Saturday, 12 July 2014

An Obituary for Stupidity


Post kali ini adalah post terakhir berkenaan masalah pemulihan yang sedang aku lalui. Promise that to myself. 

I'm willing to let go now. Like, seriously. I have to hold to my previous words that I told him, that if not, life goes on. Then it should. 
So to let go, I did something rather childish, but it works. It has been working so far and alhamdulillah for the idea. 

Lovely words written on a white tombstone

Once he replied me with a poem. I loved that poem so much because I don't know, it just sounded out of sincerity of his heart. The words are so, so beautiful to me. He must have been writing and editing that for one whole week, if not for 10 minutes.

It was the last nicest thing.

In mid June, I decided I have to do something to let it go. Seriously something is haunting me, and I don't like it. So I print that out, bought a decent frame, put the poem into the frame, place it on the fireplace and ornate it with a single dried red rose. (No I didn't buy the flower, hell no)

It is meant as his "tombstone".

...and it works. So far alhamdulillah.

Yeah, yeah lame me. I think I have problem with letting people go. Because I make sure that people who enter my life, like really personally, are worth to be there. And always do I found myself greedy of that person's attention, though seldom I show it. By my definition, letting go here doesn't include death...I mean so far, my logic and rational thinking says that death is something unavoidable, so there shouldn't be an issue of keeping it, no issue of letting go at all. Why you want to be afraid nor sad about it, since you're returning back home, to the Arms of your Creator? Why must we be worried when there's death, since that person whom we care is in the care of the Most Merciful now? Okay that's how I see death, for now.

But if the person whom you care, love, if you will, is going away from you not because of death, but because of another person, that's something unacceptable. Or if the reason is just plain stupid like..."I'm not good for you". Blahhh.
If you know something wouldn't last, why bother starting it at the first place? Like, seriously people.

Hell yeah I'm angry. But it's an in-thing, I don't show and will not show it, that emotion, instead of pulling me down, will only turn me into another new person - a whole new character. A new person who will not remember that person anymore, in any way or circumstance. A person with A-amnesia.

I was expecting myself to be all aloof, saddened, for months, like in the movies. Or like, the semester after he left.
But hey, that will only make me the stupid one. And I'm above that. And I have a legit future. All too good that I was willing to let this person enters it for the sake of a better future. But the door has now closed. It was an ultimatum. The ultimate decision has been made and there is no turning back.

God, it feels so so good to let it go here. I have been writing another personal log in another medium but my ego just like the idea of pouring everything here. Normally when it is out here, it is no longer in me, my mind, my heart. So yes, I'm letting go.

Yes, it is a rushing decision, if you see it that way. I am rushing to cure myself because I need to guard my future. 23 is the age to know where you want to stand. No more playing around. It's time to think money, wealth, career, posh cars, expensive condo and what not. Yes, say that I am materialistic but you, I gave you the chance to change this but you declined. I'm blaming you alright.

Seeing this situation from another perspective, the nice babes will say that it is all fated, written in the Qadr. Yes I know. I realize that because I don't want to deny that I did pray. It is Allah's decree for this not to happen, but I am more fond to blame your stupidity. One of the reasons a Muslim's prayer is not granted is because He wants to protect that Muslim from a calamity. Guess what, I think you are a mistake, and will be the disaster in my future life. Thank God that you decided to withdraw from the play. But I still blame your stupidity.

Once I visited my friend at Colorado. It was a pretty personal journey, just to get out of the situation. I've always wanted to see the mountains there anyway. One great advice that he said to me was "A, do you want to be known as the A, who has done this and that, achieved this and that, or do you want to be known as A, this person's wife?"
I was silenced by that.
So true.

I don't regret this happen, for it is a learning process. I regret only 2 things along this episode of life: 1) his stupidity, and 2) the very last question I asked Wani, one of the people who I dragged into this. I wish I could take back the question before she answer it. But that'd be awkward. Let it be then, I don't bother the answer anymore.

I write this because the person exist, the story is true and the impact is huge.
But the memory is dead, the story ended and the scar will always bleed.

I still care though. But it was an ultimatum.

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