Friday, 23 January 2015


Aku ada mengenali seorang kenalan baru, pelajar dari Kanada, lewat cuti musim salju yang lalu. Perkara paling menarik tentang dia adalah apabila dia dalam tekanan yang tinggi - I guess - she would just sleep on it.

And so do I.

I am officially socially pressured. I am pressured of some things that I cannot type them here, out of respecting this public outlet. Things that I cannot open my mouth to talk about even to the closest of flesh to me, out of "wailul likulli humzatiln lumazah" (Woe to every scorner and mocker - al-Quran, The Traducer, 104:1). Although sometimes of course I'd do it, either out of no knowledge or with one, but for the most part, my consciousness still govern for this theme that I have pressure on. And I do to want to share this with him, because I think it is more acceptable since he's supposed to be the one I am sharing secrets with, but then I cannot just blurt out everything to him, not because I don't want him to see the evil/bad side of me - in fact, I do want him to discover, see, and experience it -, but because that will require me to get his attention, and that initial step will require me to initiate the conversation, which is highly not necessary now since we are nothing, soaring in a space of nothingness except for a cloudy certainty. The only hypothetical getaway is that he to ask me if there is something wrong - shouldn't he feels it because if a person cares about another, shouldn't the lover can feel the unease vibe coming from the partner? Or is it just me, who has this wild, utopian imagination of love and couple? Sometimes it is just a matter of an unattained question, to what point of this stage of relationship if neither of us can talk freely about our problems? No man was born free of trouble. Even the Companions would feel there is something wrong if Allah doesn't give any hardship in a day. I want to share with you my problems - not necessarily wanting you to provide and guide me with the solutions, but to just listen to me for awhile - and I want to listen to yours too. When I asked him when, and quite long a wait was his answer, I almost gave up. But considering he believes in me, I've kept it rolling. It's no longer a matter of affection and love, for these also come with loyalty and commitment. But "loyalty is stupid," said someone during INTEC times. Hmm, it was proven once in the past that loyalty is stupid, but I'm giving it a second chance. He deserves a chance too. So do I. God please don't forsaken me. If this is foolishness, please enlighten me.


I am socially troubled with the company from my own country, my own race. Perhaps the company of my own gender. I'm not sure myself. And this has no specificity towards my best buds, of the same age or older. Some are younger. The ones creating troubles are the ones who are not even close to me, be it tied by blood or emotional bond. And I am too nice to welcome those troubles. Jemputlah masuk.

I feel like shouting really really loud now.

Because the burden is burdensome, hence, I would just sleep on it. "Sleep".
Live the life blind to problems brought by others. Not my problems why should I bother. Do you even care with the ones I have in my hands? Why should I care about the people who doesn't even care about my being? I am not nice okay. Stop pressuring me to be nice, or to feign nice. I am not nice, you hear me there? You hear that beloved? I AM NOT.
If s/he doesn't want to welcome my helping hands, then that's it, I won't help. Why should I be dragged along into your own abyss when you yourself don't want me to hold your hand? 

I am tired and I wanna go home.
I am so done.

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