Sunday, 1 May 2016

the second

Why am I always the second? Almost always the second.

It is always your family first. Everything is.

Of course no doubt, and I fully realize, I am just your fiancée, still an outsider. 

But you are an outsider to me too and I have been putting you in front. I accept to go for Master's in Malaysia, for you, I accept that I have to work for at least 7 months, for you. I argued about marriage with my parents, for you. To some point I even deliberately starved, for you.

Some nights I don't even eat and sleep in starvation and when the next day comes, headache hits me. 

I prayed non-stop for you. I wake early on somedays, for you. Some days in months before I fasted, for you. 

I traveled far, day by day from morning till black night, for you. I was willing to spend, for you.

Weekends and you can sleep in till noon comes, I have to struggle to finish my readings, for you.

Some nights when I want to do assignments instead, I put it aside, for you.

If you want to argue about the ring then did not I have to be the one who requested for it? Did not I have to be the one who always remind my mother to have your akad by December?

I lower my crown, for you.

But did you ever go this far, for me?

You only give me your saliva and convincing words. Only "love" but less of action. You are working for yourself. You have a dem car for yourself. Weekends you can go anywhere enjoy your money but I am stuck here alone with burderns.

So you cannot anwser my call when you are with your family but why did I answer your call when I am with my family?

Still I am the second. Always have and will always be.

What is it left for me? The second one, the one who always gets what is left. 

Feel so stupid right now. 

One month from now is the finals week. Shit I have plenty of essays to work on. Even if I fail, I will still be his second. More reasons to be the second.

Me, this has to stop. 

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