Wednesday, 16 September 2015



Dulu aku selesa je jadi loner. Seldom do I felt lonely - ahh c'mon loners lone rangers dan sewaktu dengannya, sometimes we do feel lonely.

Not all people are people-person. Sometimes, actually most of the time, our type like to stay alone. Be with ourselves and our thoughts. Do things we love without having to wait for another person to catch up with our pace, without having to consider whether he or she is bored or not, without anything holding us back from doing what we like. Watch whatever we like, eat whatever we love, buy anything we admire. Go anywhere our heart wants. Infinite freedom. And that is totally OKAY, it is fine. It is you. It is us. Allah did not create one man with one character, one attitude.

Some of us maybe extroverts. But, like Superman, most of the time we are in our hiding places. We come out whenever needed, and when we feel ready. Many would think non-people persons are introverts. Though I think it is partly true, some introverts can be very people-attached. Our kind is special. We can be with all, but we have a few close ones. If we choose to be lonely, it would be with these people. Either them, or alone with ourselves. 

But many people misinterpret that. Thinking, assuming, we like to be alone, and lonely, all the time, forever. Nobody likes to be alone forever. No man is an island.

Lately, that feeling is becoming more immense. 

It bothers me when I am spending most of my time, feeling happy and smiling, with an iPhone. Okay...tengah menangis sambil menaip ni. Dahla lagu Ed Sheeran tengah berputar di playlist YouTube. Great. 

Why are you so far away? Why are we not together yet? 
Why can't you understand? Do you feel the same?
Why are you so cruel? You made me fall for you bit by bit - and yet again, previous episodes, previous history, are replaying -, but why are you not here, be responsible for what you have done? 

I know it's not your fault...
I know, I understand.
You don't have to answer all that. I don't need a word from you.
Just your presence. It will answer all. 

Why am I so weak?
God, I hate this weak-me.

I should be your backbone, aite?
I should be stronger.
Honest, I don't like dragging you along into this deep, dark hole.
You're a happiness, and should stay that way.  

But, then again,
whenever I wanna be stronger,
the thought of you weakens my heart.

I am not simply being poetic here.
Cannot be more truthful than I am now.

Why are you so far?

Dulula...aku selalu rasa nak tinggal sendiri.

But now, entering this phase, untuk hidup by myself is not as exciting as it used to be. Maybe it is not as comfortable, fulfilling, as living in the States. As living at Buffalo. 

Susah nak cari gym. Guna Google pun tak dapat results yang banyak. Hampir semua carian lead to Facebook links, and of course I cannot open Facebook using a PC because of the silly code generator. Of course I registered my US phone number and of course I cannot receive text to initiate code generator. Of course.

Of course aku selalu terperap dalam rumah, atau di makmal komputer UM. Kalau dah bosan sangat, window shopping di Aeon. Nak keluar kena pikir masak-masak, berbaloi tak aku keluar, minyak mahal. Parking pun tak semestinya ada. Belum masuk traffic jam lagi. Paling aku tak suka, udara ekzos di kawasan ni. Dan panasnya ya ampun. Tak suka peluh melekit. Aku tak selesa pulang ke negara sendiri. Tempat ini asing. 

Kata jelah aku ngada-ngada or whatever - Encik K suka kata camni, kan Encik K? Hehz. Aku boleh argue balik yang kau, kau dan kau tak pernah tinggal di satu tempat selama 3 tahun tak balik-balik. Dari English aku tersepit-sepit sampai cakap pun tersembur air liur, sampailah ke English aku getting better, dari tak tahu macam mana nak survive hidup di negara orang, sampailah aku hafal shortcuts di Buffalo. I very truly grew up there.

Dan aku belum lagi mencari guru untuk betulkan tajwid aku.
Hidup yang core ni pun masih belum stabil, tak sempat lagi nak invest waktu untuk hal-hal additional decorations.

I am too used to Buffalo. I wanna be back there. :'(
Give it sometime Far. 
You'll get superr busy that you'll surprise yourself when you re-read this post. 

Hey there Delilah,
What's it like in New York City,
I'm a thousand miles away
But, girl, tonight you look so pretty...
Yes you do

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