered with those who do not. Their practical nature makes them good at managing and saving money, and at building things in the material world. Because of their focus on order and practicality, they may seem overly cautious and conservative at times.





Source: www.sheknows.com 




Often do I get questions like these, whether in breaking-the-ice class sessions, or during mock interviews:

"What is interesting about you?"
"What makes you stand out from the others"
"Why you, you?"

etc.


Ah the cliche answer, since I am in the States, would be, I'm a Malaysian, I am an international student, I am a transfer student, yada yada yada. As if there aren't enough non-natives already in this country. Cliche. 

Who wants to  be a cliche? Commoner. I don't.
But then, how am I to know who I am? I never thought this question before. I mean, who am I to know about myself. Doesn't it sounds selfish, narcissistic? Like the world doesn't revolve around you hello.

But at this age, 20s, I realize that to know myself is important. Heck it should be the number one thing to do. Because if not, how am I to make myself happy, stay on track, successful? And most importantly, if I don't provide happiness to myself, how am I suppose to make my loved ones happy, happy with me, happy having me?

That's a hell of a burden unless I make myself happy first. So to get there, I have to study about me. ME101.


Yet how to know about myself? 
Sometimes reading that zodiac thing online or in magazines does help. Not the future prediction part since it is haram in Islam. But the part to which one's character is studied. Or based on name(s) a person bears. Or the old school way which is to depend on time, to see how you swag the moment to get it through, would also work. But of course, time, huh, who has the patience for that?


Hence I googled the meaning of my name. To know what it holds beyond its literal translation. To know me. Why my name is so. Does it reflect my character, my me. As what Allah had it fated, fifty thousand years before the sky and earth were created. As what has written there in the sky.
 

Sunday, 25 January 2015

Jatuh, no?

Astagfirullahaladzim...

Pagi tadi bangun dengan angan-angan. Sungguh aku tak anticipate this situation. The plan was...different. But to not accept whatever He has laid out for me means that I don't want to be governed by Him. And to not be governed by Him is utmost stupidity, 'cuz of course, He will always wants the best for me in shaa allah. The best. Only the best.




Dear Allah,

I don't know how am I suppose to thank you because "thank you" and the acts of gratitude are never enough, not in a million years, not even in forever. I'd fallen many times in the traps of the devils, but often You saved me. Why, I owe my life, my being, my existence to you. Please help me always and always.





Stress. Far, kuatkan kubu Far. Don't fall too deep just yet. Be firm be strong. Be paranormal. Be patient be macho. Be cool be calm. Be collective be unique like you yourself and none other else. Be me. be me.





Friday, 23 January 2015

Penat.

Aku ada mengenali seorang kenalan baru, pelajar dari Kanada, lewat cuti musim salju yang lalu. Perkara paling menarik tentang dia adalah apabila dia dalam tekanan yang tinggi - I guess - she would just sleep on it.

And so do I.

I am officially socially pressured. I am pressured of some things that I cannot type them here, out of respecting this public outlet. Things that I cannot open my mouth to talk about even to the closest of flesh to me, out of "wailul likulli humzatiln lumazah" (Woe to every scorner and mocker - al-Quran, The Traducer, 104:1). Although sometimes of course I'd do it, either out of no knowledge or with one, but for the most part, my consciousness still govern for this theme that I have pressure on. And I do to want to share this with him, because I think it is more acceptable since he's supposed to be the one I am sharing secrets with, but then I cannot just blurt out everything to him, not because I don't want him to see the evil/bad side of me - in fact, I do want him to discover, see, and experience it -, but because that will require me to get his attention, and that initial step will require me to initiate the conversation, which is highly not necessary now since we are nothing, soaring in a space of nothingness except for a cloudy certainty. The only hypothetical getaway is that he to ask me if there is something wrong - shouldn't he feels it because if a person cares about another, shouldn't the lover can feel the unease vibe coming from the partner? Or is it just me, who has this wild, utopian imagination of love and couple? Sometimes it is just a matter of an unattained question, to what point of this stage of relationship if neither of us can talk freely about our problems? No man was born free of trouble. Even the Companions would feel there is something wrong if Allah doesn't give any hardship in a day. I want to share with you my problems - not necessarily wanting you to provide and guide me with the solutions, but to just listen to me for awhile - and I want to listen to yours too. When I asked him when, and quite long a wait was his answer, I almost gave up. But considering he believes in me, I've kept it rolling. It's no longer a matter of affection and love, for these also come with loyalty and commitment. But "loyalty is stupid," said someone during INTEC times. Hmm, it was proven once in the past that loyalty is stupid, but I'm giving it a second chance. He deserves a chance too. So do I. God please don't forsaken me. If this is foolishness, please enlighten me.

Pokoknya,

I am socially troubled with the company from my own country, my own race. Perhaps the company of my own gender. I'm not sure myself. And this has no specificity towards my best buds, of the same age or older. Some are younger. The ones creating troubles are the ones who are not even close to me, be it tied by blood or emotional bond. And I am too nice to welcome those troubles. Jemputlah masuk.

I feel like shouting really really loud now.

Because the burden is burdensome, hence, I would just sleep on it. "Sleep".
Live the life blind to problems brought by others. Not my problems why should I bother. Do you even care with the ones I have in my hands? Why should I care about the people who doesn't even care about my being? I am not nice okay. Stop pressuring me to be nice, or to feign nice. I am not nice, you hear me there? You hear that beloved? I AM NOT.
If s/he doesn't want to welcome my helping hands, then that's it, I won't help. Why should I be dragged along into your own abyss when you yourself don't want me to hold your hand? 



I am tired and I wanna go home.
I am so done.


Friday, 16 January 2015

Kuot: Gerak atas



"Aku move on"




Aku pandang sebelah kanan. Mamat ni boleh tahan otai. Ketuanan Melayu masih tak pudar. Dah empat tahun aku kenal, macam ni jugak tak berubah. Elok je dah bertunang. Satu pencapaian.


Aih bumi Colorado seringkali menjadi lubuk nasihat terbaik untuk aku. Kali pertama sampai sana, inche Spielberg in-the-making beri motivasi dan nasihat untuk bangkit semula setelah hati ditikam. Sedih tahu. Tapi sekarang happy dah. Apakah. Okay bukanlah happy, ... er... tak sedih? Jangan ingke, bak kata orang tua-tua. Kool, kool.

Kali kedua, lagi sekali tanah OneRepublic itu memberi nasihat. Kali ini topiknya tentang persahabatan. Soalan ditanya adalah "kau takde bespren ke?". Retorik. Mamat tu hipster Melayu sejati, masakan dia ada bespren. Well, definisi bespren di sini adalah kawan macam belangkas. Ke hulu hilir dengan orang ituuuu je. Dan ternyata lelaki ini takda. Generally speaking, none of the guys I've known have one. Unless...his manliness is somewhat questionable? Er.

Cuz guys move on. Like they can be friends with anyone. From one human to another, human hopping, as you will. Dan ternyata aku kagum dengan karakter yang Tuhan lahirkan dalam lelaki. Karakter take it easy. Yeah, once I questioned God why did I was born girl?

Anyhoo,


Lewat perjalanan ke Bloomington, merentasi pemandangan copy paste ladang jagung yang disaluti putih salju dengan suhu below zero Fahrenheit, aku berbincang dengan seorang teman dari Kanada mengenai the future. Larut perbualan berakhir kepada satu konklusi tentang perempuan and our social cycle post marriage. Our best friends will be the wives of our husband's best friends. 

So true setelah aku dan dia menganalisa kehidupan ibu masing-masing. Hm. Interesting. Jadi daripada konklusi itu aku ketemukan dua sub-conclusions:

1) Susah nak kekalkan persahabatan dengan rakan-rakan yang ada sekarang. Facebook is a living proof of how friendship is made to be destroyed. I mean, don't you feel that by having your friends there in your list making you actually farther away from him or her? You think they're there and your friendship is safe but because of that security it's actually deceiving you thus you just not contacting for real and just liking and liking for the sake to appear like you're involved with their lives and vice versa okay this is a very long sentence where is the period. there you are
Apsal aku rasa point aku takda kaitan dengan elaboration nih?

2) Pilih suami yang in your preferred social circle. Well marriage is not between one soul and another. You gonna get married with a whole package of new society. His family, his friends, his colleagues, his family friends, his friends of friends, he himself woah that's a handful there. I think it is well learned that if the society finds it incompatible for a couple to be together, chances are, divorce is just right around the corner. Imagine the pressure of your unblessed marriage from your mother-in-law, the shut out friendship from best buds...that social pressure. Gonna lead to something in that marriage aren't they. Plus you cannot fake yourself in your entire marriage years. Even if his social circle loves you but you don't, it's not going to make it through still.



So yeah. Kuot mamat zaman kesultanan Melaka ni agak awesome. Aku fokus kembali kepada jalan, roundabout di hadapan. Dia masuk topik lain pulak. Masih tak berubah, bising.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Nisaa

Okay, lapar.

Baru je lepas muatnaik gambar-gambar sewaktu percutian musim salju di Facebook. Hutang belum kira lagi. Adeh.

To-do list:

Kira hutang
Kira hutang
Cek emel
Fikir nak daftar kelas apa
Buat kalendar
Sambung senior thesis
Sambung tengok Gilmore Girls


Ah mestilah yang terakhir tu jadi perkara pertama yang aku buat. Cessss.

Melihat kembali aksi-aksi kami yang aku abadikan dengan Nikon D5100, buat aku tersenyum. Okay, gelak sikit sebenarnya. Road trip dengan perempuan....ahh, what do you expect? Mestilah akan ada drama whatsoever (oh well, aku pun perempuan duh). Sh*t happened. Dan melalui hal macam inilah, buat aku reevaluate, what is friendship.




Semenjak berakhirnya sekolah menengah, aku fikir, ke mana persahabatan aku dengan geng aku akan pergi. Sejauh mana ia akan bertahan. Aku sendiri bukan orang yang suka engage dengan long distance relationship, unless with family, cuz then you have a strong bond that ties you together. But friendship? On what basis should I be loyal to you, dear? Just because we're human? Well, me and Hyun Bin are human but he doesn't even bother to reply the birthday card I mailed to him somewhat nine years ago (disclaimer: I have officially off the hook of getting crazy over Korean entertainment after My Girl). Even Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah replied my Raya card (seriously trylah kirim kad raya kat Sultan Brunei, konfhem baginda sultan balas hehe).

Anyhow,

Setelah aku masuk satu kolej persediaan ni, aku masih seorang indie girl yang just mix with any crowd. Tried to fit in but often ended miserably so decided to just whatever and do my stuff my own. Wah loner giler. 

Lepas tu, flew to this one country.






Along that journey, I met this one girl. Odd. 
The first time ever I notice that I am loved and actually noticed by other people was when I had a fever. A horrible one. Like I wish I was dead kind of fever.

So there I was, lying on my bed in my room in Akasia. All I can do that time was sleep and cry silently under my blanket. Hoping the fever would go away. Parents were in a faraway land. The first time ever after a few months that I got fever and not even near my mom. And that was when she came, with chopped pears, still wet, still fresh, beautifully cut, organized on a plate, extended to me. 


None of my acquaintances even bothered I was sick. Well, partly because duh I'm in college, I should know how to take care of myself. Besides, it was just a fever. Nothing near a terminal illness. But a simple act from a friend made me feel alive. The fever was gone. All that I needed was attention from another being. And some medications of course. 


That girl was odd.


About a year after I got to this country, she contacted back. I never had any thought to contact her. Mostly because she was in this elite clique, and I was just an outcast. But shockingly she offered her hand for a friendship. And I gladly accepted it.

Alhamdulillah still contacting. Even after that horrible first argument during our first trip together, we managed to sit down and poured all our ill feelings on the table. She tolerated with my ego, which I cannot but to see this as a highly conduct. Such patience. Haha. Sorry dear, my apology for the tough moments you had with me. I'm a tough bull, pretty much explains why I'm here in UB I guess. LOL.  

In shaa allah gimme time. For time allows even the hardest rock to shatter to dusts. Gimme time to fix myself, slowly, for sincerity and patience are in one package, for time ties them together. 

That girl is amazing.


In her own ways. A kind of friend that I want to be with. The kind of friend that reminds me always of my Creator. The kind of friend who forced me to listen to Nouman Ali Khan and Yasir Qadhi's lectures during driving (yeah I actually prefer to listen to lectures but I'm too lazy to download. Hence, the best resort is iTunes). 


Thanks. Jazakillahu khairan katheera. May Allah bless. As selfish as this request sounds, I wish I can be yours forever.



"Ku tepiskan semua keraguan jiwa
Dan ku ganti dengan kepastian
Hatiku ini yang mulai mengerti
Dan berani tuk menyambut janji"

(Menyambut Janji - Letto)
 








On a side note,
Yeah betul kata dia. Aku tak nafikan perempuan suka pilih kawan. Pengalaman jadi perempuan untuk 23 tahun membolehkan aku endorse kata-katanya. Yang lelaki pula senang berkawan. Tibbah je dah boleh jadi buddy

Aku ada cuba selongkar ilmu komunikasi yang aku ada untuk justify my endorsement. Logik tak kalau aku kata perempuan memilih kawan, cepat menyampah dan sebagainya, sebab perempuan ada nature protective dan persaingan? Protective cuz well, your friends determine who you are (refer a hadith related to this). So ... nice girls befriends with nice girls too? Persaingan...haha. Sebab kalau dah jelas-jelas ada perempuan yang lagi high up, either one would resolve to "huish tak mampuler nak kawan dengan dia" atau hasad (nauzubillah). Entahlah, aku sendiri tak ada penjelasan yang pasti. Bagi aku, kalau sekepala, jalaaannnn. Kalau tak, don't force.  
 
 

Thursday, 8 January 2015