Kuot: Gerak atas

"Aku move on"

Aku pandang sebelah kanan. Mamat ni boleh tahan otai. Ketuanan Melayu masih tak pudar. Dah empat tahun aku kenal, macam ni jugak tak berubah. Elok je dah bertunang. Satu pencapaian.


Aih bumi Colorado seringkali menjadi lubuk nasihat terbaik untuk aku. Kali pertama sampai sana, inche Spielberg in-the-making beri motivasi dan nasihat untuk bangkit semula setelah hati ditikam. Sedih tahu. Tapi sekarang happy dah. Apakah. Okay bukanlah happy, ... er... tak sedih? Jangan ingke, bak kata orang tua-tua. Kool, kool.

Kali kedua, lagi sekali tanah OneRepublic itu memberi nasihat. Kali ini topiknya tentang persahabatan. Soalan ditanya adalah "kau takde bespren ke?". Retorik. Mamat tu hipster Melayu sejati, masakan dia ada bespren. Well, definisi bespren di sini adalah kawan macam belangkas. Ke hulu hilir dengan orang ituuuu je. Dan ternyata lelaki ini takda. Generally speaking, none of the guys I've known have one. Unless...his manliness is somewhat questionable? Er.

Cuz guys move on. Like they can be friends with anyone. From one human to another, human hopping, as you will. Dan ternyata aku kagum dengan karakter yang Tuhan lahirkan dalam lelaki. Karakter take it easy. Yeah, once I questioned God why did I was born girl?

Anyhoo,


Lewat perjalanan ke Bloomington, merentasi pemandangan copy paste ladang jagung yang disaluti putih salju dengan suhu below zero Fahrenheit, aku berbincang dengan seorang teman dari Kanada mengenai the future. Larut perbualan berakhir kepada satu konklusi tentang perempuan and our social cycle post marriage. Our best friends will be the wives of our husband's best friends. 

So true setelah aku dan dia menganalisa kehidupan ibu masing-masing. Hm. Interesting. Jadi daripada konklusi itu aku ketemukan dua sub-conclusions:

1) Susah nak kekalkan persahabatan dengan rakan-rakan yang ada sekarang. Facebook is a living proof of how friendship is made to be destroyed. I mean, don't you feel that by having your friends there in your list making you actually farther away from him or her? You think they're there and your friendship is safe but because of that security it's actually deceiving you thus you just not contacting for real and just liking and liking for the sake to appear like you're involved with their lives and vice versa okay this is a very long sentence where is the period. there you are
Apsal aku rasa point aku takda kaitan dengan elaboration nih?

2) Pilih suami yang in your preferred social circle. Well marriage is not between one soul and another. You gonna get married with a whole package of new society. His family, his friends, his colleagues, his family friends, his friends of friends, he himself woah that's a handful there. I think it is well learned that if the society finds it incompatible for a couple to be together, chances are, divorce is just right around the corner. Imagine the pressure of your unblessed marriage from your mother-in-law, the shut out friendship from best buds...that social pressure. Gonna lead to something in that marriage aren't they. Plus you cannot fake yourself in your entire marriage years. Even if his social circle loves you but you don't, it's not going to make it through still.



So yeah. Kuot mamat zaman kesultanan Melaka ni agak awesome. Aku fokus kembali kepada jalan, roundabout di hadapan. Dia masuk topik lain pulak. Masih tak berubah, bising.

Nisaa

Okay, lapar.

Baru je lepas muatnaik gambar-gambar sewaktu percutian musim salju di Facebook. Hutang belum kira lagi. Adeh.

To-do list:

Kira hutang
Kira hutang
Cek emel
Fikir nak daftar kelas apa
Buat kalendar
Sambung senior thesis
Sambung tengok Gilmore Girls


Ah mestilah yang terakhir tu jadi perkara pertama yang aku buat. Cessss.

Melihat kembali aksi-aksi kami yang aku abadikan dengan Nikon D5100, buat aku tersenyum. Okay, gelak sikit sebenarnya. Road trip dengan perempuan....ahh, what do you expect? Mestilah akan ada drama whatsoever (oh well, aku pun perempuan duh). Sh*t happened. Dan melalui hal macam inilah, buat aku reevaluate, what is friendship.




Semenjak berakhirnya sekolah menengah, aku fikir, ke mana persahabatan aku dengan geng aku akan pergi. Sejauh mana ia akan bertahan. Aku sendiri bukan orang yang suka engage dengan long distance relationship, unless with family, cuz then you have a strong bond that ties you together. But friendship? On what basis should I be loyal to you, dear? Just because we're human? Well, me and Hyun Bin are human but he doesn't even bother to reply the birthday card I mailed to him somewhat nine years ago (disclaimer: I have officially off the hook of getting crazy over Korean entertainment after My Girl). Even Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah replied my Raya card (seriously trylah kirim kad raya kat Sultan Brunei, konfhem baginda sultan balas hehe).

Anyhow,

Setelah aku masuk satu kolej persediaan ni, aku masih seorang indie girl yang just mix with any crowd. Tried to fit in but often ended miserably so decided to just whatever and do my stuff my own. Wah loner giler. 

Lepas tu, flew to this one country.






Along that journey, I met this one girl. Odd. 
The first time ever I notice that I am loved and actually noticed by other people was when I had a fever. A horrible one. Like I wish I was dead kind of fever.

So there I was, lying on my bed in my room in Akasia. All I can do that time was sleep and cry silently under my blanket. Hoping the fever would go away. Parents were in a faraway land. The first time ever after a few months that I got fever and not even near my mom. And that was when she came, with chopped pears, still wet, still fresh, beautifully cut, organized on a plate, extended to me. 


None of my acquaintances even bothered I was sick. Well, partly because duh I'm in college, I should know how to take care of myself. Besides, it was just a fever. Nothing near a terminal illness. But a simple act from a friend made me feel alive. The fever was gone. All that I needed was attention from another being. And some medications of course. 


That girl was odd.


About a year after I got to this country, she contacted back. I never had any thought to contact her. Mostly because she was in this elite clique, and I was just an outcast. But shockingly she offered her hand for a friendship. And I gladly accepted it.

Alhamdulillah still contacting. Even after that horrible first argument during our first trip together, we managed to sit down and poured all our ill feelings on the table. She tolerated with my ego, which I cannot but to see this as a highly conduct. Such patience. Haha. Sorry dear, my apology for the tough moments you had with me. I'm a tough bull, pretty much explains why I'm here in UB I guess. LOL.  

In shaa allah gimme time. For time allows even the hardest rock to shatter to dusts. Gimme time to fix myself, slowly, for sincerity and patience are in one package, for time ties them together. 

That girl is amazing.


In her own ways. A kind of friend that I want to be with. The kind of friend that reminds me always of my Creator. The kind of friend who forced me to listen to Nouman Ali Khan and Yasir Qadhi's lectures during driving (yeah I actually prefer to listen to lectures but I'm too lazy to download. Hence, the best resort is iTunes). 


Thanks. Jazakillahu khairan katheera. May Allah bless. As selfish as this request sounds, I wish I can be yours forever.

"Ku tepiskan semua keraguan jiwa
Dan ku ganti dengan kepastian
Hatiku ini yang mulai mengerti
Dan berani tuk menyambut janji"

(Menyambut Janji - Letto)

 

On a side note,

Yeah betul kata dia. Aku tak nafikan perempuan suka pilih kawan. Pengalaman jadi perempuan untuk 23 tahun membolehkan aku endorse kata-katanya. Yang lelaki pula senang berkawan. Tibbah je dah boleh jadi buddy. 

Aku ada cuba selongkar ilmu komunikasi yang aku ada untuk justify my endorsement. Logik tak kalau aku kata perempuan memilih kawan, cepat menyampah dan sebagainya, sebab perempuan ada nature protective dan persaingan? Protective cuz well, your friends determine who you are (refer a hadith related to this). So ... nice girls befriends with nice girls too? Persaingan...haha. Sebab kalau dah jelas-jelas ada perempuan yang lagi high up, either one would resolve to "huish tak mampuler nak kawan dengan dia" atau hasad (nauzubillah). Entahlah, aku sendiri tak ada penjelasan yang pasti. Bagi aku, kalau sekepala, jalaaannnn. Kalau tak, don't force.  

 

 

Pemalas

Aku...dilahirkan pemalas.


Malas mals\akas;lkaqaskqwps

Define: Wallow

In the current modern culture where free mixing of men and women have led to cross-sex friendship, wallow is a part of it. A subculture. In fact, intermixing is rather a new, shocking human-to-human interaction, thank you to PSY 250 course at UB which made me to write a paper that explains the scientifically-proven logic that men and women cannot be mutual, platonic friends, never in the past, not even in the now, and will not be in the near infinite future.

Define wallow. An act to overcome the heartache after the heart was crushed by an idiot.

The freedom in determining to whom we can speak freely with today has led to unnecessary communication which may be processed by the opposite-gender conversation partner as a flirtation act towards matrimony. Well, in most cases the female would think like that being that they are created to have such a soft heart and a tendency to submit to males due to their several attributes which are taken as an advantage by this homosapien sub-species over their counter sub-group.

This freedom has made many hearts to grow with hopes. But then found wounded in the center of a dark alley with all other trashes, visible to you from afar is a crowd of maggots, eating away that piece of junk, used to be shone so proudly with cheap words (or actions) from a walking corpse termed "lover".

Welp, be careful dear.
Wallow is a part of this novel culture. If you haven't gotten there, just be prepared. Alas, stay away.


Check this out: http://bleske-rechek.com/April%20Website%20Files/Bleske-Rechek%20et%20al.%202012%20Benefit%20or%20Burden.pdf

Thanks to the researchers. You've done justice to balance between scientific logic and human congenital intuition that many seems to have been denying of having one.


Anyways, wallow. Yes.

If I may recall my first time ever wallowing, it was due to a tragic event of a desired being dumped like it was the printer cover paper that you usually don't use unless it is for note-taking or to write your formula and whatnot before an open-book test.



The first time. was a denial. didn't cry. wanted to. but can't.



On top of that major emotional event which was somewhat burdensome,
I had other technical aspects of life going on - volunteer work, exams, planning for the summer session, internship application, missing my mom.



I turned on my laptop (deceased) that morning, clicked on Excel, resumed my work on arranging rooms and namelist for an upcoming event at the embassy.

I placed the laptop on my bed. I was in my best, most comfortable weekend-morning uniform, I was a satiate champ thanks to a great breakfast. The day was splendid, the sun was like a king that morning, its army of light illuminated the whole world of my backyard and my room.

I started checking the namelist, scrolling with my cursor. Typing things but my mind was not focusing. As if my fingers had their own brain.

That was when it came out.
Slow.
On my cheeks.

God that hurt.






---


So the take-home message is, don't deny. Just let whatever hurt you, to do its job. Afterall, pain demands to be felt (The Fault in Our Stars). The more denial comes in, the deeper you're going to drown in your misery. Just let the tears out, don't hold back.

Of course, I wish,
I can turn back time.
Undid what I've done.
If I can meet up with that 2011 me, I would warn her, no, don't go, don't start, don't even open the door.
But what can I do? The Narrator always plans the best now aren't you now here with me?

It's a part of being human, and are we not the consequence of one another?



---



Sigh.
Sometimes I am ashamed of myself, what kind of Muslim am I?
But come again, think.
I'm still a human though. But to embrace Islam doesn't mean I am an angel. It just means I am choosing a better way of handling my humanly corruptions. That I accept my errs are infinite, but it doesn't mean I can't change and be closer to being a saint.



---

Sorry that I mentioned about him many times. I just want you to understand.
Sorry for making you confused, because well, all females are confusing. We always think you men are illogical. Our logic is the logic.
Sorry for not knowing you were there.
Sorry for

Just sorry.




*am throwing away everything that can remind me of     , one last piece is still in Malaysia. Please forgive me. Wasn't fair for the injured to create another injury.

she went crazy.

So there's this girl who has this multipolar personality that she doesn't know what she wants. She's so confusing, not only to anyone who knows her by name, but also to herself.

She wants that but she's too shy.
Since when she becomes a shy person only God knows that when and why (rolling eyes).

She had a strong fort
Now crumble bit by bit.
She tried to fix it
But no brick could fit.

After one hollow event
She tried to laugh and smile
She watched Netflix for awhile
Though nothing seems to change
She keeps on sighing and spinning
Her head won't stop cracking.

That girl wants what every girl wants
A house of dolls, pink and peachy
All groom to well
Like a heaven on earth

It may seem she's all lady-like and Victorian
But maybe she's not revealing
That she's a feminist too
All too proud for a touch of a man
Nothing can stop her,
Not giving anything any chance

Be it a lion
A storm
or that dragon from Shrek

She's all she is
A strong heart of steel.

But hush
Don't tell anyone
That her weak spot is one
And you know.
I know you know.
Because maybe it's you,
the missing piece of brick.

Kuot: Sollah

"You want to pray?"

Aku memandang mak cik berkulit gelap, berhoodie kelabu itu. Rasanya adalah dalam 34 milisaat aku pandang matanya tanpa sebarang pergerakan, walaupun pernafasan. Tibbah muncul dari sebalik rak buku tingkat 1M Heath Sciences Library, UB South Campus, mahu aku tak terkejot.

---


"Okay, by 2 o'clock I gotta go," aku kata kat diri sendiri. Aku tumpukan semula perhatian aku ke kertas soalan exang terakhir Biomolecular Techniques & Diagnostics, dang. Subjek yang paling aku serami in my entirety of being. Ok bukan nak sound berlagak tapi...why peeps keep sayin' orgo is hard? They haven't gotten to this part of life just yet. Stop complaining and wait till you get here. For me, this is one of the most difficult parts, for others...might not. Aku ranting melalut. Kembali kepada cerita pokok.

Jam digital di skrin dah 1:59. Aku harus, wajib keluar awal, sebelum exang tamat jam 2:45. Sebab? Asar masuk jam ~2:20, aku belum Zohor sebab exang started before Zohor. Jamak? I opted not to.

2:00

Far, you're hopeless.

Aku masih di section MCQ, filling in the MCQ sheet cuz earlier I marked on the test paper instead. Another way of me double checking my answers. 

2:09

 Shoot. Okay it's time. Tawakkal jela. Bukan tak habis jawab, tapi aku lagi suka kalau aku dapat stay dalam dewan exang tu sampai habis waktu, making sure that I've done what I supposed to do. Making sure things perfect, that if there's any fault, the blame will be solely on me. No one but me.

Tapi solat tetap solat boi. Rasa tak sedap hati makin makan. Aku terus hantar kertas exang, berlari keluar dewan. Dapat rasakan semua orang dalam dewan tu tengok aku lari, sebab aku buka pintu punyala bergema. Huhu.

Aku pun lari punya lari ke perpustakaan, kat situ dah jadi salah spot aku, level 2M. Dalam pada aku lari-lari gaya cam tak cukup tanah, boleh pulak kaki kanan aku tergeliat. Adeh. Facepalm. Untuk menjatuhkan saat macho aku cover tergelecek aku tu, leh pulak ada mamat omputeh gaya cam encem dalam satu kereta ni tengok aksi aku, dan pastilah aku terpandang dia eye-to-eye. Adoiii.

OK takpe kita tinggalkan saat memalukan itu dan fokus kepada hajat nan satu: solat.


-We skip this part of the story time line (me performing wudu')-


Usai semua pre-salah prep - macam tak caya aku dapat selesaikan semua in less than 10 minutes -, aku pun terus naik tangga ke tingkat 1M. Rasanya nak ke pot aku tu macam tak sesuai, iyelah, minggu final, mesti semua cubicle penuh.


Aku pun jalan macam ribut, from one aisle to another, looking for a secluded spot. Aisle 1, nope, 2, nope, 3...er...okay...4? Nope. Okay 3. Saat aku kibas-kibas kain batik untuk dibuat sejadah, tibbah sangat ada this really sporty-looking woman, yang aku tak expect langsung dia ni Muslim (sebab tudung-less), approached me and asked if I want to pray. She offered me her prayer mat (of course I refused out of being courteous, because I already had mine out), and showed me the qiblah (needless to say I doubted the qiblah she pointed for me at first, but out of me losing my own sense of direction at a new place where I'm not sure where I was located, I trusted her. And Allah knows best, in shaa allah khair). Usai solatul Zohor, aku tunggu Asar. Solat Asar, dan from the corner of my eye, I noticed her greenish turquoise prayer mat, and heard her reciting slowly, the recitation for salah.

Wallahi rasa sangat terharu saat itu. Macam mana, out of nowhere, tibbah ada orang Muslim, who pointed for me the qiblah and offered me a prayer mat? Wth. Alhamdulillah.

Selesai study sikit untuk exang seterusnya, aku melangkah ke rak buku belakang aku, perempuan itu sedang duduk dengan laptop dan buku dan kertas. Study jugak barangkali. I said my thanks, and hope she got it good in whatever she was doing. Before I walked away, she said salam. Lagi sekali aku terkesan. Aku yang pakai tudung ni tak beri dia salam pun, dengan anggapan yang mak cik ni jenis mak cik Hard Rock Cafe, jenis Muslim yang biasa-biasa je janji solat. Ha inilah manusia. Inilah aku. Perasan baik.

Jadi aku jawab salamnya dengan senyuman paling bling-bling. Berlalu pergi melangkah ke exang makmal Biomolecular jam 3:30 petang itu.

Hmm. Banyak yang perlu diubah, perlu belajar semula, perlu dipelajari.





 

I need ... More acetaminophen.

So I've found these to be very punny (funny)

I held that piece for quite a time and the popcorn bag still wouldn't open itself.hahhaa.

And uh this this...

Cis factor

...it means a DNA sequence that marks places on DNA involved in the initiation and control of RNA synthesis. 

Hahahah cis kau cissss.

yeah I'm losing it. Lame Far, lame. But still hahahha.