Saturday, 26 November 2016


1. I'll hate my wedding because 50% of the invite card design IS HIDEOUS and it has my name on it.

2. I'll hate my wedding because I am 100% sure the doorgifts my mother and sister will buy today are extremely HIDEOUS and so 80's.

3. I'll hate my wedding because chances of my pelamin  to be according to what I want is NIL. It will be HIDEOUS AND I SWEAR TO GOD IF IT IS HIDEOUS AND NOT MY CHOICE I WILL NOT LET THE SKIN OF MY FOOT TOUCH ANY PART OF IT nor MY FACE TO HAVE THE BACKGROUND IF THE HIDEOUS PELAMIN.

4. I'll hate my wedding because I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE AT A HOUSE. I WANT TO BE AT AN OPEN VENUE, WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO THINK OF CLEANING UP AFTER (not that I'll do the cleaning anyway).

5. I'll hate my wedding because someone inserts pink into my theme without my consent and I HATE PINK.

6. I will definitely hate my wedding for the things to come after today.

I hate they're here cuz I wanna to my work and this noisy man has a mouth of a drain and I hate that my ears can't be close all the time. It is difficult for me to do my work right now.

I don't feel I need help for my own freaking wedding. I have money and I am closer to sources to buy those freaking wedding stuff. I can buy them anytime I wish. Why others are being nosy?



Friday, 11 November 2016

Rant on what I want

Hi blog, it's been long since last I utilized you. I guess life happened.

N'way so one day a friend asked me what motivates me to still grab the day instead of staying on bed and let the day wash on us, what has kept me going.

I thought hard on that question, despite it's simplicity in and of the question-self - it was asked over a WhatsApp message.

Me five, four years ago would answer that I want to fly, I want to pass INTEC, I want to be the Muslim who excel in my thang. Me three, two years ago would answer I want to graduate, get a good high-paying job and I want to be the Muslim who follows all His rules and stay like that till end of my time. Me one year ago, recent times, answered I want to have house, a nice car, stability and to have all that with my partner (soon to be), to feel like I am achieving my own self-actualization - Maslow's hierarchy of needs has always been at the back of my head, to some small percent contributing to motivate my move - to feel great, every day, and to die knowing I had done the best and I did have a good life.

Me now is the me who wants to be beautiful, great body great skin, healthy in and out. I desire to be someone who has a regular monthly spa visit just to check my skin. I want SKII to appear on my shelf in my bathroom, like a signature skin care product. And whenever people enter my bathroom and notice the clear glass bottle with silver top, they'll say in their head, "Ana punye," with awe. Not only one bottle but several bottles of SKII on my shelf, indicating how economically stable I am that I can afford a set of those high end skin care. I want to have a good skin that I don't have to worry about putting powder too much on it. I want my partner to know that he doesn't have to worry about accidentally sucking in chemicals when he kisses my cheeks or forehead.

 I want a vehicle that works for me now, doesn't matter what brand it is just as long as it is good to go. When the time permits I'll change to Hyundai or Honda. I want a house that's not too big, but has several sections because I like a space to be compartmentalized. I don't mind for a landed property or not, either one, its architecture needs to reflect the house similar to what I've seen in New York, at Buffalo. Humble house, rich content. I want the windows with white wood panels, flower box just outside. Real flowers of course. I want to have just a small space for a mini garden. One long bench or one swing to put there, and if possible, a mini water fountain would do the trick for a self therapy session.

I wish for a partner who randomly gives me flower bouquets - real flowers of course. I can always buy for myself and write on the card as if given from someone else, but knowing that I am lying to myself only make me feel more pity than ever. I wish to get bouquets like this, and of course a prettier one for my wedding:

Processed with VSCOcam with hb1 preset
Credit to

Image result for beautiful flower bouquet, rustic
Nak cari jugak kat Ipoh something like this! - photo credit

Image result for beautiful flower bouquet, rustic, valentine
To get like this sometimes, would made my day...sighs - credit

But of course I know him...he's just not like this. I have to write an SOP just to get bouquet. But the thing is, no girl likes to tell her man what he should do, even though when I understand that men are always blur. The struggle to fight our own ego just to let you know what we want - and ain't it obvious that girls like to be pampered with beautiful things? God did not create diamonds to only be mata gerudi terowong bawah tanah or as a tool to cut a stronger mineral, didn't He?- it painful, the same ego for you to tear just to ask someone on the street when you got lost trying to go to a wedding.

I guess aku pendam je la. Untung-untung Tuhan makbulkan keinginan hati ini one day. But when Tuhan makbulkan, Far, just a heads up that don't feel disappointed that the flowers you'll get will not be from him. Ever. It's just how the world is.

OK sambung balik...

I want...

haha...maybe next time. Gotta get my ass together to write proposal paper. Sighs. I'll never take Master's during working again and I won't go for PhD.

Yah, no thanks.