Saturday 28 March 2015

Masa.

Jadi melalui buku Talbis Iblis aku memperoleh satu pencerahan yang Waktu adalah sejenis makhluk.



Waktu adalah satu ciptaan. Aku mengetahui hal ini melalui satu sesi usrah dahulu kala. Tapi aku tak sedar ia adalah ciptaan untuk manusia. Jadi, Waktu adalah makhluk, amanat, yang dipertanggungjawabkan ke atas manusia.

Dan untuk segala yang dipertanggungjawabkan, akan ada soalan.

No wonderlah ada hadis spoiler tentang soalan di Padang Mahsyar nanti. Tentang umur, tentang Waktu, di mana dihabiskan.



Sometimes aku nak sangat tahu, macam mana para sahabat hidup dulu. Dulu mana ada Netflix. Mana ada Astro. Mana ada YouTube. Facebook. Tempat-tempat orang muda-mudi macam aku ni selalu habiskan masa. Lokasi-lokasi untuk merehatkan minda, untuk hiburkan diri.

Apa ek dorang buat untuk bergumbira dulu? Takkanlah beribadat je kot...mungkin. Who knows. Beza antara kita dengan mereka teramat jauh, lebih jauh antara galaksi ini dengan galaksi jiran. Dosa kecil pada kita ibarat lalat hinggap di hidung. Pada mereka, dosa kecil selayaknya mati.

Aku nakkkk sangat tahu apa yang Saidatina Fatimah r.a. buat hari-hari, sampai penat. Sampai tangan kasar. Time tu takde losyen lagi ke...huhu (OK tak payah jawab, retorik). Sampai tak makan 3 hari. Puasa straight 3 hari dengan beriftarkan kurma sebijik. Sampai keluar hadis 3 zikir 33 kali tu.  

Sungguh aku belum lagi mampu. Aku tak tahu if I can even get to that level.

Wednesday 25 March 2015

Taken.

Baru-baru ini aku sedar yang bukan mudah nak persevere atas satu jalan.

Antara janji dan Tuhan.
Antara satu kepastian dan Tuhan.
Antara apa yang ada dalam hati dan Tuhan.

Bukan selalu Tuhan yang menang. 
Kalau menang pun, fuh, bukan menang yang senang.

Tapi kena fightlah.
Kata nak masuk syurga.

Tinggalkan yang haram, Allah akan ganti dengan yang halal.
"Tanda 'tak rasmi' dan sementara." "Tanda" apa agaknya? HAHAHA.












                                                                                   





Persevere, ace. And I hope you too.



---



Hm...okay. Tulisan ini adalah addition sehari selepas rangkap-rangkap di atas. (Rangkap-rangkap di atas ditaip tatkala menunggu bas untuk pulang dari kelas di pekanbawah. Maaf, Blogger di aifon tidak memberi keupayaan kepada saya untuk mengitalikan perkataan-perkataan Inggeris.)

Somehow aku rasa dari segi emosi, aku masih belum matang. Kot. Entah. Aku suka pendam sebab malas nak layan. Tapi bila memberat, aku meletup. Pastu tulis kat blog. Amendela. Get a grip Far.

Anyways.

Aku harap seseorang itu terus jadi insan baik yang he is and meant to be. Let me be the devil but then that kinda defeat the purpose of choosing me and defeat my own purpose of wanting to avoid hellfire.

Let me be the bad-ass one anyhue. 

Deep down I know I'm not perfect. Well you can say that to my face, slap me with reality.
Deep down I know that I'm too rigid at times. Just because I am a fan of this one Companion, who was really just and fair in reigning his life. Maybe I admire Saidina Umar too much that I may have missed to see that, apart from his strict nature, he is also a really nice Muslim, and that if I do adore him, I should strive to be nice. Maybe I should start by ... loving a cat? My neighbor has cats so maybe I can start...petting them? With gloves. Many times I failed to follow his footsteps. To stay firm, far away from devil's temptation and deceit. And as much as that, I punished myself by becoming more firm. I guess this is a good time to create a new du'a. If I can enter heaven, I wanna meet him and book a coffee time with him. Have a chat, and before we depart, take a photo with him, let him sign the photo first, the I'll let him go. Haha. Yelahhh kau.


Deep down I know I have tarnished your dreams to have this stage of your life perfectly crafted in accordance with the syara'. 
And as far as I imagined mine would be, you have done the same too. 
But I'm the bummer here because I should be the strong one. I'm not sure how far can a female be the weakness of a man, I never experimented this notion before. But to stay safe, I'm avoiding the fire here. 


We hear various love stories. Some had a good start, inviting barakah into the household. Some, well, might be shaky at the beginning. But only Allah knows what those couples have now. We can only assume the good. I know you want that too. I'm doing my best here. We have different backgrounds and expectations. I don't wanna say "I'm sorry" anymore. I do, I am sorry. But sorry alone without actions to remedy the situation is not an absolute apology. Thus I'm sorry. I'll fix everything. I am fixing. Tapi tak bolehlah nak rush into things. Tikus boleh je membaiki labu, if only people don't stress the mouse with time too much.


I'm not sure where this is heading. I'm letting the kite to soar free in the sky. Though the string seems strong to me, but I have to prepare if there is a need be for a crash. Tawakkal and living it cool. Yeah. If this is the story that I [or we] shall  present to God, then let it be known there I've [we've] done my [our] best to follow His rules.


Okay jap...ada satu lawak ni aku yang aku rasa...haha. Entahapehape. Okay I actually have this one thought...yang lelaki semuanya nak bidadari di syurga. I mean, c'mon. If I were a man, of course I would want one. The untouched beauty. Unbeknownst to anyone, just for me. Created just for me. Wah.


So katakanlah lelaki ni berkahwin di dunia. Nanti kat syurga dia boleh ceraikan isteri dunia dia. Haha. Isteri dia pun nak enjoy syurga. Who knows to what degree of handsomeness a guy servant in Jannah could own. Pastu nak gi clubbing kat jannah. Jap...I wonder...say...is there any possibility for me to go to Ed Sheeran's gig di jannah? Aku doakan dia jadi muslim haha. But wait...is there like an angel boy band in heaven? Is there anything like the worldly entertainment in jannah? Hmm...I have to increase my knowledge in this rabbi zidni ilma. As for now, assobrun jamil. Patience is beauty, habibati.


Okay itu hanya fikiran twisted from my twisted mind. Please don't take it as one of Islamic school of thought punya branches. Tolong jangan kuot aku dan tolong jangan kopi pes dan tolong jangan nak tuding jari kat aku kalau ada yang berfikiran sesat sebab aku dah beri disklamer di sini.


 Anyhue.

I wish I am rabbit.
   


Tuesday 24 March 2015

Demi.

Lately feels like...
...putting a saw on my throat. Cut through it.
 

Subhanallah. Sem ni teruk aku kena belasah dengan path pilihan aku sendiri. Teringat pillow talk dengan seorang teman. Akulah yang bersyarah kat dia...yang kita tak layak pun komplen tentang hidup kita. Sebab kita yang pilih. Sapa suruh pilih jalan hidup yang buat kita komplen balik? Yang paling best, boleh pulak mengeluh. OMG sana OMG sini.


Hm. Bukan senang nak jadi orang yang sentiasa bersyukur. Tatkala senang pun boleh lupa nak ucapkan alhamdulillah dan menggunakan nikmat yang ada semaksima mungkin, inikan pulak waktu susah.


Kadang-kadang time time susah aku rasa macam nak patah semangat je. Tidur. Banyak kejadian tidur berlebihan semenjak semester musim luruh 2013. Susah nak naikkan semangat bila kadang-kadang...dah macam takda goal je nak fokus. 


Lalu untuk bangun semula kalau ada waktunya aku tak bersemangat (sebab nanti tak balik langsung pulak...atau balik dengan hutang kat kerajaan hewhew haruu), aku selalu set short term goal. Macam...okay, if I finish this one paragraph, I'll get to watch Gilmore Girls for 30 minutes. Wah reward...padahal study tak sampai 30 minit punnn. Takpala janji ada progress.


Dan memandangkan semakin aku hampir kepada tarikh graduasi aku, semakin bertimbun kerja, aku set this one goal. Jangan gelak. I bought a pair of shoes when I went to New Haven during Thanksgiving 2014. I bought those shoes in a shoe store near Yale University. Dang it was a really beautiful place. Subhanallah.


Asalnya takda niat pun nak membeli. Perjalanan ke Yale pun adalah satu kemalangan. Tengah drive tibbah nampak signboard Yale University. Haaa apa lagi, masuk simpang like a pro, sampai. Dan saja je masuk kedai tu sebab Fatin nak masuk. Dalam hati: "Nak beli kasut lettew...berapa banyak pasang nak ada eceh..." Sekali aku yang beli. Fatin? Devil.


Cantik. First time tengok...terus teringat kat satu benda - biru, warna UB.


So my next, nearest goal...to wear this pair of shoes. I want to wear them during my graduation. I want to wear them like I deserve wearing them. I want to wear them proud. Symbolism much?




Kalau aku ada anak, nanti kalau dia ada assignment essay BM, aku boleh beri ide tajuk esei: Aku Sepasang Kasut.



LOL sangatttt.






In Omnia Paratus, Far!
Ready for all things!


 

Thursday 12 March 2015

Berubah.

"A, kau dah berubah."

Aku reflex. Eh, okay, betul aku dah berubah. But what's wrong with that? Am I not being better than who I was before? Aku kaget. Risau kalau dikata perangai makin buruk. Of course, humans like to be perceived as nice in the core. And I am human.

"Aah. Kenapa kalau aku berubah?"

"Takde pape. Saje. Semua orang berubah. Aku berubah, kau berubah..." Dan aku tak pasti, jawapan dia sebab dia dapat kesan aku dah bersedia nak back up diri aku atau memang itu jawapan tulus ikhlas dari hati. Tapi memang aku dah berubah pun. Dia pun sama. Aihh. Rumah pegawai kerajaan tu banyak sangat kenangan. Kenangan yang takda kaitan dengan tuan rumah tu sendiri huhu.


---

Anyway.


Yes, I've changed. Not sure being better or not. What I know is I am satisfied with myself now alhamdulillah. There are still rooms for improvement, but still, I deserve an acknowledgement. That I've gone this far alive, braver, bolder. Ain't no one can kid me around no more. 

There's a saying that goes "A diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure.”
-Henry Kissinger

Diamond. How to be one?



Change. 
Don't let anyone impede you from changing. Sebab hakikatnya, semua orang nak berubah jadi yang lebih baik. Sejahat-jahat pembunuh 100 orang tu pun, dia masih ada kebaikan dalam hati untuk bertaubat dan berubah (walaupun tak sempat...but Allah is so Merciful that He gave him Rahmah, subhanallah). Mungkin counterargumentnya di sini adalah yes, kadang-kadang ada yang berubah jadi makin teruk. Well sis, that's a stage and usually bad change doesn't last long. Cuz humans, at core, still want goodness. 




Selfish.
Let people say you're selfish if you're doing things that benefit you and those things, if you settle 'em, would benefit those people back when they are solved. Selesaikanlah urusan sendiri dulu. Urusan peribadi yang membantu lonjakan paradigma tu. Bila dah selesai, barulah fokus kat urusan-urusan picisan sayur sampingan (lurh...like writing this is my ultimate task right now...but somehow, yes. I need an outlet so here it goes...). Jangan nak menyibuk urusan orang lain, dan paling penting, don't ever let other people messing up with your flow. Don't ever give it a chance. Be sturdy in your path. After all, if you screw up, who shall be with you, cleaning up your mess? Hakikatnya, at one point, semua orang pentingkan diri. So don't fall to deep in trying to be nice with everyone. Be nice, but always be aware. Tuhan sendiri berfirman, jangan sampai kita menzalimi diri.

Pernah aku terbaca, di wallpost seseorang...paraphrasing..."kalau kau tak ada dalam hidup aku waktu aku susah, jangan harap aku nak kau ada waktu aku senang." Pergh tajam bhai. Tapi memang betul. Dah takda dalam hidup waktu susah, itu kira macam boleh diterima lagi la. Ini, dahla takde...pastu waktu ade, lagi menambah susah. Siapa suka? Would you like that to happen to you hm?


 


Be strong. Be a man.
Arus menyesatkan sangat kuat. Kalau bukan a skillful swimmer, even if you're tough, then...just don't swim. Pohon kepada Tuhan selalu. God, fire me up, fire me up well!





Don't be afraid or worried of eliminating "junkies" and "useless ornaments" in your life.
 Junkies: People who not only cease to contribute to the betterment of your life, but also add problemS. 
 Useless ornaments: Passersby in your life. Just there for the sake of "there". Saying I love you when they don't really mean it, just for the sake of being polite (on the side note: seriously, just say the truth or say nothing. Speech is silver but silence is gold). No need to carry them with you since they are of no purpose, just adding to the weight, hence, slowing you down.

Don't be afraid. Because you are not programmed to rely on people, but onto your Creator. Cuz sometimes relying too much (or even, in deserted cases, not even much but at a minimal amount) on some people, will just result in dismay, betrayal and disappointment. Keep your heart strong cuz you don't need no one except for Allah and Allah alone. Back to the main point,...cuz it's your life and who are they to interfere? Go away trespasser! 



Lastly, have good thoughts about Allah, always.
Yes, sometimes the difficulties that befallen us is a form of kifarah. Sometimes that might not be the case. Sometimes Allah wants to give you reasons to go to heaven. After all, didn't you ask to enter jannah when you recite the famous rabbana atina fiddunya du'a? Then you should be prepared to receive all kinds of challenges in life. No complains. Shut up and get your shit done.

Dalam satu sirah nubuwwah, saat kematian anakanda Rasulullah s.a.w., Ibrahim, Rasulullah menangis. Para sahabat terkezut tengok baginda menangis. Sebab para sahabat saat itu dah embedded dalam otak mereka yang Rasulullah ni superhuman. Tapi Rasulullah tetap manusia macam kita; ada perasaan. Sahabat yang terkejot tu tanyalah, ya Rasulullah, apakah baginda menangis? Rasulullah pun jawab lebih kurang macam ini...yang hatinya meratap sedih tapi mulut dan anggotanya hanya bertindak untuk perkara yang Allah approve. Maksudnya tak meratap atau tak mengutuk-ngutuk takdir. Kalau ada baca cerita-cerita sirah, kan Rasulullah banyak jumpa perempuan-perempuan meratap atas kematian. Ada hadis untuk ini, boleh cari sendiri. Jadi Rasulullah bukan macam tu. Ya, sedih. Bengkek kot anak bayi lagi....waktu-waktu tengah comel...meninggal. Sapa tak sedih. Tapi Rasulullah macho je control. Jadi kita pun sepatutnya macam tu. Kontrol aksi-aksi kita sewaktu menerima musibah. Walau sekecil mana, jangan banyak ngomel.

Aku akui aku banyak kali je fail. Tapi janganlah jadikan satu failure tu like the end of everything. Get your ass back together and melangkah lagi mantap ke hadapan. Dalam masa yang sama, bersangka baik dengan Tuhan. Tuhan turunkan ujian bukan sebab kau ni teruk tak guna, pendosa through and through tak layak masuk syurga gi terus masuk neraka meh ditambah lagi ujian semoga sengsara lagi di dunia muahaha...tak (dan yes, trials are also a form of kifarah but my focus here is to see trials from an optimist's viewpoint...neva think that Allah's Love is limited!), Tuhan turunkan ujian itu khas dan khas only for you. Sebab Tuhan nak jumpa kau. Dan mana lagi tempat bertemu Tuhan, one-on-one, kalau bukan di syurga?






Ya habibi,

Tabahkan hati.







Oh ye, kebelakangan ni aku banyak menggunakan perkataan-perkataan sumpah (read: swear words) dalam tulisan aku. Kadang-kadang kalau sembang dengan very very very good friends pun keluar jugak haha. Shoot. Anyways. It's a part of my change. I see those words as words of truth. I used to despise them. But now, am a fan. Bear with me. I only use them when in need to convey something I strongly feel about.






Dan ya habibi,

tabahkan hati.