Friday, 4 July 2014

A Duckling from the Pith of an Abyss

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate,

When I was in high school, I can't remember exactly at what age I was, maybe 14, or 15...either one, it was the age where most of my peers were busy searching the attention of boys. And vice versa.

Of course, being among them and being a girl at that age, I was trapped. That was the pop-culture.

One of my escape routes was to think that there's no point of having such time-limited relationship. C'mon, your monkey love ain't gonna be forever. It's the reality. History has it that not many high school lovers safely entered marriage. It is a waste of time, and phone credit, and not to forget energy for emotions, to be engaged in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

Another one of my routes of thinking was that I am an ugly duckling. Nobody wants to look at me nor have the fantasy to be with me. Yeah, a pretty matured way of thinking, if you want to put it that way. So I pinned that believe strongly in my mind and heart, because I believed this ugly duckling need to focus on her goals to end high school with flying colors first, to enter a creme de la creme college, to grad with honors, to get the best-paying job, to have a nice, up-to-the-beat car, and to own the most peaceful-looking house (not renting). Then, she'll turn into the most beautiful swan anyone could've ever seen.

Blahh...I'll be the most mesmerizing swan! - Credit

But along the way walking to fulfill my fate, I somehow forgot that I'd such thinking embedded in me. Oh well...

Because I forgot who I aimed to be - the beautiful swan adored by many - I began to lower my guard. I'd fell into a deep hole in which I admit, I am still in progress climbing out from it. I hole dug by someone who not only refused to help me out of it, he even denied he was the one digging it. I hope he does bother to cover it up, for the hole is too deep an abyss, and whosoever trap in it, I believe, only a soul can be given as an exchange for the freedom of the victim's heart.

Okay okay, I'm trying to get over it. Gee. Anyways,

To love - one of the things that I've learned while climbing out of the hole - means to let go.
As I was watching the third episode of season one "Lie to Me", it came to me why God does what He does. He knows the future, what will happen to you, if you disobey Him. Like, when you want to perform adultry. The consequent is, needless to say, always bad. Either you end up behind bars, or I don't hang yourself because you're too stress, maybe you'll start taking drugs and you'll die because of overdose. In short, the aftermath is not pretty.

God knows when you have the desire to do it, and He knows, He is actually seeing you doing it. But He doesn't, in a normal situation, save that maybe you're rescued by someone else's prayers or whatnot, stop you like...literally stop you. He doesn't shout from above the Heavens "Hey you there! Stop it, otherwise you'll enter Hell!". Well, technically He does warn mankind via the Holy Qur'an. But that requires effort of opening the Book, reading it and searching for the most trusted translation to the Arabic scriptures for one to know that he is warned.

In that episode of "Lie to Me", Dr. Lightman's daughter, Emily, was caught in a party by the police. She previously called her dad to inform she was going to stay a night at her friend's to prepare for an exam. Dr.Lightman, being a professional lie detector he is, knew that his daughter was lying but he still gave her permission. After  the caught, Emily was punished to clean Dr.Lightman's store room. While carrying heavy stuff, Emily was helped by Gillian, Dr.Lightman's collegue. Gillian told her that Dr.Lightman already knew she was lying, but he still gave her permission for having the night at her friend's. Emily, being a 15-year-old, didn't understand her father's choice. Gillian gladly explained that if he didn't let her to pursue her wish, it won't be any sooner that she will distance herself from him. So, to put this scene into another perspective...

Allah deliberately gave humans free will. I mean, He did mention in the Qur'an that if He wants, He can make every human to obey Him, to perform His commands exactly as they are executed, but He didn't. He gave us the freedom to choose. Adam was the first human given the choice, the first human to feel how is it like to choose something, a feeling that we now call free will (thanks to Jeffrey Lang, author of "Losing My Religion: A Call for Help", indeed that is a good read).

He knows we will do wrong (notice that I didn't say He knew? Because God is not entitled to time), yet He still let us. Because He doesn't want His constant watch irritates us, among other reasons.

If your parents were to constantly nagging at you to do something perfectly, wouldn't you feel that you don't have the freedom to prove yourself? It is a suffocating feeling to have someone over your shoulder telling you to keep driving at 55 mph all the time till you reach your destination, when you know that sometimes your foot will jerk to 57 mph, or slow down to 48 mph. But that voice keep on saying, "Watch out, 55!". Without a doubt, you definitely will not driving with that person beside you again. That person has now been estranged. So does Allah, if He does the same.

Well, of course you have the thought that simply because Allah just want to give a severe punishment to those who cross His line. But why thinking that way, when you know that His Mercy is far beyond His Wrath? Didn't I start this post with His Loving names? Not to mention almost every surah in the Qur'an (except for at-Taubah) starts with bismillahi ar-Rahman ar-Rahim.

Food for thought. Thought for thy heart.

And f, this is for you. May you heal fast. You need to be a swan soon. (such a gorgeous pianist btw).


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