I'LL HATE MY FIRST WEDDING

1. I'll hate my wedding because 50% of the invite card design IS HIDEOUS and it has my name on it.

2. I'll hate my wedding because I am 100% sure the doorgifts my mother and sister will buy today are extremely HIDEOUS and so 80's.

3. I'll hate my wedding because chances of my pelamin  to be according to what I want is NIL. It will be HIDEOUS AND I SWEAR TO GOD IF IT IS HIDEOUS AND NOT MY CHOICE I WILL NOT LET THE SKIN OF MY FOOT TOUCH ANY PART OF IT nor MY FACE TO HAVE THE BACKGROUND IF THE HIDEOUS PELAMIN.

4. I'll hate my wedding because I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE AT A HOUSE. I WANT TO BE AT AN OPEN VENUE, WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO THINK OF CLEANING UP AFTER (not that I'll do the cleaning anyway).

5. I'll hate my wedding because someone inserts pink into my theme without my consent and I HATE PINK.

6. I will definitely hate my wedding for the things to come after today.


I hate they're here cuz I wanna to my work and this noisy man has a mouth of a drain and I hate that my ears can't be close all the time. It is difficult for me to do my work right now.

I don't feel I need help for my own freaking wedding. I have money and I am closer to sources to buy those freaking wedding stuff. I can buy them anytime I wish. Why others are being nosy?

I WILL HATE MY WEDDING BECAUSE HAS ANYONE EVER ASKED WHAT DAMN THING THAT I WANT????? 

I WILL NEED TO MARRY AGAIN LATER WHEN I MYSELF CAN SET EVERYTHING I WANT. 

Rant on what I want

Hi blog, it's been long since last I utilized you. I guess life happened.

N'way so one day a friend asked me what motivates me to still grab the day instead of staying on bed and let the day wash on us, what has kept me going.

I thought hard on that question, despite it's simplicity in and of the question-self - it was asked over a WhatsApp message.

Me five, four years ago would answer that I want to fly, I want to pass INTEC, I want to be the Muslim who excel in my thang. Me three, two years ago would answer I want to graduate, get a good high-paying job and I want to be the Muslim who follows all His rules and stay like that till end of my time. Me one year ago, recent times, answered I want to have house, a nice car, stability and to have all that with my partner (soon to be), to feel like I am achieving my own self-actualization - Maslow's hierarchy of needs has always been at the back of my head, to some small percent contributing to motivate my move - to feel great, every day, and to die knowing I had done the best and I did have a good life.

Me now is the me who wants to be beautiful, great body great skin, healthy in and out. I desire to be someone who has a regular monthly spa visit just to check my skin. I want SKII to appear on my shelf in my bathroom, like a signature skin care product. And whenever people enter my bathroom and notice the clear glass bottle with silver top, they'll say in their head, "Ana punye," with awe. Not only one bottle but several bottles of SKII on my shelf, indicating how economically stable I am that I can afford a set of those high end skin care. I want to have a good skin that I don't have to worry about putting powder too much on it. I want my partner to know that he doesn't have to worry about accidentally sucking in chemicals when he kisses my cheeks or forehead.

 I want a vehicle that works for me now, doesn't matter what brand it is just as long as it is good to go. When the time permits I'll change to Hyundai or Honda. I want a house that's not too big, but has several sections because I like a space to be compartmentalized. I don't mind for a landed property or not, either one, its architecture needs to reflect the house similar to what I've seen in New York, at Buffalo. Humble house, rich content. I want the windows with white wood panels, flower box just outside. Real flowers of course. I want to have just a small space for a mini garden. One long bench or one swing to put there, and if possible, a mini water fountain would do the trick for a self therapy session.

I wish for a partner who randomly gives me flower bouquets - real flowers of course. I can always buy for myself and write on the card as if given from someone else, but knowing that I am lying to myself only make me feel more pity than ever. I wish to get bouquets like this, and of course a prettier one for my wedding:

Credit to singaporebrides.com

Nak cari jugak kat Ipoh something like this! - photo credit

To get like this sometimes, would made my day...sighs - credit

But of course I know him...he's just not like this. I have to write an SOP just to get bouquet. But the thing is, no girl likes to tell her man what he should do, even though when I understand that men are always blur. The struggle to fight our own ego just to let you know what we want - and ain't it obvious that girls like to be pampered with beautiful things? God did not create diamonds to only be mata gerudi terowong bawah tanah or as a tool to cut a stronger mineral, didn't He?- it painful, the same ego for you to tear just to ask someone on the street when you got lost trying to go to a wedding.

I guess aku pendam je la. Untung-untung Tuhan makbulkan keinginan hati ini one day. But when Tuhan makbulkan, Far, just a heads up that don't feel disappointed that the flowers you'll get will not be from him. Ever. It's just how the world is.

OK sambung balik...

I want...

haha...maybe next time. Gotta get my ass together to write proposal paper. Sighs. I'll never take Master's during working again and I won't go for PhD.

Yah, no thanks.

I feel empty. But sense of purpose is still there, just empty.

So aku relakan untuk kurangkan mesej, tak call dia and vice versa, because I want him to be in a good shape. Not sure la if I am stupid...I mean, can a man really be trusted? Either boleh dipercayai or he is already halfway through with another woman la right now. And I'll be yet another girl in the history of stupid girls. Actually currently am feeling like that but...hmm...ntahlah.

Weird though ... really sakit kepala because of too much exposure to screen? I am positive it is because of the earphones, and not computer/phone screen. 

I care about him so much that I am willing to sacrifice my personal interest to always communicate with him. Entahlah...I hope what I am doing is worth it. 

I miss you so so much :)

Rendah diri

So...first day at new work place.

I told my fiancé what happened and he responded they should not have treated me as a second-class citizen.

Jujurnya aku adalah perasan aku dipandang rendah, but honestly, I didn't feel ashamed nor humiliated. I noticed that but I didn't really bother. I don't care if they see me with tacky things, with head scarf far from being a hijabista, with a Myvi (if they see it as a second-class car), hell, if they see me with whatever things not up to their value, hell I don't care.

Why?

I have my own goals, my own desires and my own priorities. I have my own principles, my own feeling of accomplishment. 

Besides, what is there to make you feel bigger anyways? Your shoes your clothes  are not made in heaven, your food your steak your pies are not cooked baked by angels, you did not drink from a goblet made of gold this morning, and for goodness' sake you are still on Earth, the same place all humans live, the same place we dump our shit and the same place where our food grows. Jesus. Hai ya Allah...pfft.

So, Far, ape-apelah. Layankan aje. Seek the good.

Wey susah nak kawin ni wei

Have you ever been in a situation where it is all dark all around you. It is as if you are closing your eyes but you are not. You cannot tell whether your are sleeping or awaken if not because of your eyelashes that keep the lids moveable.

So, so dark, and you are heading towards the end of the path. High walls all around you, you cannot climb, nor there is any door, any window. You want to get out, you keep walking but with no defined destination. You don't even know where are you actually heading. You keep on walking in the pitch-black situation, not knowing if there is a hole right in front, nor a trap, nor anything that can take your life away.

Sensation of drowning engulfing you. You feel lonely, hopeless, irritated, tired, anxious, uncertain. 

Ha inilah apa yang aku rasa sekarang. Nak kahwin, dengan orang yang aku sendiri pilih dan redha, famili pun nampak boleh terima, tapi entah kenapa, halangan datang dari sumber yang sama.

I would appreciate if there is no such question like bila nak kahwin. I don't have the answer, I don't know who have the answer. Am I not still trapped in the darkness? How is it possible the trapped to answer such question that requires freedom?

Tahniah for the race! 🎉🎉🎉

And the winner is...Mr. Tunang tahpape!

Congratulations!

Congatulations on the following offenses:

1. Racing with your fiancee and did not let her win;

2. Racing with your fiancee and mistreated her like your enemy;

3. Racing with your fiancee and disregard her safety - she almost crashed, thrice, but thanks to slowing down and the break;

4. Racing with your fiancee and left her behind so far like she is your ultimate enemy;

5. Racing with your fiancee and still pushed yourself to win on the very last minute;

6. Racing with your fiancee to her parents's house in her hometown and still did not let her win;

7. Racing with your fiancee and laughed at her upon your honorary winning moment;

8. Racing with your fiancee and did not notice how much it was offensive to not let her win;

9. Racing with your fiancee and after the race still so proud with your victory that you said "takpe lain kali A bagi A menang." Oh bagi menang? Oh please.

Congratulations!

So the prizes for this are (oh yes, prizeS):

1. A fiancee who no longer will treat you with respect, instead, with vengence.

2. A fiancee who will never forget about this until revenge is done.

3. A fiancee who has revenge towards you. The worst enemy you can get.

4. A fiancee who will treat you exactly like your enemy, just the way how your heart felt when you raced with her. Oh I know that "i am winning you are losing" feeling.

5. A fiancee who will be reluctant to talk to you, unless with hatred. Until she is satisfied. Even if you apologize and even if she sort of forgives you (note the IF there), there will still that spot in her heart that you have offended so badly. 

6. A fiancee who will doubt all your sweet talk. Huh, remember when you said you wanna take a good care of me? Well you did a great job that I almost killed myself. I may have misinterpreted that from you. Taking a good care of me must have meant that taking a good care of my body, which is, possible for you to do - take a good care of my corpse.

7. And last but not least, though this was not a gift unique and intended from me, a car dented, maybe not so bad but still dented. Which I want to make a public statement about this - PADAN MUKA.

Wowowowow congrats again! Horrayy you should celebrateee!

Tahniah for winning and losing at the same time. An achievement so rare, it's like winning a Noble Prize.

So proud of you.

Rindu II

Rindu.

Bila jumpa, seronok sangat. Sangat sangat. Tak tergambar. Prior to jumpa lagilah. Jantung laju, tersenyum sendiri tak sedar. Otak di bawah sedar, hanya fikir pasal dia. "Oh, nak jumpa," otak aku chant.

Bila depan mata. Tak nak lepas tengok wajah dia. Tak nak berkedip. Tak nak rugi walau sesaat. Rugi. Tuhan bagi mata untuk tengok keindahan kan?

Bila about to go. Feel so sad. So, so sad. So sad. But have to let go. Separate life, different responsibilities. Must let go.

Bila dah tak ada depan mata. Rindu. Sangat.
Dengan kekuatan yang sama dengan rindu inilah, aku gagahkan juga berhadapan dengan apa di depan mata, walau dia tak ada.

 

Jadual

Heh entah kenapa nak kena taip jadual kat sini.
Takpe, takde orang baca kot.
Harap takde.


OK so...hectic hectic. Nak masuk Jun dah jadi ...wargh.

Jun
2hb: Hm...
4hb: Kelas + cari tailor
5hb: Balik
Minggu-minggu seterusnya: Peperiksaan

*Dalam bulan ini mesti:
a) Bagi mak 1K untuk kemas rumah
b) Spend untuk baju
c) Beli tiket flight untuk honeymoon (RM3K per person, as for search done today in May)

Julai
Raya
Cari card designer (?)

Nak muntah. Semua ni aku tak boleh buat selagi satu je...satu je mulut ni....URGHHH.
Boleh buat satu je - duit 1K.


Pening.


Suddenly rasa nak buat satu kerja gila ni...

 

Countdown

Kelas Dr. Z: Research paper

Kelas Dr. Z2: Presentation

Kelas Dr. W: Individual & group essays, group presentation

Kelas Dr. S: Group essay

Kelas Prof H: Individual essay, presentation

So I have...5 papers, 3 presentations, 5 exams.

Noice.

I gotta pee.

Yet another rant on this.

Mula-mula dulu memang aku cemburu. OK, dengki.

Tapi lama-lama, tengok orang newlyweds ni post things and pics about their new marriage, just seems so...kesian.

Masih OK kalau kau post nak umumkan "aku nak nikah ni [gambar sign surat nikah]" atau post gambar dengan isteri/suami on the wedding date.

Tapi ni kalau dah berminggu berlalu, cerita kau kahwin dengan dia dah masuk arkib bhai...dah basi. Tak payahla hangatkan balik wall kau dan mencacatkan news feed aku dengan posts sebegitu.

Aku lagi SUKA kau post pasal dilema kau nak sambung PhD di Frankfurt atau California, mengenai next backpacking trip either ke Australia atau Korea. Nak beli Toyota atau Honda. Nak beli rumah kondo atau townhouse. Gambar kau baru dapat henpon baru, post mengenai kejayaan kau grad, post gambar kerja di syarikat paling tersohor di Malaysia.

Ini...gambar dengan isteri/suami kau? Itu je pencapaian kau? Kesian...only when you're married that you feel you achieved something. Or...finally achieved something in life.

C'mon bro, The Fat Duck dah pindah Australia dah, Luke Nguyen dah travel entah ke mana. Janet Hsieh tak kecoh langsung dapat suami hensem gila. Oh talk about her. I am amazed by her love story. Dia pernah hampir nak kahwin pada umur 26 tahun but shoot happened. She did not get married until she's 36. Wedding dia grand, akad dibuat di benua Antartik. Suami dia...every girl's dream. Imagine that 10 years she's been quite solo, I bet her heart did ache sometimes. Sometimes, when watching her friends getting married, she needs to be happy, right? Tapi dia sabar dan in the end, a perfect marriage. She has it all.

 Hm...

Just use your social media platform wisely. If you're really happy with your life then why bother showing it to everyone? Are you wishing to convince yourself that you're happy? Kenapa tak senyum depan cermin je? Lagi murah. Ini tak, kena guna that kilobyte, megabyte you paid just to reconvince yourself that you're in an earthly heaven. Are you actually okay in the head?


 






  

Bertunang dengan 25% Rangga

Pertama-tama nak ucapkan syukur alhamdulillah diberi kesempatan hari Ahad yang berbahagia ini untuk menonton Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2.

Alhamdulillah.

Segala onak duri ranjau untuk menonton filem ni berjaya aku atasi. Ini tontonan kedua selepas yang pertama diganggu oleh masa yang cemburu.

Overall, satisfied. That's the perfect ending. :)

A little bit disgusted apsal perempuan je yang perlu make the huge move. I mean, Cinta purposely went to New York with one intention, but Rangga went to Jogja to meet his mom, and Cinta was just an add-on. 

Tapi tak kisahlah, bukan cerita hidup aku haha. 

Bila tonton cerita ni pastilah teringat tentang yang dulu. Kenapa ek, kebanyakan first love di dunia ni bermula dengan lelaki yang tak boleh harap tak boleh jamin kehidupan stabil, dan yang datang kemudian itulah yang berwang, yang paling ideal, setuju bernikah bukan atas dasar sayang tapi sebab mahu setia mahu komited.

Kenapa kebanyakan perempuan, termasuk aku, jatuh minat pada karakter Rangga? Selain tampan, tinggi dan fizikal yang sedap mata memandang, Rangga ni...lelaki sejati. Yes perbuatan tinggalkan awek sikit punya cun tu dah menunjukkan dia lelaki tahpape tapi maksud lelaki sejati dalam konteks tulisan aku ni adalah Rangga tak terus reply, dia diam dan proses, lepas proses yang rumit di minda tu baru dia keluarkan kata-kata yang indah. Rangga ni simple je, cakap tak banyak tapi hati Cinta yang dah 9 tahun dizalimi tu senang-senang je maafkan dalam masa yang singkat. Just days.

Dan bila dikaitkan semula dengan hidup aku, ye aku tak ada Rangga dalam hidup aku. Why should I? Aku dah bertunang dengan orang yang cukup lengkap segala-galanya. Dia, walaupun perit nak mengaku dia bukan yang pertama, tapi dia hormati aku, dia tinggikan aku. Segala benda remeh aku penting bagi dia. 

Aku pernah tercrush kat dia dulu. Tapi heck I thought it was just a crush. Move on.

Tak sangka hari ini dah 7 bulan menyarung cincin pemberian dia. God nak dekat setahun.

He's not the character Rangga for most of the part - he does not write poems. But heck, he is the poem itself. And I, his avid reader. 

Why eh?

"Wahai Ali, ada tiga perkara janganlah di lewat-lewatkan. Yang pertama, solat apabila telah masuk waktunya, yang kedua, jenazah apabila telah hadir dan yang ketiga, anak dara apabila telah ada orang sekufu dengannya."

Hmm...mayat lagi cepat masuk kubur compared dengan aku yang dah bertunang tapi tak nikah-nikah lagi.

Aku bayangkan, sebagai perempuan yang agak menjaga itu ini dalam agama, aku akan dapatla happy ending yang selalu orang-orang usrah ni gebang-gebangkan: ecece nikah dengan lelaki beragama, kenal melalui borang baitulmuslim, tak bercintun pun, waima wajah pun tak pernah tengok, aci tengok di gambar je. Ecece waktu nikah ala-ala tema Arab, semua orang senyum happy redha, tutup aurat terpisah lelaki perempuan. Yang aku, nikah aku pakai jubah putih, kalau rajin mungkin pakai niqab. Lepas lafaz nikah selesai, terus solat sunat. Suami letakkan tangan di ubun-ubun doa, jadi isteri taat dan bertaqwa. Happy. Hidup diredhai, semua orang suka senang dengan kami. Mati, Tuhan pun redha maka masuk syurga. Life's good.

Panjang angan-angan yang telah dibina dalam suasana usrah dulu.

Sakitnye hati semua tu tak berlaku. Aku rasa betrayed. 

Untuk stay sane dan sedar hidup bertuhan, aku keluar dari usrah. Rasa plastik dalam usrah membuak-buak waktu senior year. Biarlah hidup dengan layar aku sendiri. 

Dah bosang dah. 

Ape nak jadi, jadilah. 

Hey Far, may you never stop praying. May you be the stronger person that everyone one day shall envy. Amin.

the second

Why am I always the second? Almost always the second.

It is always your family first. Everything is.

Of course no doubt, and I fully realize, I am just your fiancée, still an outsider. 

But you are an outsider to me too and I have been putting you in front. I accept to go for Master's in Malaysia, for you, I accept that I have to work for at least 7 months, for you. I argued about marriage with my parents, for you. To some point I even deliberately starved, for you.

Some nights I don't even eat and sleep in starvation and when the next day comes, headache hits me. 

I prayed non-stop for you. I wake early on somedays, for you. Some days in months before I fasted, for you. 

I traveled far, day by day from morning till black night, for you. I was willing to spend, for you.

Weekends and you can sleep in till noon comes, I have to struggle to finish my readings, for you.

Some nights when I want to do assignments instead, I put it aside, for you.

If you want to argue about the ring then did not I have to be the one who requested for it? Did not I have to be the one who always remind my mother to have your akad by December?

I lower my crown, for you.

But did you ever go this far, for me?

You only give me your saliva and convincing words. Only "love" but less of action. You are working for yourself. You have a dem car for yourself. Weekends you can go anywhere enjoy your money but I am stuck here alone with burderns.

So you cannot anwser my call when you are with your family but why did I answer your call when I am with my family?

Still I am the second. Always have and will always be.

What is it left for me? The second one, the one who always gets what is left. 

Feel so stupid right now. 

One month from now is the finals week. Shit I have plenty of essays to work on. Even if I fail, I will still be his second. More reasons to be the second.

Me, this has to stop. 

Belajar terbang semula

Long story short, so I cried in front of my top two bosses.

Yang sorang ala-ala bapak-bapak. Yang sorang ala-ala abang-abang. Kalau tak kenal lebin lanjut memang akan ingat beliau ni jenis hisap shisha bukak kedai vape.

But they do have my respect. 

***

Dah. Mari kita bedah kenapa aku menangis.

Can I be more child-like? Yes.

Mengikut analisa aku, semuanya terjadi sebab aku mempunyai prinsip ini:

I shall delete, eliminate, anyone who causes nuisance in my life, for eternity.

Dan jenis anyone ini termasuklah mereka yang buat aku sakit hati. Sebab bila aku sakit hati, aku jadi marah dan sedih, bila aku marah dan sedih, aku jadi takde mood, bila aku takde mood, aku tak stay on track pada sesuatu yang aku hajatkan. Bila ini terjadi, life goal aku terganggu. Dan aku rasa useless. Better off I just be dirt then.

See. I hate, loath, toxic person. Doesn't matter who she or he is. 

Hmmm...macam mana nak atasi, yep?

Betul kata Encik A, aku dah pernah duduk luar negara jadi aku sepatutnya lebih hebat sebab aku dah tempuh macam-macam. 

Aku percaya aku tabah dan boleh handle pressure. Loh aku sangat tak puas hati beliau kata aku tak boleh handle pressure. Did you know aku kena marah dengan minah Telen Kop depat Malaysians di RIT? Aku tak nangis pun since, aku boleh elok lagi salam dengan beruang tu. Were you there when aku sanggup redah ribut salji (without realizing I was in one) jam 11-12 malam untuk pergi perpustakaan dan siapkan kerja aku, walhal aku bukannya tangguh kerja tapi laptop aku crashed last minute? Dan tak termasuk demam selesema sakit kepala waktu tiada laptop tp harung jugak siapkan, jam 2-3 pagi. Dan oh waktu tayar kereta meletop waktu aku memandu seorang diri di Tampa. Dengan GPS tak ada, harapkan signboard dan memori je. 

Habeh dia tu macam ler boleh handle pressure. Tu hisap rokok tu? Bukan tanda tak boleh deal pressure? Kalau boleh handle pressure kenapa tak teruskan dengan kerja at hand kenapa kena berhenti untuk nyalakan puntung yang ada kandungan pencuci restroom tu?

Loh dah cara aku handle pressure camtu - nangis, takde mood, dan menukar nama xhaj/&7& tu dengan 🐽 -, so camtula.

Takpela, kita quote beliau balik di sini. Ape yang Encik A cakap ni "boleh keluar telinga kiri dah."

Keluar kau 👂🏻💨

Pokoknye aku perlu rediscover myself. 

Aku suka kata-kata tunangku...yang aku dah overcome one setback ke arah nak jadi CEO.

Bosses yang dua ni mungkin boleh ketawakan aku - "HAHAHAHA ade hatiww nak jadi CEO. Kena cikit dah nanes."

Takpe. Tak kisah. Aku memang ada elemen muka tak malu aci taram. One day in shaa allah, aku akan dapat apa yang aku nak. In shaa allah, aku yakin!

Can we sing together again? Encore.

One night when I was driving home from class, never had I felt so tired in my freaking life.

So I called up my fiancé, to accompany me for the whole 40-minute+ journey. 

Radio sucks. If I let my thoughts running wild in the empty car space, they would zap me into slumber.

I was sooooo sleepy that I can close my eyes while my tires are still rolling on the road.

He answered my call.

I was mumbling things about how sleepy I am.

Then he started singing. Inviting me to sing along with him.

And out of all songs, several songs later, he suddenly chose to sing Ada Apa Dengan Cinta by Melly Goeslaw ft. Eric. 

Can he be sweeter than this?

:)

Thanks. One road accident was managed to be avoided that night :)

Conditional Love

Sunday, apart from Saturday, is the most waited day in a week.

Got Nona at 2, and back to back re-shown series at channel 104. This week's "Aku Bukan Bimbo." Love the story because it seems like it had really happen at one point of time, and the casting is really great. 

Then went to Pizza Hut, thought of using my RM2 coupon for a personal-sized pizza. Got back home, can't wait to eat. Ouui panas lagiiii cepat cepat nak makannn...but hey solat dulu!

Okay. Solat done. Water in the kettle is put on stove for a nice hot milk tea later. Washed my hands. Sat in front of the honorable pizza and pftttt....all four slices look like crap.

APE NIIII CHEESE TAKDEEEEE???!

Ration ke ape niiiii

Oh my God sapela kedekut masin niiii letak keju sejemput jeeee and the rest all I see is red! RED!

Euuhh. That's no food.

Won't eat it till I can remediate it with cheese and more cheese. God...

Cheese keping kat dalam fridge expired 2015. Great. Nak keluar for a packet of shredded cheese worth at least RM11-ish, not worth it. Plus gas...eughhhh totally not worth it.

Why Pizza Hut whyyy. Why are you downgrading pizza to that level? A very sinful act! Bertaubatlahhh Pizza Hutttt.

Is it because I ordered a personal size using a coupon so you think I don't know anything about pizza? You're SO WRONG.

I hatechu.

I'm gonna complain so baddddly!

Dah le lapo tahu lapoo dekat nak period lapoooo. Bukak kotak nampak a third-world-like pizza. C'mon...😡