Worse --> HAPPY.

So after falling into the same trap, finally, I moved my Facebook app to another less visited space on my smartphone. Thinking of deleting it permanently but then I will need WiFi to re-install in case there's something urgent online [that I need to see]. And to have WiFi, with a speed that permits installations and updates, is a faraway luxury.






Dear tough heart,


No one is comparable to you. 
You've overcome so many challenges successfully, despite your sometime-sad background. If the person who hold your jealousy were to be in your position, I bet, tough heart, she would've fallen. 

Damn who can get two degrees, active in a club awarded as the best, and dang landed on a heart of a guy who is not just nice, but is willing to do (and actually is doing) all that he can to provide the life that is similar to what you're having or better, all in the same year?

Just because you don't share pictures or success moments does not mean you don't have all that in your hands.


Grow up and out of it. They're kids. You were a kid when you were like them, weren't you? 

Live your life, one day at a time. Ignore people who make you feel worse. Like flies, they won't be around for long.





OKAYYY move on move onnn

So semester break is comin'!!!What should I dooooo???


Plan is:

1. To finish my writing
2. To find a publisher
3. To publish
4. To learn Japanese
5. To finish "Jerusalem" and start a new book
6. To work part time as a tuition class teacher
7. To have regular work out schedule (just for 1 month tough heart,...plish make it happen this time)
8. To relax and enjoy breathing


Okay tough heart, make sure you do this all ya!

Back to the now...where finals are just a few weeks away with an essay on Kuhn still incomplete...



 
 

Keep the private, private.

Sebelum.


One  fine day during my Thanksgiving one-week break, I was invited to a friend's friend house for my first ever American Thanksgiving dinner. It was in this hilly Indiana outskirt, very serene, very my kampung.

I remember seeing a green chicken egg for the first time. Talk about organic food. 

Surprisingly the family did not feel awkward with the presence of 3 Muslims girls. I mean, us, 'moslems' in a strong Christian family's house, aren't you supposed to be in an islamophobic state? Well I guess when you understand religion, you don't have to feel fear for anything but God.

Prior to going to that house, we were at her friend's house. Okay so her friend, is a guy with one wife and I think 5 kids. The house that we had our dinner was his parents' house. So it's like a traditional culture of coming back to kampung to celebrate their 'Raya.'

At his house, we were sat in his cozy living room, getting to know each other. Well, without a cuppa tea it was awkward...but things went well, the couple were friendly, talkative, and very open to sharing their thoughts on religion.

Now it's almost time for dinner, we gotta leave the house by car to his parents', where all family members will gather. Since one car wasn't enough, my friends and I had to choose to ride with the wifey - awkward, because although she is friendly, but her face was tired when we entered her house. It was as if we are an add-on burden to her. Of course, 5 kids, the burden to the in-laws, expectation for an important feast...that hassle of being a full-time mom and still gotta look like angel fresh from heaven...and now, 3 moslem girls? 

I was nervous at first in the car. But turned out she is friendly. So we talked and talked, and eventually she revealed her history. She was a top student at her college, graduated with a degree. I bet she perhaps was a summa holder. And she went on to talk about her marriage, starting with meeting her soon-husband on a friend-arranged meet up, riding his bike around town, sound like so much in love. And decide to 'settle down' and be a full-time mom.

I thought, what a waste. She could've been a CEO by now, having an empire of her own, a closet as huge as her house just for shoe racks, and all the Pradas, MKs, and Tag Heuers in the world. She looked like she's in her thirties.

I mentioned to her, when she asked about marriage, that I think marriage is the end to my freedom. I don't want, at least in the near future. Then she said something that have made me ponder till this day. Her words, two years ago, still new and fresh to my ears.

"Marriage is freedom."


HEHZ???





Selepas.


Hikhik can't wait. 




Semasa.




But really, for friends who got married lately, really you really need to promote your marriage life at public space? I mean I really don't mind if you get all high with your spouse at public, but not in public - Facebook, etc. 

 I know and truly understand you're happy, finally its halal for you to touch each other, hijab off, baby. 

But really? 

Some people might have been desperately trying to handle their goal towards a halal relationship. But because of religion and culture (and culture weighs the most, the culprit), these desperate, tortured souls have to hold back for a while.

I know someone who had to wait 12 freakin' years to get married with whom she believe truly her Mister Right. If I were her and not that strong, I would've two PhDs completed. Alhamdulillah she's amazing. And her husband too, for having to hold that manly lust for one girl when he can already got a grandson by then.

Opening Facebook is not to see any of your happy story. Well, of course, I'm happy you're happy. I am jubilant, in fact, because I know someone who at least live a life like another normal human being. I am exuberant to be a friend to yet another human. I am happy I am in the right society.

But really...all I wanted to see on my news feed is current news in my country and the rest of the world, interesting articles with eye-poppin' headlines from the Huff or Buzzfeed. And perhaps some quirky status from genius (read:weird) friends.

Ain't love supposed to be private, intense and intimate? If that is love than I need to find or create a word that represent so.

Some people perhaps have been trying for eons to get just one child. And there you just posted you fifteenth baby. It's sunnah to announce a birth, but proof is not necessary.


I may be sounding like a person with a dark hasad, jealous of everything. But I'm just another person looking at you from a side that you never saw maybe. I did upload several pictures of me in the States, but most of them just to share the beautiful sights. And I know perhaps someone did complain of my actions. But I think I did it moderately, but if I'm not, please tell me and help me to change.

Eventually, the 'unfollow' button is really helpful. Thank God and thank Zuckerberg.

It is of course a stupidity to satisfy everyone. But isn't a moderate step (to show off in public) is enough to live life to the fullest?



Back to selepas, actually, I do am looking forward to live with you.
  Marriage is not 'settling down'
  It's moving forward, faster even. 



 
 

Apelah

Di kesempatan selepas menyiapkan esei 17 pages (sorta), aku nak meluahkan perasaan bengkek yang masih membengkak.


Mid-semester 1 week break: Siap slides untuk individual presentation. Tinggal nak relate chapter 1and 3 je dengan chapter yang aku bakal present. Hehz. Feel like a superstar.

Week 10: Helped prepare presenters list for lecturer. I'm so psyched that I'm gonna be in the first week. Can't wait to get it done. Slides are very beautifully done (minimalist concept with a theme of turquoise) 

Week 11, Tuesday, 9-4.30: Can't wait to presentttt! Re-read chapters 1 & 3, scan through my chapter. Update slides, prepared speech card. Did practices but only up to 10 minutes so far...need to improve speed of speech later. But I AM READY!

Week 11, Tuesday, 9.01 PM: Class dismissed. "Honey, lovee please continue next week yah...!"

*^A&768^**##^8!!!!



Dahlerrrr kerja aku banyakkk lagi. Memang aku suka pun prepare for a freakin' 3 weeks, now top-up with another week. 

Encik T (upgrade ke abjad lain setelah beliau mempersembahkan sebentuk cincin hehe mekaceh) kata takpala, nanti boleh terus present ja.

No, nehi. I'm the kind who was taught that to present, prepare at least for 1 hour of speech practice. Yes of course anyone can give a speech, but my case might be different. I like to prepare. I don't want to end up rambling.

Anyway, memang membengangkan. Stres betul nak present next week. Dah jadi tak suke. Tak sukeee tak sukeeeeeeeeee. 
 

Akh Ir

Lawak lame.

Actually nak tulis 'akhir' but somehow looking the word from different point of view, jadi akhi bernama Ir. Atau akhi itu ada pangkat engineer IR. -;-


Alhamdulillah dah bergelar tunang orang SECARA ofisial - Islamically speaking and also in a Malay sense. Hehe. Tak sia-sia aku menaip pos-pos sebelum ini yang sungguh menyayat hati.

Interestingly, kawan aku pun pernah dalam situasi yang sama sebelum dia bertunang. She had to push not-yet-her man to make that move - with almost a similar effort. Kalau idok, ish...either menunggu sampai muka licin tumbuh bulu lebat atau baik tak payoh langsung.

Anyways ini bukan cerita nak disampaikan.
Apa-apa pung, terima kasih Encik. HEHE. :3





Duhai blog,

When you are working, you feel like you wanna be a student again (testimoni dari ramai rakan yang telah bekerja)

And when you're back studying, you feel like you wanna work cuz you just can't stand doing...

 1. A 10-page minimum essay on Thomas Kuhn's mind. 
- Dude, I can't even understand myself now I have to study another person's head?
- Actually, I chose Kuhn as my topic.
- Cuz every good choices has been taken. Seelowe.

2. An unknown page number of essay on Sustainability
- Problem #01: the minimum page requirement is unknown. 
- Expectation: A paper of several pages.

3. An unknown page number of essay on Japan catching-up process.
- Problem #01: I think I know the minimum page requirement but somehow forgotten. I even forget if I have jotted in down...somewhere.

4.  A 5-page paper on Taiwan
- Problem #01: It's a work for group of twos.
- Problem #02: None of us has decided to focus on what.

5. Mundane research project proposal.
- Problem #01: Mundane.

...and everything is due in 4 weeks time. 






... 

antara "tidak sabar" dan "menjaga maruah/agama"

 You know what...after a series of similar cases, I can conclude that I am a weakling. 


Kenapa kebanyakan perempuan memilih lelaki kaya?

Banyakkan kita baca atau dengar, perempuan ni dah lama berkasih dengan seorang lelaki. Eventually she leaves him for a richer guy. Pastu ramailah orang marah sebab perempuan ni mata duitan, materialistik. Lelaki itulah mangsa keadaan, mangsa daripada perempuan yang tak tahu bersyukur.

Tapi tak ramai orang akan fikir, yang possibly perempuan tu buat macam tu sebab dia nak selamatkan maruah (dan possibly agama) dia.


Tangguh, tangguh kahwin. Janji itu janji ini. Sedangkan semut pun tak percaya janji Nabi Sulaiman. Janji nabi tuh, semut cekotet tu boleh tak caya. Inikan sesama manusia. Kalau dia percaya pun, mungkin sampai satu tahap, akan fed up.


Lelaki, tak kira sebaik mana pun, kalau tak nikahi perempuan yang dia dah 'cop', be responsible, man up, tetap perempuan pandang senteng. Kisah sebenar dari beberapa teman pun dah buat aku meluat, inikan pulak jadi kat diri sendiri. Unless, lainlah kalau perempuan tu sendiri yang mintak tangguh, dengan serius. Kalau dia jenis diam, maksudnye dia sedang memerhati, menunggu bila nak ditanya, dan menanti sampai bila sabar dia hilang.


Maybe bagi dia, 4, 5 tahun tak mengapa. Bagi aku, tak. Itu masa yang kau tanggung seorang dahulu.
Setahun, simpan pendam, OK, boleh tahan. 3, 6, 12, 30 tahun? Nak berapa lama lagi.


Katanya Ogos. Hm. Susah nak percaya.




Apakata. Just stay away from me. If we're lucky, all stars align, then we will meet, and possibly that time, if I am still single - which is possible since...dah kena macam ni 2 kali baik aku membujang terus - and you're braver, bolder, then you may re-ask for my hand.


Now, why I am the one crying non-stop?

Kan bagus kalau dah sah. Boleh peluk.














:(
Hi blog. Tak tahu kepada siapa nak luahkan huhu. Harap takde orang baca.
Anyways.

Makin rindu. Tapi makin benci. Makin benci yang makin nak tegas makin rindu.
Kalau tak tegas, I don't think he will ever get the message. The proof is, until now I am not getting any definite date. 

I don't like to be toy around like this. Pernah kena, jadi memangla aku makin berjaga-jaga.


Lemah. Bila lemah, rasa nak text, cepat-cepat tegaskan diri balik.
Ah kate jelah aku egois. Tapi kalau tak buat macam ni, apa progres nye?


Aku ada banyak lagi benda lain nak fikir. Ini dah week 7, separuh semester dah berlalu.
Dahlah memang sedia ada pressure untuk perform, ini tambah lagi dengan pressure daripada satu uncertainty. 

I thought you know me?






Tak faham kenapa choose untuk berkapel. We are. Don't deny it.
"Tunang" is just another word to make it sound more (or less?) legit.
  
Hakikatnya, aku tetap tak boleh peluk kau sebaik keluar dari dewan konvokesyen nanti.
Sedangkan itu harapan paling besar dan hadiah paling bermakna.

pre-menopausal symptom

OK I might be too young to even spell that word but still. I think I'm having a pre-premenopausal symptom. 


Menopause is usually experienced by ladies of age 50 years and above. So, premenopause is probably during the middle to late age of 40s. Hence, a pre-premenopause is probably from...late 30s to early 40s. Arakian, a pre-prepremenopause is undoubtedly, based on my legit calculation here, is early to middle 30s, and a pre-preprepremenopause is...middle to late 20s. Considering I am 23 now so...the title up there should be..."pre-prepreprepremenopausal symptom." 


Sakit pinggang habaq hang. Masuk hari ini dah 4 hari. EMPAT hari sakit pinggang dan ini, ini langsung tiada kaitan dengan senggugut. Nak study tak leh nak fokus sangat. Maka aku pun masuk blog eceh entah apa beza blogging dengan study pun entahlah, dua-dua hadap surface gak.


Rasa macam nak lipat je badan ni. Jenuh aku pusing kanan, pusing kiri kasi ketak ketak pinggang. Adelah bunyi tapi sakit masih ada.

Aku hanya perlu someone untuk lipat badan aku. Macam patahkan ranting jadi dua...haaaa barulah lega rasenye.

Lembab 'n Furious

Bukak Facebook, terserempak dengan post seorang kawan ni...pasal traffic jam.

Katenye LA jam, NYC jam, KL jam. Dan di situ ada attached link berita tentang traffic jam yaampun panjang nak meninggal di China.

Aku takde pengalaman di LA...I think so. I can't remember at which part of my last winter trip yang ada jam 3 jam kat lebuhraya...maybe LA lah kot. 3 jam waktu siang takpe, ni dah sampai 2 pagi baru kereta bergerak lancar ape cer. Seb baik ada Linkin Park...dapatla aku melalak. Waktu tu aku dah tak peduli dah siapa tidur siapa berjaga dalam kereta. Janji bukan aku yang tidur huh mampuihler. Tapi...tetapi...aku ada pengalaman sebagai survivor di NYC dan KL (so far).

NYC
Aku ada seorang classmate yang obses over NYC. Not sure why...but tiap kali nampak aku mesti tanya pasal kota tu. Anyways, kembali kepada topik.

Yes memang NYC sesak. Macam mana dalam muvi, dalam tv, macam itulah depan mata. Bukan je kereta, beca ada, basikal pun ada. Motor...maybe not many...maybe ada. Aku tak perasan pulak. Tapi kalau ada pun, takkan sebanyak bilangan motor kat Malaysia ni.

Takkan dengar banyak sangat honking actually. Unless you're a very careless driver, atau lampu hijau dah 2 saat menyala tapi baru nak masuk gear D. Kereta memang berpusu-pusu. Kadang sangat rapat. Alhamdulillah setakat di NYC belum pernah accident lagi.

Walaupun dalam negeri yang sama, peraturan jalan lain sikit antara Buffalo dengan NYC. Di Buffalo, atau di western atau upstate, boleh belok kanan even when traffic light merah. Tapi tak di NYC. Cayalah...sebab aku kena tahan polis sebab selamberdek je belok kanan. Bila kena tahan tu...hehe...aku cakaplah aku bukan dari this state..."yeah you can look at my car plate (insert muka kesian)." Plet kereta Pennsylvania. Eceh nasib baikkkk dia tahan tepi jalan dari dalam kereta je...kalau dia turun tu mau aku kena hulur ID...kantoi state New York. Oh wells,...I was not from 'this' state anyway hehe.

Drivers di NYC takdelah kuraja kuasam. Like...expectedlah why they behave so. Aku belum pernah lagi dapat the finger daripada New York drivers. From NJ adelah. Ntah nape ntah orang NJ ni...ape masalahnye ntah. Dan mereka jugalah yang paling suka honk  orang. Pft.

Uih, bab nak parkir kat NYC - usahkan NYC, even di Hoboken pun shushah - ni yang paling menyampah. Side parking spots are always...always...full. They are of course cheaper. Cheap things def sell fast. 

Unless you're so lucky, you probably won't get a very nice side parking. Kalau camtu, kena parkir dalam bangunan. Which is very costly...like...$30 or so or more, costly. Tapi yang untungnya, akan ada valet untuk parkirkan kereta, kadang-kadang ada yang ambikkan kereta sewaktu nak keluar. Plus, tak perlu risau kereta kena hujan atau tak. Plus plus, tak perlu lari 1 km dari 53rd street (psttt kat sini ada 3 stalls Halal Guys! omaigoddd nak makannnn onomonom) sebab parkir di tepi jalan 43rd street, untuk top up meter parkir. Dan dan...biasanya perbelanjaan sebanyak $30 tu untuk parkir sehingga lewat petang atau awal malam. Terserahlah, sama ada sanggup timing waktu jejalan di NYC semata-mata nak jimat parkir, atau sanggup bayar mahal, asalkan hati senang, anytime suka hati bila nak beredar dari bandar ni (well, takdelah suka hati...just can park longer without having to adjust meter all the time).

All in all, driving in NYC is not bad at all. The cars are plenty, of course. But the drivers are fundamentally well-behaved.  Traffic jams, if there is one, will be for a few minutes only. Oklah. Stuck in a traffic jam pun setakat kat Time Square sebab ramai sangat orang kat situ. Nak lengang sikit datanglah waktu musim salju atau awal musim salju.


KL
Uih bawak kereta di KL ni boleh menggelapkan dan mengotorkan hati.

Kalau bawak di area KL ni macam-macam ill feelings hado. Dengki, khianat, dendam, amarah, geram, bengkek...semua species ni ada. 

OK aku cerita based on pengalaman memandu aku dalam perjalanan pergi ke kelas. Perjalanan pergi ni aku lebih agresif sebab aku nak cepat sampai, of course. Perjalanan pulang aku lebih lenient, baik je. Purata untuk sampai ke kelas adalah 30 minit, manakala purata sampai rumah adalah 40 minit, dan ini disebabkan traffic jam memandangkan waktu aku pulang adalah waktu semua orang balik rumah masing-masing.

So, on the way nak pergi kelas, akan ada traffic jam dekat satu simpang ni. Aku sengaja pilih jalan ni, although arguably lebih jauh, bak kata seseorang, sebab jalan ni takde tol. Jalan ni overall, tak banyak simpang siur dan banyak melibatkan lebuh raya, jadi aku happy sebab aku boleh memecut, paling minima pun, 60-70 km/h.

Berbalik kepada traffic jam tu. Pada kebiasaannya aku akan menyimpang ke kanan sikit sebab lorong paling kiri, walaupun clear, tapi sebenarnya jalan kiri tu ditutup kat depan sikit. Nak tak nak kenderaan yang laju meluncur macho di kiri kena masuk kanan balik sebab dah takde jalan nak jalan.  Ha yang bikin panas ini. Orang lain elok je sabar beratur. Ni selamber dek je potong line pastu ade hati nak sibuk menyimpang masuk kanan balik. Coi.

OK, kadang-kadang adelah bersangka baik jugak. Maybe ini kali pertama orang tu guna jalan ni. Tu yang tak tahu depan tu dead end. Tapi sangkaan baik ni puiiiing jadi asap bila masuk menyimpang belah kanan, tak kasi signal. Ape, signal ko rosak ke broh?

Sebagai balasannye, aku akan direct kereta aku ke arah mencium bontot kereta depan. Hehz. Ade hati nak potong. Pirahhh. Beratur le belakang aku ha.


Jadi, begitulah al-kisah hati yang suci ini menjadi kotor, sedikit demi sedikit, semenjak hidup di kotaraya Kuala Lumpur.

Konklusi, traffic jam ni unavoidable. Even kat kawasan pedalaman pun leh jadi. So, hargailah waktu dalam kenderaan. Kalau itu waktu yang sesuai nak test vocal, why not? 

Reput menunggu dalam traffic jam - sekadar hiasan je

:(

Hm.

Dulu aku selesa je jadi loner. Seldom do I felt lonely - ahh c'mon loners lone rangers dan sewaktu dengannya, sometimes we do feel lonely.

Not all people are people-person. Sometimes, actually most of the time, our type like to stay alone. Be with ourselves and our thoughts. Do things we love without having to wait for another person to catch up with our pace, without having to consider whether he or she is bored or not, without anything holding us back from doing what we like. Watch whatever we like, eat whatever we love, buy anything we admire. Go anywhere our heart wants. Infinite freedom. And that is totally OKAY, it is fine. It is you. It is us. Allah did not create one man with one character, one attitude.

Some of us maybe extroverts. But, like Superman, most of the time we are in our hiding places. We come out whenever needed, and when we feel ready. Many would think non-people persons are introverts. Though I think it is partly true, some introverts can be very people-attached. Our kind is special. We can be with all, but we have a few close ones. If we choose to be lonely, it would be with these people. Either them, or alone with ourselves. 

But many people misinterpret that. Thinking, assuming, we like to be alone, and lonely, all the time, forever. Nobody likes to be alone forever. No man is an island.

Lately, that feeling is becoming more immense. 

It bothers me when I am spending most of my time, feeling happy and smiling, with an iPhone. Okay...tengah menangis sambil menaip ni. Dahla lagu Ed Sheeran tengah berputar di playlist YouTube. Great. 



Why are you so far away? Why are we not together yet? 
Why can't you understand? Do you feel the same?
Why are you so cruel? You made me fall for you bit by bit - and yet again, previous episodes, previous history, are replaying -, but why are you not here, be responsible for what you have done? 

I know it's not your fault...
I know, I understand.
You don't have to answer all that. I don't need a word from you.
Just your presence. It will answer all. 

Why am I so weak?
God, I hate this weak-me.

I should be your backbone, aite?
I should be stronger.
Honest, I don't like dragging you along into this deep, dark hole.
You're a happiness, and should stay that way.  

But, then again,
whenever I wanna be stronger,
the thought of you weakens my heart.

I am not simply being poetic here.
Cannot be more truthful than I am now.


...
Why are you so far?





Dulu,
Dulula...aku selalu rasa nak tinggal sendiri.
Bebas.


But now, entering this phase, untuk hidup by myself is not as exciting as it used to be. Maybe it is not as comfortable, fulfilling, as living in the States. As living at Buffalo. 

Susah nak cari gym. Guna Google pun tak dapat results yang banyak. Hampir semua carian lead to Facebook links, and of course I cannot open Facebook using a PC because of the silly code generator. Of course I registered my US phone number and of course I cannot receive text to initiate code generator. Of course.

Of course aku selalu terperap dalam rumah, atau di makmal komputer UM. Kalau dah bosan sangat, window shopping di Aeon. Nak keluar kena pikir masak-masak, berbaloi tak aku keluar, minyak mahal. Parking pun tak semestinya ada. Belum masuk traffic jam lagi. Paling aku tak suka, udara ekzos di kawasan ni. Dan panasnya ya ampun. Tak suka peluh melekit. Aku tak selesa pulang ke negara sendiri. Tempat ini asing. 

Kata jelah aku ngada-ngada or whatever - Encik K suka kata camni, kan Encik K? Hehz. Aku boleh argue balik yang kau, kau dan kau tak pernah tinggal di satu tempat selama 3 tahun tak balik-balik. Dari English aku tersepit-sepit sampai cakap pun tersembur air liur, sampailah ke English aku getting better, dari tak tahu macam mana nak survive hidup di negara orang, sampailah aku hafal shortcuts di Buffalo. I very truly grew up there.



Dan aku belum lagi mencari guru untuk betulkan tajwid aku.
Hidup yang core ni pun masih belum stabil, tak sempat lagi nak invest waktu untuk hal-hal additional decorations.






I am too used to Buffalo. I wanna be back there. :'(
Give it sometime Far. 
You'll get superr busy that you'll surprise yourself when you re-read this post. 

Hey there Delilah,

What's it like in New York City,

I'm a thousand miles away

But, girl, tonight you look so pretty...

Yes you do

Kehadapan perotku...

  

Entah sampai bila nak stay macam ni. 

Semenjak pulang, perut tak menentu ragam. Makan nasi, tak jalan. Kadang-kadang je makan. Paling berselera bila makan mi. Itupun kadang-kadang naik angin jugak. Lepas tu muntah. 

Kalau minum teh feveret mak (dan pastilah mak selalu bancuh lepas tu paksarela minum), mesti perut berangin. Lepas tu loya (like now happening...).

Paling kenyang pabila makan pizza cekotet (ok like seriously Malaysia, kenapa saiz piza sini kecikkk), atau burger, atau KFC set B atau D, atau Secret Recipe's chicken cornish. Bila makan mereka-mereka ni, perut kenyang, hati gembira, angin pun tada. Tapi nak makan hari-hari memang takla. Cash flow tidak mengizinkan...

Mengadu kat mak, mak kata perut tak sesuai lagi dengan makanan kat Malaysia ni. Iyelah, balik-balik je dua minggu lepas tu puasa. Perut masih terkejut.

Dah tak ada dah egg 'n cheese on a croissant, mahupun kopi pelbagai perisa dengan creamer pelbagai rasa, atau roti Kosher dipanggang sendiri dengan garlic butter dengan EVOO. Dah tak ada easy access kepada brokoli dan pelbagai keturunan daun salad. :( 

Mengadu kat Encik K, katanya aku yang mengada. OK agak sedih di situ sebab bakal suri hidup boleh tak caye perut aku camni. Mentang-mentang Encik K jenis manusia lasak masuk boy scout zaman sekolah dulu, so dia expect kita ni sejenis dengan dia. Huh. 

Oh. Hm. Aku lupa.

Lupa mengadu kat Tuhan. 

Aiseymen.

Di Buffalo, rindu KK.
Di KK, rindu Buffalo.

Apakah.






Rindu hidup bujang sebenarnya. I mean, not that I am someone's wife, but hidup without parents, without family being too close. I really appreciate my time growing up by myself. I can judge, and truly grow. Kun anta, bak kata pak Arab fofular tu.

Alhamdulillah I earned myself two bachelor's degrees. Graduated with magna cum laude, which was my target. I got myself an Honors regalia. But I am not proud by either of them. 

The thing that I am proud the most is being able to have all those, while being able to survive by myself. I am proud that I can install electricity, gas and WiFi connection at my house, while I was alone. Nobody helped my. I cleaned my residence, so that anyone who enters it could feel comfortable. And I had a neighbor who were eased with my presence. I am proud cuz I had overcome all challenges,  and still got what I wanted.

Alhamdulillah.
Tapi semua tu takkan terjadi kalau takde orang yang paling kurang, tunjukkan kat aku kat mana pejabat elektrik, atau ajar aku macam mana nak guna drier. May Allah reward all those people who taught me life.






Aish rindu disiplin hidup aku dulu.
Rindu bangun awal, pergi bancuh kopi.
Macam-macam bau kopi. Kopi terakhir aku berperisa dan berbau pecan.


Rindu basikal cabok aku.
Asal kayuh je berbunyi.
Kalau bunyi pelan takpela ini sampai nu jauh 2 blok dapat dengar.


Rindu menghadap cermin tingkap bilik.
Overlooking backyard.

Rindu jalan ke sekolah.

Acano nak jadi kaya ni

TENSEN BETOI APSAL SEMUA ORANG SURUH AKU AMBIK PHD NIIIIIH.



OK.




Entahlah mungkin aku dah malas belajar.
Tapi tak jugak.

Rant seorang penganggur part time.

Hangin.

Punyalah niat Ramadan untuk bayar bil telefon aku suci bersih ikhlas,
namun dihalang dek "Secure Connection Failed" acap kali aku menekan butang nak membayar melalui akaun simpanan. Kalau guna Visa, boleh pulak tapi masalahnya aku belum tukar kad bank ke Visa lagi. Kad bank masih lapuk. Dahla lapo ni. Lapo tau lapo. Eceh malas nak berjalan ke dapur membuat secangkir Vico sebenarnya.

Sabau jela. Esoklah nampaknya. Kena tunggu opis bukak gamaknya walaupun dah ada kemudahan atas talian. Apekehe.

Okay, not a very positive way of opening a post.

Anyways.


Dah  3 minggu semenjak pulang ke Malaysia. Dua minggu duduk rumah tak buat pa, duk maen game dengan baca buku. Maen game pun buhsan...maka dah lebih seminggu tergendala hasil cucuk tanaman tak diambil, pekan kecil aku Annaville dah tak diselenggara dengan baik. Mungkin macam inila yang dilalui oleh ketua-ketua daerah/kawasan yang tak berdisiplin. Huhu. Sah aku tak boleh masuk politik.

Lepas 2 minggu, baru start cari kerja sambilan. Kerja cikgu tuisyen on-call. Haaa...ingat doktor je ade on call ke. Alhamdulillah setakat ni adelah mengajar (baca: substitute) 2 hari, satu hari tu English, satu lagi Modern Maths. Lepaslah untuk duit minyak kereta dan nak bayar bil telefon (yang tak dibayar lagi sebab servis tahpape. Kufur nikmat. Waktu bil diuruskan oleh Encik al-W dahulu kala tak bayar ikut masa. Tula hang, dulu bil orang uruskan hang malaih nak bayaq...bukan malaih ya Encik al-W, tapi lupa. Serius. Terima kasih bagi diskaun).

Pastu, sepanjang 3 minggu ni duk makan megi. Tiga tahun makan megi dengan kuota berkala mana puas beb. Dulu zaman hidup di Malaysia, amalan after exam aku pasti makan megi. Konon nak break the nerdy habit dengan mengembangbiak benih-benih kejahilan dalam sel otak. Tapi sekarang ni kira qada' megi lah ni. Sebelum masuk sekolah balik baik aku pulun pueh pueh. Amaran: danger makan megi nanti rambut guguq. Amaran kepada amaran: Tiada kesahihan untuk maklumat ini. Sekadar acah-acah manja amaran jangan makan megi selalu.

Walaupun path hidup aku macam dah cun, tapi tetap rasa something is missing. Like I'm not on the right track. Motif hidup aku lain. Adelah cita-cita aku tapi sebab mak aku dan sebab Encik Komitmen, aku ambik jalan yang lain macam sikit. Aku harap the road not taken ni will take me somewhere awesomer. 

Sambil-sambil menunggu masuk sekolah baru, aku rasa nak apply buat something. Biasalah fresh grad mata duitan. Nak settle path hidup cepat sebab aku nak share hidup dengan Encik Komitmen dah in shaa allah.


Diharap Encik Komitmen faham kenapa diri ini menyepi dan macam feelingless je. Atas special request for Ramadan (diharap berterusan hendaknya, sampailah...sampai), dan atas nak fokus pada jalan not taken ni, dan atas sebab diri dah terbiasa merindu (rindu for real true story, bukan sekadar aksara romawi).

Rindu jela yang mampu. Hang bukan halal lagi huh. Kisah tragis seorang #penunggu.


 ---

Momen berlalu tibbah dapat idea.
Encik Komitmen lama-lama nanti aku taip jadi Encik K, pastu lamaaa lagi terus jadi EK. Wah wah macam DK. Kot kot jadi DK one day aite mate? Tapi  by then kena tukar nama asal jadi DMIMI harhar hambar.

Sah aku kena cari kerja segera. Memenuhi ruangan kosong dalam otak ni.

 EK, hang jangan ingat cek tak cek gsheet tu. 

No feelings.

Sebelum-sebelum ini aku tak perasan,
but lately, since I'm getting older, I realize bit by bit that everyone has a little demon in themselves.


Aku mula sedar yang aku kurang memberi perhatian kepada sesuatu semenjak aku mengenal seseorang ni. Pada awalnya aku masih ignore pesanannya. Though nasihatnya ikhlas, tapi kurang mengena hati aku. Bukan salah dia, tapi salah aku. Dia nampak aku agak materialistic, which I'm not denying - and hey, that's a very good observation there. Keen eye, brother - dan dia nampak kurangnya aku di part itu.

Mungkin sebab childhood yang aku lalui, menjadikan itu kekurangan aku. Beb, kenalah ada kekurangan ye dok. Dah semua nampak perfect, tapi memandangkan aku masih di dunia, kalau tak ade kekurangan, jadi imperfect pulak.


Kasih sayang.

Mungkin aku banyak dapat dari sekeliling, semenjak kecil, menjadikan aku manusia yang terbiasa menerima dan kekok memberinya. Lebih tepat, kedekut perasaan.

Dia, mungkin, kurang menerimanya sewaktu dahulu, lalu menjadi orang yang ingin mendapatkannya. Lalu dia membuat pelaburan. Dia memberi sebanyak-banyak kasih sayang kepada orang di sekelilingnya dengan harapan mendapat pulangan pelaburan itu. Biar sedikit, janji dapat. Dan aku katakan begini bukan untuk meletak dia pada taraf bawah yang rendah, tapi sekadar pemerhatian aku. Yang aku lihat dia pada strata yang mulia. Siapa tak suka penyayang?


Ini hanyalah observation aku yang baru hidup 20-an tahun, dan hanya memiliki ijazah komunikasi dengan limited psychology courses taken. Itu pun, paling tinggi, psych level 400. Itu pun, kelas tentang cara nak buat research. Bukan nak kata pemerhatian aku tak boleh pakai langsung, tapi mungkin hanya boleh diguna sebagai sekadar sandaran, atau sebagai permulaan untuk berfikir tentang kenapa orang-orang di sekeliling mempunyai sikap-sikap dan karakter tertentu.

Link semula dengan childhood. No wonder Sigmund Freud with his annoying theories related to childhood. 

Kadang-kadang entah bagaimana nak express. He said, "jangan...nanti menyesal." Dan selalunya aku terdiam, atau menyambung dengan "tapi..." Bila jauh ada rasa kasihan, bercampur baur dengan rindu dan ingin aku tunjukkan/balaskan kasih sayang itu. Tapi bila dekat...oh my God...rasa macam dalam oven 200 degree Celsius. 

Entah bagaimana nak ubah.
Aku nak berubah tapi....see...tapi lagi.
"Tapi" ini bukan sebarang tapi. Tapi yang paling berat bagi aku.

Malu.
Malu aku dengan dia yang penuh kasih sayang.
Kalaulah aku boleh study hati dia. Kasih sayang for dummies.

Terbeban.
Sebab mungkin ini harga untuk syurga, tapi liat aku membayar installment. 

Hopeless.
Hopeless sebab aku mungkin tak akan jadi macam mak aku.
Untuk mak aku jadi mak aku macam hari ini pun makan bertahun-tahun, inikan aku. Darah muda, cepat tercabar, tak suka mengalah. Hanya iman yang tebal mampu lenturkan tapi aku sendiri terumbang-ambing menjaganya.


Entahlah.

"La yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha"

Ribu riban kali aku ulang dalam hati.

Dalam solat.

Dalam doa.

Kala dudu-duduk termenung.

Kala duduk meredakan marah, panas dalam hati.

Menyorok di balik bayang di satu sudut rumah kayu.

Kadang mempersoal Tuhan.

 
Andai aku tahu apa dalam kitab amalan aku,
I wish to know whether this healing mechanism is working or not.

You, please help me. Don't leave me even in my worst condition.

Motivasi.

What's motivation?

I feel fire upon seeing those names and positions, working, working working for KN.

While listening to Rihanna's Diamonds. Such worldly success. That urge, ecstasy. Drugged, spiked.
Sometimes in dilemma, too much of the world where's my peaceful time on that prayer mat? But when all hope is gone what's there left to keep on reaching the top?

Go there faster, walk, run, hop. Whatever it takes, so that I can rest early.

Masa.

Jadi melalui buku Talbis Iblis aku memperoleh satu pencerahan yang Waktu adalah sejenis makhluk.



Waktu adalah satu ciptaan. Aku mengetahui hal ini melalui satu sesi usrah dahulu kala. Tapi aku tak sedar ia adalah ciptaan untuk manusia. Jadi, Waktu adalah makhluk, amanat, yang dipertanggungjawabkan ke atas manusia.

Dan untuk segala yang dipertanggungjawabkan, akan ada soalan.

No wonderlah ada hadis spoiler tentang soalan di Padang Mahsyar nanti. Tentang umur, tentang Waktu, di mana dihabiskan.



Sometimes aku nak sangat tahu, macam mana para sahabat hidup dulu. Dulu mana ada Netflix. Mana ada Astro. Mana ada YouTube. Facebook. Tempat-tempat orang muda-mudi macam aku ni selalu habiskan masa. Lokasi-lokasi untuk merehatkan minda, untuk hiburkan diri.

Apa ek dorang buat untuk bergumbira dulu? Takkanlah beribadat je kot...mungkin. Who knows. Beza antara kita dengan mereka teramat jauh, lebih jauh antara galaksi ini dengan galaksi jiran. Dosa kecil pada kita ibarat lalat hinggap di hidung. Pada mereka, dosa kecil selayaknya mati.

Aku nakkkk sangat tahu apa yang Saidatina Fatimah r.a. buat hari-hari, sampai penat. Sampai tangan kasar. Time tu takde losyen lagi ke...huhu (OK tak payah jawab, retorik). Sampai tak makan 3 hari. Puasa straight 3 hari dengan beriftarkan kurma sebijik. Sampai keluar hadis 3 zikir 33 kali tu.  

Sungguh aku belum lagi mampu. Aku tak tahu if I can even get to that level.

Taken.

Baru-baru ini aku sedar yang bukan mudah nak persevere atas satu jalan.

Antara janji dan Tuhan.

Antara satu kepastian dan Tuhan.

Antara apa yang ada dalam hati dan Tuhan.

Bukan selalu Tuhan yang menang. 

Kalau menang pun, fuh, bukan menang yang senang.

Tapi kena fightlah.

Kata nak masuk syurga.

Tinggalkan yang haram, Allah akan ganti dengan yang halal.

"Tanda 'tak rasmi' dan sementara." "Tanda" apa agaknya? HAHAHA.

                                                                                   

Persevere, ace. And I hope you too.



---



Hm...okay. Tulisan ini adalah addition sehari selepas rangkap-rangkap di atas. (Rangkap-rangkap di atas ditaip tatkala menunggu bas untuk pulang dari kelas di pekanbawah. Maaf, Blogger di aifon tidak memberi keupayaan kepada saya untuk mengitalikan perkataan-perkataan Inggeris.)

Somehow aku rasa dari segi emosi, aku masih belum matang. Kot. Entah. Aku suka pendam sebab malas nak layan. Tapi bila memberat, aku meletup. Pastu tulis kat blog. Amendela. Get a grip Far.

Anyways.

Aku harap seseorang itu terus jadi insan baik yang he is and meant to be. Let me be the devil but then that kinda defeat the purpose of choosing me and defeat my own purpose of wanting to avoid hellfire.

Let me be the bad-ass one anyhue. 

Deep down I know I'm not perfect. Well you can say that to my face, slap me with reality.
Deep down I know that I'm too rigid at times. Just because I am a fan of this one Companion, who was really just and fair in reigning his life. Maybe I admire Saidina Umar too much that I may have missed to see that, apart from his strict nature, he is also a really nice Muslim, and that if I do adore him, I should strive to be nice. Maybe I should start by ... loving a cat? My neighbor has cats so maybe I can start...petting them? With gloves. Many times I failed to follow his footsteps. To stay firm, far away from devil's temptation and deceit. And as much as that, I punished myself by becoming more firm. I guess this is a good time to create a new du'a. If I can enter heaven, I wanna meet him and book a coffee time with him. Have a chat, and before we depart, take a photo with him, let him sign the photo first, the I'll let him go. Haha. Yelahhh kau.


Deep down I know I have tarnished your dreams to have this stage of your life perfectly crafted in accordance with the syara'. 
And as far as I imagined mine would be, you have done the same too. 
But I'm the bummer here because I should be the strong one. I'm not sure how far can a female be the weakness of a man, I never experimented this notion before. But to stay safe, I'm avoiding the fire here. 


We hear various love stories. Some had a good start, inviting barakah into the household. Some, well, might be shaky at the beginning. But only Allah knows what those couples have now. We can only assume the good. I know you want that too. I'm doing my best here. We have different backgrounds and expectations. I don't wanna say "I'm sorry" anymore. I do, I am sorry. But sorry alone without actions to remedy the situation is not an absolute apology. Thus I'm sorry. I'll fix everything. I am fixing. Tapi tak bolehlah nak rush into things. Tikus boleh je membaiki labu, if only people don't stress the mouse with time too much.


I'm not sure where this is heading. I'm letting the kite to soar free in the sky. Though the string seems strong to me, but I have to prepare if there is a need be for a crash. Tawakkal and living it cool. Yeah. If this is the story that I [or we] shall  present to God, then let it be known there I've [we've] done my [our] best to follow His rules.


Okay jap...ada satu lawak ni aku yang aku rasa...haha. Entahapehape. Okay I actually have this one thought...yang lelaki semuanya nak bidadari di syurga. I mean, c'mon. If I were a man, of course I would want one. The untouched beauty. Unbeknownst to anyone, just for me. Created just for me. Wah.


So katakanlah lelaki ni berkahwin di dunia. Nanti kat syurga dia boleh ceraikan isteri dunia dia. Haha. Isteri dia pun nak enjoy syurga. Who knows to what degree of handsomeness a guy servant in Jannah could own. Pastu nak gi clubbing kat jannah. Jap...I wonder...say...is there any possibility for me to go to Ed Sheeran's gig di jannah? Aku doakan dia jadi muslim haha. But wait...is there like an angel boy band in heaven? Is there anything like the worldly entertainment in jannah? Hmm...I have to increase my knowledge in this rabbi zidni ilma. As for now, assobrun jamil. Patience is beauty, habibati.


Okay itu hanya fikiran twisted from my twisted mind. Please don't take it as one of Islamic school of thought punya branches. Tolong jangan kuot aku dan tolong jangan kopi pes dan tolong jangan nak tuding jari kat aku kalau ada yang berfikiran sesat sebab aku dah beri disklamer di sini.


 Anyhue.

I wish I am rabbit.
   

Demi.

Lately feels like...

...putting a saw on my throat. Cut through it.
 

Subhanallah. Sem ni teruk aku kena belasah dengan path pilihan aku sendiri. Teringat pillow talk dengan seorang teman. Akulah yang bersyarah kat dia...yang kita tak layak pun komplen tentang hidup kita. Sebab kita yang pilih. Sapa suruh pilih jalan hidup yang buat kita komplen balik? Yang paling best, boleh pulak mengeluh. OMG sana OMG sini.


Hm. Bukan senang nak jadi orang yang sentiasa bersyukur. Tatkala senang pun boleh lupa nak ucapkan alhamdulillah dan menggunakan nikmat yang ada semaksima mungkin, inikan pulak waktu susah.


Kadang-kadang time time susah aku rasa macam nak patah semangat je. Tidur. Banyak kejadian tidur berlebihan semenjak semester musim luruh 2013. Susah nak naikkan semangat bila kadang-kadang...dah macam takda goal je nak fokus. 


Lalu untuk bangun semula kalau ada waktunya aku tak bersemangat (sebab nanti tak balik langsung pulak...atau balik dengan hutang kat kerajaan hewhew haruu), aku selalu set short term goal. Macam...okay, if I finish this one paragraph, I'll get to watch Gilmore Girls for 30 minutes. Wah reward...padahal study tak sampai 30 minit punnn. Takpala janji ada progress.


Dan memandangkan semakin aku hampir kepada tarikh graduasi aku, semakin bertimbun kerja, aku set this one goal. Jangan gelak. I bought a pair of shoes when I went to New Haven during Thanksgiving 2014. I bought those shoes in a shoe store near Yale University. Dang it was a really beautiful place. Subhanallah.


Asalnya takda niat pun nak membeli. Perjalanan ke Yale pun adalah satu kemalangan. Tengah drive tibbah nampak signboard Yale University. Haaa apa lagi, masuk simpang like a pro, sampai. Dan saja je masuk kedai tu sebab Fatin nak masuk. Dalam hati: "Nak beli kasut lettew...berapa banyak pasang nak ada eceh..." Sekali aku yang beli. Fatin? Devil.


Cantik. First time tengok...terus teringat kat satu benda - biru, warna UB.


So my next, nearest goal...to wear this pair of shoes. I want to wear them during my graduation. I want to wear them like I deserve wearing them. I want to wear them proud. Symbolism much?




Kalau aku ada anak, nanti kalau dia ada assignment essay BM, aku boleh beri ide tajuk esei: Aku Sepasang Kasut.



LOL sangatttt.

In Omnia Paratus, Far!

Ready for all things!

 

Berubah.

"A, kau dah berubah."

Aku reflex. Eh, okay, betul aku dah berubah. But what's wrong with that? Am I not being better than who I was before? Aku kaget. Risau kalau dikata perangai makin buruk. Of course, humans like to be perceived as nice in the core. And I am human.

"Aah. Kenapa kalau aku berubah?"

"Takde pape. Saje. Semua orang berubah. Aku berubah, kau berubah..." Dan aku tak pasti, jawapan dia sebab dia dapat kesan aku dah bersedia nak back up diri aku atau memang itu jawapan tulus ikhlas dari hati. Tapi memang aku dah berubah pun. Dia pun sama. Aihh. Rumah pegawai kerajaan tu banyak sangat kenangan. Kenangan yang takda kaitan dengan tuan rumah tu sendiri huhu.


---

Anyway.


Yes, I've changed. Not sure being better or not. What I know is I am satisfied with myself now alhamdulillah. There are still rooms for improvement, but still, I deserve an acknowledgement. That I've gone this far alive, braver, bolder. Ain't no one can kid me around no more. 

There's a saying that goes "A diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure.”
-Henry Kissinger

Diamond. How to be one?



Change. 
Don't let anyone impede you from changing. Sebab hakikatnya, semua orang nak berubah jadi yang lebih baik. Sejahat-jahat pembunuh 100 orang tu pun, dia masih ada kebaikan dalam hati untuk bertaubat dan berubah (walaupun tak sempat...but Allah is so Merciful that He gave him Rahmah, subhanallah). Mungkin counterargumentnya di sini adalah yes, kadang-kadang ada yang berubah jadi makin teruk. Well sis, that's a stage and usually bad change doesn't last long. Cuz humans, at core, still want goodness. 




Selfish.
Let people say you're selfish if you're doing things that benefit you and those things, if you settle 'em, would benefit those people back when they are solved. Selesaikanlah urusan sendiri dulu. Urusan peribadi yang membantu lonjakan paradigma tu. Bila dah selesai, barulah fokus kat urusan-urusan picisan sayur sampingan (lurh...like writing this is my ultimate task right now...but somehow, yes. I need an outlet so here it goes...). Jangan nak menyibuk urusan orang lain, dan paling penting, don't ever let other people messing up with your flow. Don't ever give it a chance. Be sturdy in your path. After all, if you screw up, who shall be with you, cleaning up your mess? Hakikatnya, at one point, semua orang pentingkan diri. So don't fall to deep in trying to be nice with everyone. Be nice, but always be aware. Tuhan sendiri berfirman, jangan sampai kita menzalimi diri.

Pernah aku terbaca, di wallpost seseorang...paraphrasing..."kalau kau tak ada dalam hidup aku waktu aku susah, jangan harap aku nak kau ada waktu aku senang." Pergh tajam bhai. Tapi memang betul. Dah takda dalam hidup waktu susah, itu kira macam boleh diterima lagi la. Ini, dahla takde...pastu waktu ade, lagi menambah susah. Siapa suka? Would you like that to happen to you hm?


 


Be strong. Be a man.
Arus menyesatkan sangat kuat. Kalau bukan a skillful swimmer, even if you're tough, then...just don't swim. Pohon kepada Tuhan selalu. God, fire me up, fire me up well!





Don't be afraid or worried of eliminating "junkies" and "useless ornaments" in your life.
 Junkies: People who not only cease to contribute to the betterment of your life, but also add problemS. 
 Useless ornaments: Passersby in your life. Just there for the sake of "there". Saying I love you when they don't really mean it, just for the sake of being polite (on the side note: seriously, just say the truth or say nothing. Speech is silver but silence is gold). No need to carry them with you since they are of no purpose, just adding to the weight, hence, slowing you down.

Don't be afraid. Because you are not programmed to rely on people, but onto your Creator. Cuz sometimes relying too much (or even, in deserted cases, not even much but at a minimal amount) on some people, will just result in dismay, betrayal and disappointment. Keep your heart strong cuz you don't need no one except for Allah and Allah alone. Back to the main point,...cuz it's your life and who are they to interfere? Go away trespasser! 



Lastly, have good thoughts about Allah, always.
Yes, sometimes the difficulties that befallen us is a form of kifarah. Sometimes that might not be the case. Sometimes Allah wants to give you reasons to go to heaven. After all, didn't you ask to enter jannah when you recite the famous rabbana atina fiddunya du'a? Then you should be prepared to receive all kinds of challenges in life. No complains. Shut up and get your shit done.

Dalam satu sirah nubuwwah, saat kematian anakanda Rasulullah s.a.w., Ibrahim, Rasulullah menangis. Para sahabat terkezut tengok baginda menangis. Sebab para sahabat saat itu dah embedded dalam otak mereka yang Rasulullah ni superhuman. Tapi Rasulullah tetap manusia macam kita; ada perasaan. Sahabat yang terkejot tu tanyalah, ya Rasulullah, apakah baginda menangis? Rasulullah pun jawab lebih kurang macam ini...yang hatinya meratap sedih tapi mulut dan anggotanya hanya bertindak untuk perkara yang Allah approve. Maksudnya tak meratap atau tak mengutuk-ngutuk takdir. Kalau ada baca cerita-cerita sirah, kan Rasulullah banyak jumpa perempuan-perempuan meratap atas kematian. Ada hadis untuk ini, boleh cari sendiri. Jadi Rasulullah bukan macam tu. Ya, sedih. Bengkek kot anak bayi lagi....waktu-waktu tengah comel...meninggal. Sapa tak sedih. Tapi Rasulullah macho je control. Jadi kita pun sepatutnya macam tu. Kontrol aksi-aksi kita sewaktu menerima musibah. Walau sekecil mana, jangan banyak ngomel.

Aku akui aku banyak kali je fail. Tapi janganlah jadikan satu failure tu like the end of everything. Get your ass back together and melangkah lagi mantap ke hadapan. Dalam masa yang sama, bersangka baik dengan Tuhan. Tuhan turunkan ujian bukan sebab kau ni teruk tak guna, pendosa through and through tak layak masuk syurga gi terus masuk neraka meh ditambah lagi ujian semoga sengsara lagi di dunia muahaha...tak (dan yes, trials are also a form of kifarah but my focus here is to see trials from an optimist's viewpoint...neva think that Allah's Love is limited!), Tuhan turunkan ujian itu khas dan khas only for you. Sebab Tuhan nak jumpa kau. Dan mana lagi tempat bertemu Tuhan, one-on-one, kalau bukan di syurga?






Ya habibi,

Tabahkan hati.

Oh ye, kebelakangan ni aku banyak menggunakan perkataan-perkataan sumpah (read: swear words) dalam tulisan aku. Kadang-kadang kalau sembang dengan very very very good friends pun keluar jugak haha. Shoot. Anyways. It's a part of my change. I see those words as words of truth. I used to despise them. But now, am a fan. Bear with me. I only use them when in need to convey something I strongly feel about.






Dan ya habibi,

tabahkan hati.