2014

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

A blend of extreme joy and extreme sadness - that year, 2014.

---

Semalam for the first time since the semester started, I watched a movie: "Haji Backpacker".


Interestingly, it's not all about the travel to go for hajj, like I assume the movie would supposedly be. Tapi tengok trailer pun dah dapat agak patutnya. But I was quite surprise cuz I thought Mada would be focusing on performing hajj...not (SPOILEERRRR ALERRRTT) visiting his father's grave.

Okay let's skip me telling the whole movie. Let's just go to what I wanna share. Tentang Mada, the main character, dan kehancusan hatinya. Kalau aku tak alami peristiwa awal 2014, aku takkan faham. OK, serious...pandai Abimana Aryasatya berlakon...

- jap...technically I am telling the whole movie here....LOL -


...part berharap tinggi dan hancur hati tu. Fuh. Nasib baik dapat kontrol emosi (makin keperempuanan pulak sekarang ni...hmm). Kalau aku boleh, aku pun nak gi travel (which I did but that was a short trip to one state only :( )...membawa hati yang lara. Tinggalkan semua, tinggalkan nak masuk senior year, tinggalkan scholarship...tinggalkan rumah sewa...tinggalkan semua. Tilam, bantal, portable heater, rak buku...semua. Depiction filem tu sangat betul...tentang orang-orang bodoh yang melalui fasa itu sebab diri sendiri yang initiate the situation memang most of the time will blame God and fate. Betul, itu salah. Kejam, tak bersyukur. Lemah iman. Futur. Sehebat mana melawan sekalipun, masih sangat susah nak terima. Sebab harapan dah sampai langit ketujuh, dah hampir masuk Sidratul montaha. Tiba-tiba ada bouncer kick that hope out...

Itu fasa pertama. Kalau lepas, alhamdulillah. Iman kuat. Menerima pukulan takdir dengan redha. Nafsul mutmainnah.

Kalau tak...make sure to hang out with the right crowd. Don't stay alone...

"Sesungguhnya syaitan itu adalah serigala kepada manusia, samalah seperti serigala kepada kambing, ia akan memakan kambing yang jauh terpencil daripada kumpulannya, maka berhati-hatilah kamu dan hendaklah kamu sentiasa bersama-sama dengan jemaah dan orang ramai."(Hadis riwayat Ahmad) 

 ...if your good friend doesn't help, go seek other companions. Sometimes it's good to know new people. Start afresh. It will take time...no pills can heal, no advice is good enough...no physician, no therapist. For an ego, there's no right remedy. There's only you and you alone. It all begins in you, whether you wanna heal and move on, or still cling with that anger. Speaking of which...

It's not shame...for most part of a rejection. Memanglah ada malu...der...tapi kecewa, tercalar, amarah, itu yang lebih kuat. Malu tu...itu sayur sampingan je. Takde pun boleh hidup sihat. Cuma kulit tak lawa je la. Huhu. Dan walau seluka mana pun hati...merajuk dengan Tuhan...tetap panjatkan doa. Solat walau kena heret, seret hati. Lepak lepak atas sejadah...ya know, take your time. You have all the rights over your own time. Baca dan tadabbur al-Quran. Tapi gist semua ni adalah bercakap dengan Tuhan...yela kira doala ni tapi...not the typical du'a. Like...cakapla cakappp...

"Ya Allah...aku merajuk dengan Kau huhu...sebab...oh well...Ya know..."

Luahkan. Allah tahu je kita tak puas hati dengan takdir. Hello Dia kan Maha Mengetahui. Aku tak rasa salah berbicara macam tu dengan Tuhan (aku cakap ni based on lectures I heard from Muslim speakers). Sebab kita pun akan buat macam tu dengan orang terhampir dengan kita kalau kita nak luahkan masalah kan? Ini, Tuhan, apatah lagi...lagila kena share share selalu. Tapi at the end of the sharing moment tu...jangan lupa istighfar. Hard to admit, but you were the one who put yourself in the situation you are in now, right?

Fasa kedua. Wah gaya macam lagu Six Degrees of Separation pulak - actually it is a theory made into a song - not quite related though but interesting huh? Fasa menyalahkan orang bengong tu. OK sorry can't help it. Hey I wanna keep my self-esteem high here okay. Of course I'm not the stupid one. <-- contoh. In denial lagi menyalahkan orang. Bukan orang spesifik je kena, orang-orang sekeliling semuaaa kena. Semua ada kontribusi. Aku sendiri hadapi hal ni dengan keeping myself quiet and staying far from human contact, especially people who initially involved in the case. Hermit moment ya know. Kalau ikutkan hati...fuhhhh...kalau mulut aku boleh keluarkan api...mata aku ada laser beam...memang sekeliling aku ni jadi macam Langkawi lepas kena sumpah 7 keturunan.

...and time will heal. I'm actually running out of ideas for compartmentalizing phases and degrees. I hate to bring this up again, really, but...ni lepas tengok Haji Backpacker la ni hmmmzzz...looking back...it's almost a year. I don't even remember the "historical date" anymore...but it was in spring so...roughly around this time? Entah...why should I care anymore? Tapi, subhanallah...tengok balik post-post lama tu...macam tak percaya, dah setahun. Dan dalam masa yang singkat tu...subhanallah, ada cerita baharu, di halaman, lembaran baru. No. Di buku yang baharu. In shaa allah. Cuma aku pohon dia tak bangkitkan dah. Spoil  betul hari tu tibbah tanya. Punyala otak aku blank...peristiwa pekebendanya that "happened last year"? Kacau je proses melupakansepenuhnya ceh. Pastu sensitip bila aku pulak yang bangkitkan hal lalu. Apakah. But thanks for asking :)

Anyways.

Kepada sesiapa yang baca ini post dan masih berhati suci (read: kalau ada seriously suka seseorang tapi masih pendamkan, dan ini hanya untuk perempuan), kekalkan pendam perasaan suka dalam hati sebab kalau luahkan kat orang tu pun...ada banyak negative possibilities: 1) Tepuk sebelah tangan, 2) Kapel - MEHHH, 3) Lelaki tu suka balik (boleh seronok sekejap), tapi tak bersedia...which will lead to no.2. Tapi kalau berani nak cuba...silakan. Tak, seriyes...ini bukan ayat perli.

Hm. Ini pengalaman peribadi. Kalau boleh aku nak beri amaran keras kat semua perempuan...supaya berhati-hati. Don't get hurt like I did. Not that I didn't get any warning...